'What 's wrong with this one? ' Chuuya groans, 'He 's only 5 '9, that isn 't too tall. '

Dazai grumbles, leaning in to look at Chuuya 's phone screen, one arm lazily thrown over the back of the booth. 'He looks kind of like a delinquent. '

'Yeah, so do you, ' Chuuya sniffs. 'And you 're not

that

bad. '

'Why don 't you just ask Dazai out, then? ' Yuan yawns, slurping her tea as she leans back against her current partner, a lanky sophomore named Gin 'who honestly seems to have a pretty decent calming effect on her temper.

'Yeah, ' Chuuya snorts, rolling his eyes, '

Right

. '

Gin gives their girlfriend a

look

, because with the two leaning against each other in a restaurant booth, Dazai bent over to look at Chuuya 's phone 'they kind of look like a couple already.

'I 'm gonna swipe right on this one. '

'No way '"

'Why not? '

'You 're both redheads, that would just be a weird match up! '

"Oh," Chuuya snorts sarcastically, "is a boyfriend an aesthetic choice these days?"

"Isn't

everything

an aesthetic choice today, in this world of instagram filters and facetune '"

"I'm swiping right."

"Wait!"

Ding!

"Oh, we're already matched," Chuuya's eyes widen slightly, "wow, that's fast '" he starts typing, and Yuan can see the way Dazai leans away slightly, his eyes darkening.

"...So," she starts, looking to break up the mood, "you feeling ready for finals?"

Dazai shrugs, tired at the thought. "As I'll ever be," he yawns, "if I'm lucky I'll fail out."

Chuuya snorts, bumping him with his shoulder, "You're such a weirdo."

"What? It's easier than dropping out 'then my parents could potentially make me come

back '"

"I'm pretty sure you couldn't fail out if you

tried

. '

Dazai pouts at the assertion, grateful for the excuse to openly sulk, "I totally could! I'd just pretend I was

you

'"

Chuuya actually manages to

not

get pissed off over that, possibly because he's

already

getting flirtatious messages on the dating app. "You have this compulsive need to tell someone when they 're being stupid, so no, I don 't think you could fail a test on purpose. '

'Do not! '

'Why did you give the flat earther guy handing out pamphlets on campus a mental break down then? '

'I was

bored? '

'Right. ' Chuuya replies dryly, obviously disbelieving as he hits send on another message. "You're not gonna fail out. You're a bio major, c'mon. '

"Biology is hard '"

"And you know your anatomy."

Yuan's eyes flicker back and forth between them, because...

This is

obviously

flirting, right?

Neither of

them

seem to notice. "I'll go get the bill," Dazai mutters, standing up and slipping out of the booth, which Chuuya seems to notice when his arm is no longer around his shoulders.

"Are you sure? I can get mine '"

Dazai rolls his eyes, "I just don't want to deal with splitting the check four ways."

It's a reasonable enough explanation, one that lets him make his way away from their booth, towards the counter, telling himself that this is

fine

.

Because what, does he want Chuuya to be

alone

?

No.

But is he ready to deal with the consequences of admitting that he doesn't want Chuuya dating anyone other than

him?

No.

He's said it before, he's said it a million times 'he has

no idea

how to be in a meaningful relationship 'romantic or otherwise.

So...it's for the best that it's working out like

this

.

He helped Chuuya get over his shitty ex-boyfriend, effectively making up for being such an

ass

before 'they have what seems to be the first

genuine

friendship Dazai has ever had...

And sure, it's a weird time to have his first 'crush,' but '

It'll

pass

.

"Your total, sir?" Dazai's eyes flicker down to his receipt and he nods, fumbling in his wallet to pull out his credit card. The hostess smiles at him, just a little shy as she takes the card to swipe it through the register. "Do you and your friends, um 'want some fortune cookies?"

"..." Dazai blinks, looking down at the little plastic bowl sitting next to the register. It's a gimmick--one he thought Chinese restaurants only did in the United States, but...

He is

happy

to have a stupid gimmick right now.

