I feel like you're in a tighter spot than you think you are, Smith. ' Rademaker was perched on one of the exercise bars at the edge of the obstacle training field, his Gear in a neat stack beneath him. Another set of Gear was piled next to it. Erwin looked up at him with a weary squint. He'd begun to feel the effects of his lack of sleep not long after they'd arrived. 'Embry's on fire, you know. '

'I thought he might be, ' Erwin said, though in truth he hadn't even thought that far. It had been more than a little dismaying to arrive at the barracks with Levi in tow to find most of his fellow soldiers staring openly at them. Especially after the morning he'd had.

He'd spent the walk pushing all thoughts of their encounter on the table '

and what a delicate word for it that is, Erwin Smith,

he thought ' from his mind, trying to remind himself of what was at stake. He hadn't been operating under some forceful drive of sexual urgency then, he was fairly certain. In fact he'd felt a strange nothingness about the kiss, both during and after, like someone had come along and laid muffling gauze over the rest of the world.

It hadn't been a sudden narrowing of focus onto Levi, either; the boy had become a kind of background noise for a while, Erwin aware of his presence as he ate and dressed himself and washed his face in the kitchen basin, but strangely uninterested in the details of him at that time. Levi for his part had done nothing to try to wrench Erwin's attention back to him again. He'd accompanied Erwin readily enough, without any kind of public scene, though Erwin understood by now that loud outbursts weren't really within Levi's patterns of behavior. He'd walked calmly at Erwin's side, keeping up with him perfectly easily, his head held high and alert.

It gave the entire affair a kind of dream-like quality. Coupled with the alarming little mystery of the broken cuffs, it would have been easy, Erwin thought, to pretend he'd dreamed the entire thing. Certainly the kissing of men was outlandish enough to qualify for dreaming behavior. Erwin knew, of course, that people of such inclinations existed, and he wished them no harm, but it was quite a different thing to find himself straddling the line between categories as well. There was a magnetic something about Levi, that much was fact, but what precisely it was was much less certain. Erwin had heard many a tale and song about love and romance, and none of those came anywhere close to describing how he was feeling now.

Frustrated

was closer.

Controlled

was closer.

Uncertain. Uncomfortable. Angry,

even, this over the impression Erwin had that despite his continued passiveness, Levi was doing something to him. Something single-minded and deliberate. Playing nice and reasonable with Levi had only made the feeling worse. Losing his temper seemed to have better results, but only towards Levi behavior. Levi's control, over himself and seemingly over Erwin, seemed an advanced and unbreakable thing, made all the more frustrating by the fact that Erwin could point to no particular behavior to evidence it.

When they'd reached the barracks Rademaker had caught up with him first, and let him know quietly but with friendly concern that Marshal Embry had been loudly telling the story of Erwin's proposal to anyone who would listen, with a heavy side of angry pessimism. 'He's telling everyone that Egon's kid has gone off the rails, ' he said now, grinning slightly down at Erwin. 'Your father's going to have kittens, I'll bet. If he isn't already. '

Jonas Rademaker had entered the service in the same trainee group as Erwin, though he was a year or so younger, and they'd kept up a friendly camaraderie since, though Rademaker seemed to understand intrinsically that Erwin was by his nature a rather solitary creature, and as such made no extreme overtures of friendship. After graduation he'd moved on to trainee intake, which seemed to mean spending the requisite handful of hours shouting newcomers around the obstacle courses, and then retiring to a shared office for the rest of the afternoon for a nap or a game of cards or similar. Erwin didn't begrudge him his lax scheduling; there was so little call for MP members to actually use their Gear that no one really seemed to care whether or not any of them could fly properly or not.