"Sure," he grumbles, reaching into the bowl, "why not?" He rips open the plastic while the register processes his card, cracking the cookie in half.

"You go to Todai?" She asks a little nervously, "I'm supposed to start there next semester '"

"That's nice," Dazai smiles absentmindedly, not really looking at her as he pulls out the tiny slip of paper inside, expecting some stupid little line about hard work, financial gain, or that this is the year he's 'finally going to travel!', but '

The love of your life is right in front of your eyes.

What the ever loving

fuck '?

"Oi! Dazai '" he whips his head around to see Chuuya standing behind him, gesturing towards the door, where Gin and Yuan are already waiting. "You ready to go?"

"..." Dazai shakes his head quickly, tossing his fortune into his pocket before nodding, grabbing his card off the counter. "Yeah--" he scribbles a tip down for the hostess, who watches somewhat dejectedly as he strides off towards the door.

It's

nothing

.

Weird coincidences.

They'll

pass

.

For Chuuya things...are going

really

well. His project grades are starting to roll back in, and he received high marks on all of them.

And, the guy from Tinder 'Tachihara 'he's...actually

really

nice.

A little awkward, but open, confident, and

funny

. At first, Chuuya didn't really

trust it,

but Yuan volunteered to stalk him a little and was able to confirm that he was, in fact, a dork.

The only person who

wasn't

confused about Dazai's animosity was

Yuan

.

"You know," she hums, swinging her feet from her stool as she watches Dazai scowl at the couple from the other side of the student commons, "You

could

have asked him out first. He would have said yes."

Dazai gives her a

look

, and he sighs. "First of all, I didn't want to ask him out," he sounds so

confident

about that, it's almost convincing. "Second of all 'I don't want to ask

anyone out

," he turns out her with a charming smile, "And

third

of all, are you busy on Friday?"

Yuan snorts, pushing him away with a finger between his forehead. "I'm still with Gin."

"Ah," Dazai sighs with a groan, leaning back in his chair, "you know, I don't get what it is with people our age thinking they need

relationships

as soon as they get to university. What about 'exploration' and 'self-discovery' or whatever?"

Because if people were a little

less

obsessed with that, maybe Chuuya wouldn't have hopped onto

dating apps

before Dazai was able to offer any more...educational assistance.

"Look," Yuan snorts, "I like Gin a

lot

, but dating them hasn't

tied me down

or stopped me from

discovering myself.

" She looks Dazai up and down, "And I've never heard someone be so

bitter

about relationships unless they secretly wanted to

be in one. '

Well

shit

.

Dazai looks away.

She's got him

pegged

there and he does not know how to

feel about that

.

"Well," he stands up, stretching his arms over his head, "talking to you is as

delightful

as ever, but I've got places to be, things to do, girls to meet."

Yuan snorts, waving as he walks off, "Tell 'the girls' I said hello."

And he

does

. Well, more accurately speaking, he spends that weekend with

three different girls

(two of them at the same time) and while none of them gave him

exactly

what he wanted, it

was

somewhat satisfying.

Chuuya, on the other hand, feels like he has everything he

wanted

when he left home a few months ago.

He's more independent than he's ever been, he's doing

well

in school, he hasn't had an episode since he got here, and he has a boyfriend that's actually

nice

.

"I'll call you after work tomorrow, okay?" Michizou hugs an arm around his waist, kissing the side of his head, and Chuuya smiles, leaning into it.

"Yeah, sounds good '" He turns his head, catching the sophomore in a quick kiss, "I'll try to finish my piece for Monday, then I'm

all yours

for the rest of the night, okay?"

Tachihara snorts softly, squeezing him one more time before letting him go, "Sounds like a plan."

He leaves Chuuya in front of his dorm room before heading off to catch the train to his own place off campus, and the redhead lets out a slow breath before letting himself in.

Dazai isn't home yet.

Actually, he's been out all weekend 'and Chuuya hasn't really minded. It's been a good excuse for him to get ahead on his schoolwork, and he's spent the rest of his time hanging out with Tachihara '

It's just

weird

, that he isn't back yet.

He pulls out his phone, shooting off a text to make sure that he's okay, because really, with the way Dazai sleeps around, Chuuya always gets this paranoid anxious driven concern that one of the girls is going to turn out to be some

creepy stalker

, but '

(Okay, his Dad rubs off a

little

.)

And Dazai, in spite of always acting so

flippant

about Chuuya's check-in texts, responds pretty fast.

Mackerel:

????

Chuuya makes a face, tossing his phone onto his desk.

Oh.

Well. Good for him, then.

He should probably be

studying

, or doing something

productive

with his time, but

hey

, if that's what he wants to do.

Chuuya drops down onto the edge of his bed, flopping back, his arms splayed as he lets out a slow breath. It was a fun day 'and now, given what Dazai is up to, it looks like he has the room to himself tonight.

If he'd known

that

was going to be the case, he would have invited Tachihara up 'even if he

does

have a shift tomorrow morning, Chuuya is pretty sure his boyfriend would have agreed.

But, given the fact that he actually

is

completely alone 'which is

so

rare, when you live in a dorm...

It's not a terrible idea..

Chuuya opens his bedside drawer, staring at the bottle of lube sitting there, one Dazai had very

dramatically

, gifted him, and Chuuya had made a big show out of throwing it at his head 'but he kept it.

...For some...personal...time.

It's not like he and Tachihara haven't been messing around. They have, and it's been

really

good actually, compared to Chuuya's experiences with Shirase. He's attentive, and while he's sort of new at being with guys himself, he definitely isn't

bad at it.

But...

Chuuya bites his lip, snatching up the bottle as he kicks off his shows.

Nope

.

Do

not

think about that.

It's honestly probably just because they haven't tried anything close to anal yet, and apparently, Chuuya's

into

that, so...

That's probably why.

Now, typically Chuuya's explorations into touching

himself

have always been a little

rushed

. Mostly because when he was living at home, his Dad had nasty habit of checking in on him frequently without announcing himself, and

here

, he has a

roommate

, but...

This time, he tries to go at it from a different angle.

Yuan was going on and

on

about how touching yourself is supposed to be a form of

'self-care'

or something, and that guys were idiots for just 'jerking off because they're bored.'

So...he tries to...make it...

nice

.

Hence turning down the lights until just his desk light is on, leaving the room with dim lighting, but not too much. Then, he strips out of his jeans and underwear, tossing them in the hamper, since he'll want to shower once he's done anyway.

Finally, he ends up in his bed, surrounded by plush blankets and pillows, slipping his headphones into his ears.

At first he just tries to put on the sexiest song he can think of, but...the best thing he comes up with is

'Hips Don't Lie'

by Shakira, and that just doesn't...set the mood.

So, he just goes for something low and ambient instead.

It's a little harder to reach on his back 'so he ends up laying on his stomach, a pillow slipped under his hips as he rubs the lube over his fingers, trying to remember how Dazai did it '

And that's

confusing

, emotionally 'just trying to go through this experience without

thinking

about Dazai while also having to remember what Dazai

said

but it isn't Dazai he's

fantasizing

about or anything '

Well. Really, he isn't fantasizing about anything at all right now, he's just positioning himself.

Right.

RIght

. He's fine. He's

not

thinking about him. No.

He's just...getting in the

zone

, yep. That's all he's doing.

And when you're rubbing your fingers against your

own

entrance, you don't exactly think of them as

your

own

, so...he pretends they're thicker, a little rougher.

Like Tachihara's.

Obviously

.

And when he slips one finger

in

, taking a shaky, deep breath before letting it out in a slow sigh, pressing his face into his pillow, that's

still

what he's thinking about.

On one hand, it's a little easier to set a

pace

when he's fingering himself, reading exactly when his muscles are ready for him to press deeper, or to gauge exactly how tight he is, and how much he needs to relax in order to get down to the next muscle.