'I'm sure I'll be receiving a courier about it any moment now, ' Erwin said, sighing. 'Even the Captain seems to think I've gone mad. '

'Haven't you? ' Rademaker said, raising his eyebrows. 'I know you've always been a little... ambitious, but I always thought you'd just, you know. ' He shrugged. 'Make use of all your charm, and whatnot. Work your way up. Not press-gang some street trash into service so you can prove a point. '

Erwin didn't reply for a moment. He looked out across the course, at the small figure standing under the large, straw mock-Titan set up in the center. The trainee uniform Captain Hamlin had dug up for him had fit him well enough, and he could have passed for any ordinary young soldier on first glance. When they'd reached the training ground, he'd left Erwin's side without a word, and had begun to walk from place to place on the ground, tower to tower, bar to bar, staring up at it all solemnly.

'What's he doing? ' Rademaker said, twisting his hands around the bar he was sitting on. 'You can't see all the handholds from the bottom. You have to be up top. '

'Walking the course, I think. ' Erwin glanced at him. 'Like you do in a jumping competition, you know. You lead the horse around and the two of you have a look at everything on the ground. '

Rademaker chuckled. 'I suppose he'd be taller if he tried to do it on horseback, ' he said. 'Though I doubt he'd get very far. Really, Smith ' what is this about? Embry didn't even seem to know what you wanted. '

'Something needs to change, ' Erwin said, slowly. 'Why did two trained officers fall off that Wall, when someone who's never even touched a Gear set didn't have any trouble with it? What does he do that's different? He said to me that our soldiers don't train properly, and in all honestly, I've felt similarly for a long time. All of this-- ' he swept a hand across the field, '--is to teach us how to defend ourselves against them. But most of us have never even seen them, and of course-- '

'--On paper and in the field are two different things, ' Rademaker finished for him, shaking his head. 'Sure, of course. But what do you expect? There's hardly any point in Military Police training to fight Titans, Smith. We're never going to see one. The walls are impenetrable. They can't even be climbed. I mean, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea for us to be better prepared just in case, but how would we get around to doing that? You think they should start sending Survey Corp out beyond the Wall to wrangle some smaller Titans for the likes of us to practice on? Those guys can barely keep a Commander alive, much less enough personnel to do something like that. '

'I've heard there's someone at Grace University who has some ideas about Titan experiments. ' Erwin kept his face studiously straight as Rademaker's mouth gaped open. 'There was some to-do about her proposal a few months ago, I think. '

'Because she was

crazy

, ' Rademaker exclaimed. 'Some middle-tier orphan girl here on scholarship who thinks that the Military Police should be positioned on every wall, and equipped with, what was it, heavy duty nets? Spear guns with ropes attached? And something about Titan pheromones? I heard the University council wanted her tried as a heretic! '

Erwin shrugged. 'I only said I'd heard about it, ' he said, non-committal. 'In any case, it's only a side-thought. All I meant was if there's a better way to do what we're already doing, I think that I can find it. And I think that Levi is an excellent candidate for a new way of fighting. I intend to instruct him, yes, but I think his input will be just as valuable as mine. ' He did feel that, he found, despite the tense, tightly-wound sensation in the pit of his stomach that seemed to have taken up a permanent lodging there. Whatever else, he did believe that Levi was capable.

'That's a lot of faith in one person. ' Rademaker looked out at the field again. Levi was coming towards them again, taking his time with the long walk. 'Especially someone like him. '

'He has a great deal more to lose than I do, ' Erwin said, 'By trusting me. ' This, too, was true, much as he hated to admit it even to himself. 'I would like to give him a chance. '

'It's your neck on the line, ' Rademaker muttered, and leapt down from the bar easily. 'Levi, ' he called. 'What do you think? '

Levi glanced at him as he approached, dusting his hands together lightly. 'It's pretty small, ' he said. 'The course. Shouldn't it be taller? '

'Probably, ' Rademaker agreed cheerily. 'Though it's about as high up as any of us will ever get, save for ceremonial Wall walking during parades and inspections and so on. You want to try this Gear on, practice balancing the harness a little? '

'Not yet. ' Levi looked at Erwin. 'I'm going to see how far I can get. '

'How far you can get-? ' Rademaker said, but Erwin already had an idea of what he meant.