So, it isn't

that

long before he's able to get two fingers working in and out, rocking his hips into the pillow gasping at the friction it creates against his cock, flushed and dripping between the pillow and his stomach.

It's just a little further. His fingers aren't as long or as dexterous as '

He lets out a soft whine, pressing his face deeper into the pillow.

Don't think about him.

His fingers are shorter than

average

so it isn't as

easy

for him to reach, but he

does

curve them up, rubbing them against his inner walls as he looks for

that

spot, and when he

does

, brushing over it with the tip of his middle finger, his thighs squeeze together as he gasps and moans against his pillows, his body convulsing.

God

, it still feels

really

good 'not

as

good, because the stretch isn't as intense. Which is interesting, given how that's the part Dazai said he

didn't

like '

Fuck

.

Chuuya bites his lip, squeezing his eyes shut.

Why can't he stop

thinking

about that guy?

Stop it.

It's

weird

.

You have a

boyfriend

.

He works his fingers against that spot again, this time catching it with the pads of his index finger and middle finger, rubbing slow circles that make his legs go

limp

.

Shouldn't I be imagining something right now?

Right. That 'yeah.

He scrunches his face up against the pillow, rocking back into his fingers as he tries to imagine it as

Tachihara

behind him, holding him down against the mattress, or hell, even some handsome celebrity, it doesn't matter '

But when his fingers catch the right angle, all he can hear in the back of his head '

"Tell me what you need."

"O 'Oh

god '"

his cock throbs in response, and he feels the tension slowly building, even as his stomach twists with

guilt

.

Because he's with someone else. Because he know Dazai offered to help him like that as a friend, and that he would probably think this is

creepy

, or worse '

And then, Chuuya remembers something.

"I'm not into guys..."

His breath is hitching, coming out in broken gasps and whines as he remembers what

else

Dazai said that night. And he probably can't put a lot of weight behind it, because he was

delirious

'

"But if I was..."

His fingers speed up and his heart is

pounding

, with everything in his head getting so

muddled

.

"You would be my first choice."

And given the fact that Dazai came out to Chuuya after he said that...that would mean...

He wants to tell himself that he's just moaning garbled gibberish into the pillow, that it isn't a

name

, or about anyone in

particular

, or that this isn't the most satisfying orgasm he's had since

that

day.

He comes down from it, breathing hard, shivering from the cold air filling the room 'what with it being November and all 'as soon as his body starts to cool down. He tugs his headphones off, setting them down on his nightstand as he turns over, trying to catch his breath before he moves to take a shower, and '

His life officially ends.

Like, he's about to fake his own death. To assume a new identity and pretend to be a circus performer in the American Midwest or something.

Because he

isn't alone.

Dazai is standing in the doorway, frozen, a protein bar halfway to his mouth, his jacket halfway off of his shoulders, and Chuuya is

dead

.

Dying

.

Leaving this earth.

They stare at each other for a long moment, Chuuya's face practically

melting off

from how hot his cheeks are, because his brain is screaming the same thing over and over.

Did he hear what I said?

Did he hear what I said?!

ohmygodidhehearwhatIsaid?!?!?!

"How

long have you been standing there?! '

Chuuya half hisses, half shrieks, and Dazai almost jumps out of his skin.

"I 'well '" Dazai's brain is struggling to turn back

on

because he really

has

been standing there for about

two minutes

just

gaping

but he doesn't have the heart to tell Chuuya

that

. "I just got here '"

Chuuya yanks the covers up all the way to his

chin

, "You said you were

busy!"

He mutters, squeezing his eyes shut,

mortified

, and Dazai averts his eyes towards the ceiling, even though Chuuya's already covered up.

"Yeah, I know, I '" he's

trying

to think when all he can really hear is Chuuya's muffled voice whimpering his name into a

pillow

, "I

was

, but we finished up and I didn't really want to linger, so '"

Chuuya tries to control his expression which is somewhere between terrified and

humiliated

. "Turn around."

"But I've already seen '"

"Turn. '

Chuuya snarls,

"Around. '

Dazai abruptly obeys.