Levi didn't wait for further word from either of them. He centered himself under the bar Rademaker had been balanced on, leapt up, caught it, and pulled himself up into a crouch with no apparent effort. He rose up and quick walked, one foot after the other, the length of the bar, and when he reached the end he jumped. He caught the edge of the high stone wall positioned next to the bars and pulled himself up with both hands, his feet kicking off the wall, and then he was perched on the wall's top edge, racing down it for the next obstacle. He cleared the top of a makeshift battlement wall in a single leap and landed catlike on the other side, only pausing a moment for balance before he was off and running again.

'Good Lord, ' Rademaker muttered, watching with a faintly admiring grin on his face. 'Where do you suppose he learned how to do that? '

Erwin didn't answer. He was watching Levi. Every glimpse of the boy's face that he had revealed nothing, only that now familiar expression of distanced intensity, as though his mind was far away from what his body was doing. The acrobatic ability he'd only had hints of before was in full display now, as Levi ran and jumped and rolled over obstacles designed for fully trained soldiers in properly balanced Gear. He skittered a few times, and nearly fell a few more, but always he righted himself and kept on, doggedly moving forward in an increasingly smaller spiral.

'He's going for the Titan, ' Rademaker said, clearly also unable to tear his eyes away. Erwin felt another little twist of anxiety ' the jump from platform to the mock-Titan was much longer than any of the others, meant to give the trainee room to swing around if needed.

Levi didn't slow. He reached the edge of the platform, jumped, and missed his grip on the Titan's arm.

'Shit, ' Erwin hissed, under his breath, as Levi dropped some twenty five feet to the sand. He landed, half on his buttocks and half on his back, and rolled as he did so, coming up in an unsteady crouch at the mock-Titan's feet. He looked up at them after a moment.

'Let's try the Gear this time, ' he called.

He was less successful in the Gear, as it turned out, but this didn't seem to bother him very much. Instead he seemed to regard it as more of a burden than a help. 'Feels restrictive, ' he complained, perched on top of one of the walls again with the Gear's straps digging into his legs. 'Do you people really not learn how to do anything without a safety net? '

'I guess not, ' Erwin said, from below. Levi was taking the course at a slower pace this time; he'd insisted he didn't need time to get used to the harness balance, and that seemed to be more or less true. Erwin was walking it with him, trying not to remember his earlier observations about walking horse-jumping courses with the horse. 'There doesn't seem to be much need for them, most of the time. '

'I bet Survey Corp disagrees with you, ' Levi said, adjusting his trousers with a frown. He stretched one leg up and out, and then the other. 'I don't really know how to make the Titan jump. '

'You have to trust the Gear, ' Erwin said. 'And accept that you're not going to fall. '

'I still might. '

'No, the Gear will definitely catch you if you've fired it right. '

Levi snorted. 'And Gear's always reliable, right? Doesn't it break sometimes? Or misfire? Or run out of gas? Nothing's reliable every time. '

'The Walls, at least. ' Erwin smiled a little. 'Can't we believe in that? '

'No, ' Levi said, 'And I'll tell you why. ' He jumped down in front of Erwin and straightened up, slapping the slide of the wall he'd been standing on. 'You think I climbed Sina by some combination of skill and miracle, right? ' His expression said fairly clearly what he thought of miraculousness being applied to any part of him.

'Yes? ' Erwin said, a little more stiffly than he meant to, certain that his embarrassment was red and visible across his face. 'I suppose I do. '

Levi slapped the wall again. 'You trust Sina to be perfect. It isn't. Look. ' He pointed. There was a slight groove in the rock face, smudged white with the passage of many boots. 'And here. ' A slight crack in the stone, wide enough, maybe, for a single finger to fit through. He looked up at Erwin. 'That's what Sina looks like up close. '

Erwin frowned. 'I assume it's been weathered some, surely, but... '