Chuuya slips out of bed, only wearing an oversized t-shirt that barely covers

anything

as he reaches over to snatch a towel, along with some pajamas as he inches towards the bathroom door, facing Dazai the entire time to make sure he doesn't turn around again, like he's some sort of rabid wolf that might launch at Chuuya and rip his throat out if he turns his back on him for

one second.

He's even holding his hairbrush up like it might as well be a

dagger

, which is

ridiculous

, but it gives him a weird sense of security, alright?!

"If you tell anyone '" Chuuya hisses, reaching behind him to fumble for the doorknob, his fingers slipping, making it rattle under his fingertips, " 'I will

end

your

entire

existence '"

For someone who cuddles a dragon plush to sleep at night, he sounds pretty serious.

"I'm not gonna

tell

," Dazai whines, "I'm not

that

kind of asshole, but '" he scratches the back of his head, " 'while we're here, there

is

something you should know."

Chuuya pauses, his hand finding purchase on the knob enough to turn it, slowly opening the bathroom door.

"...What? '

"I honestly should have said so last time, but '" Chuuya presses his mouth into a thin line, trying to focus on keeping his heart rate under control, " 'you have

really

nice legs, you know that?"

"..."

Dazai is almost about to ask if he

heard

him right, then '

THUNK!

"

Ow

!" He whines, clutching the back of his head as the bathroom door slams shut, turning around to find a hairbrush sitting on the floor from where it had rebounded off of the back of his skull.

It takes a moment for Dazai to process the fact that Chuuya just hurled a

hairbrush

at him, and...

He doesn't know why that makes him

smile

.

And after that, he has to process the fact that while Chuuya definitely did not get the chance to see, he's hard

all over again

, and... Well, he has the benefit of knowing Chuuya is going to hide out in the shower for a

while

after that, so...

Thankfully for

him

, he isn't living with the same kind of denial when he mutters a

certain

name under his breath when his fingers are wrapped around himself, and he

at least

has the sense to be on his side, facing away if Chuuya happens to come out of the shower too soon.

He doesn't.

Chuuya presses his forehead against the shower wall, biting his lip as he waits for his heart to slow down, relieved when it finally does.

He's an

awful

person.

It isn't cheating. He didn't

do

anything. But 'it still feels

so

shitty and he doesn't know what to do about it.

Like, he

knows

he's attracted to Dazai. Obviously he is. But Dazai is also his

friend

, his closest friend here outside of Yuan, and 'Chuuya can also tell that Dazai does

not

want to be in a relationship. And that's

fine

. Honestly, Chuuya is a little

terrified

of the idea of being emotionally involved with someone like him after Shirase. Someone so...emotionally distant and noncommittal. And Chuuya

knows

Dazai wasn't like that when they were together in

that

setting, but 'That's probably because Chuuya is his

friend

.

Not because Dazai sees him like

that

.

And when Chuuya remembers the first time they met, the way Dazai practically recoiled at the thought of his friends seeing them kissing...

Even if he did want to be with him, it wouldn't be any different than it was with Shirase. Hiding. And while Chuuya doesn't think Dazai would

cheat

on him, not after everything they've said to each other...

He also doesn't think he can handle being with someone who would be ashamed of their relationship.

Even so, Dazai's own words keep ringing in his head.

"I would want

everyone

to know."

Chuuya turns around, letting the hot water pound into his forehead while he leans against the shower wall.

"You would be my first choice."

Hell, even from

that

day '

"You're

so

beautiful with your mouth on me '"

Chuuya swallows hard.

It's

so

fucking confusing, and honestly 'it's crazy to think that a couple of years ago, he was literally

dying

to be experiencing problems like

this

.

Normal stuff. His first kiss. His first boyfriend. Falling for someone, getting his heart broken.

Believe it or not, there

was

a time when he thought he really wasn't ever going to get to

experience

any of that, and it all seemed so

exciting

and

romantic

at the time, and now...

Chuuya's eyes sting.

It just

hurts

.