'More than some. You lazy fuckers barely even glance at it from anything but a distance. Up close, it's full of grooves and holes and cracks. Yeah, I had a running start off a rooftop to get there, but I climbed Sina because I know how to climb and I'm not afraid to fall, not because I know some special trick to it. Anyone could do it, if they had the balls. '

Erwin felt chilled, suddenly. 'Anyone? '

Levi shrugged. 'Anyone with decent balance. '

The truth of what he was saying began to filter in. Of course, there were soldiers who patrolled Wall Sina, but they were as laid back as the rest of the Garrison behind it, fully assured that no Titan would ever make it so far into human cities. Erwin doubted that they even glanced at the Wall's surface for more than a moment or two as they ascended and descended. Trainees in the force spent more time on the Walls for practice, but nearly all new initiates did their training out on Rose and Maria. Erwin wondered if they, too, were showing such obvious signs of weathering.

'Someone should know, ' he murmured.

'I really doubt they give a shit, ' Levi said.

'They should, ' Erwin said, a little angrily, and to his surprise Levi nodded in brief agreement.

'Yeah, ' he said, 'But they won't. And that's why I don't trust their shit, or their Gear. You can't just put something in place to protect you and then assume it's going to work forever. Shit happens. Things fail. Things break. Nothing is safe. Nowhere is safe. There is no safety net. '

Erwin looked away. Rademaker had received some kind of summons a while earlier and had disappeared inside the barracks, leaving the two of them alone.

'Trust in yourself, then, ' he said, finally. 'Trust that even if you miss, and fall, you'll be able to get back up. That even if you don't make it the first time, you'll have a chance at a second. I suppose that's what I would do. '

'You suppose? ' Levi repeated, tipping his head a little. 'Is that why you're like this, then? '

Erwin looked at him sharply. 'Like what? '

'A meek little suck up who thinks he can play it safe by never committing to anything? ' There was a barb in the words, sure enough, and Levi's pale eyes were more narrow than usual, that hunting look returned to them. Erwin struggled for a moment with his indignation, and nearly lost before he mastered it.

'I have committed to you, at the very least, ' he said stiffly. 'Or do you disagree? '

Levi snorted. 'I do, ' he said.

'Then what exactly is your idea of commitment, 'lie? ' Erwin retorted, purposely putting a heavier emphasis on the name than he might have. Levi stiffened immediately, something approaching real hatred in his eyes.

'You're pathetic, asshole, ' he said, calm voice not at all matching the look on his face. 'You get one little bit of leverage and you never reach any higher. ' He spread his hands, the Gear on his hips clanking. 'Congratulations. You've got my life in your hands and you get to call me by a name I hate whenever the fuck you want. Good for you. You're on the same level as all those other fuckers you seem to hate so much. The only difference between you and that Embry asshole is that at least he's pissed off that some people died because of me. '

Erwin opened his mouth to reply, but there were no words forthcoming. He felt the uncomfortable internal chill that usually preempted nausea.

'Levi, ' he said, a little hoarse. 'I'm sorry. '

Levi drew back with visible shock, the tense lines around his mouth and eyes disappearing. Erwin felt the urge to reach out to him, to touch the shaggy black hair in reassurance, but the tension in the boy's shoulders was as visible as the bared teeth of a cornered dog. 'I mean it, ' he said. 'I'm sorry. I don't want to be cruel to you. '

'I don't care if you're cruel, ' Levi muttered, looking away. 'That isn't ' the point. '

'And you don't know what the point is, ' Erwin said gently. Levi shook his head, his gaze still averted. 'All right. That's fine. I suppose I'll need to do some thinking of my own. '

'Don't suppose, ' Levi said, glancing at him briefly. 'Just

do

it. '

Erwin half-smiled, but caught movement out of the corner of his eye before he could say more. Rademaker was gesturing to him frantically from the edge of the course. 'Hold on, ' he said to Levi. 'I'll be right back. '

'You need to either get out of here quick, or get ready for some pain, ' Rademaker said when Erwin reached him. He had a faintly wild look in his eyes. 'Your father's here, and he wants to see you. '