On the last day of exams, Dazai feels cold.

Probably because he should have worn a heavier jacket. That's definitely why. It's

snowing

, for Christ's sake. But he doesn't really care. He's standing on the steps of the biology department building, trying to remember what his plans were for the rest of the day. Probably going to a bar.

This doesn't feel like jealousy.

Watching them leaning against one of the trees on the Quad, Chuuya smiling each time his boyfriend steals a kiss from him, his face red from the cold, and maybe something more 'it's

painful

.

Dazai could deal with it, if it was some sleaze that was going to end up hurting him 'someone he could go and shove away, telling Chuuya that this was for his own good, not self-serving 'but he can't do that with this guy. Not someone who makes Chuuya

smile

like that.

And when he goes out to night, he'll tell himself it's just a drink to get the edge off after the stress of finals. Not because he'll be looking to get into a different redhead's bed, trying to get over it.

To get over

this

.

"Alright, that's it," he nearly jumps out of his skin at the voice next to him, "you look like you're about to start singing

'On My Own'

from Les Miserables, and I just can't handle that right now," Yuan punches his arm a little harder than she needs to, making the brunette wince and glare.

He doesn't get the accusation that he was expecting, like '

Why the hell are you mooning over your roommate? He has a boyfriend.'

Or '

Are you stupid? if you like him so much, ask him out.'

"Dazai-kun," Yuan takes hold of his sleeve, tugging it gently, and when Dazai looks at her he leans away, startled, "Are you okay?"

And it sounds

so

pathetic. Pitiful, really.

But no one has ever asked Dazai that before 'except for Chuuya, anyway.

"...I'm fine," he answers slowly, trying to tug out of her grip, but she holds on.

"I can tell..." her eyes drift to the side, to where Dazai has been staring and his stomach sinks at the idea of his problems being so

visible

. "Look, do you wanna get something to eat? We can talk about it."

"I'm not hungry."

Yuan's eye twitches slightly as she gives his arm another tug. "A drink? Boba? Karaoke? Work with me here, buddy."

Dazai makes a face, trying to think of a way to get out of this. Really, if he doesn't wanna go, he isn't going. No one has ever been able to

make

Dazai Osamu do something he doesn't wanna do '

"The room is all yours for the next two hours, have fun kids!"

They end up at a Karaoke bar called, 'Hungry Like the Wolf'.

Dazai is

not

happy about it.

"O-kay," Yuan sighs, queuing up songs as Dazai glares at his beer, "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way."

"What's the easy way?"

"You tell me what's bothering you." Yuan hums.

"And the hard way?"

'I 'll sing, ' Yuan replies grimly, pulling up some 80s tunes, 'and that might not sound like a threat, but believe me 'you 'll regret ever being born. '

'...So, you essentially dragged me into a torture chamber to make sure I would answer all of your questions? '

The pink haired girl smiles slyly. 'You gonna start talking, of not? '

It takes one extremely pitchy,

painful

rendition of total eclipse of the heart, Dazai is rubbing his temples, on the verge of a migraine.

'

Fine

, ' He groans, slumping back against the couch '

What

? '

'You like Chuuya, right? '

'Yuan, beautiful, listen ' ' Dazai stares at the ceiling, ' 'why does that matter? '

'Because he 's obviously crazy about you, and look '" Dazai 's breath catches ' 'I know you 're kind of a jackass, but I can

tell

he 's special to you '"

'Are you trying time play matchmaker right now? '

Yuan shrugs, "Honestly, I wouldn't bother, but Chuuya..." She shrugs, setting the mic aside as she walks over to sit on the couch next to Dazai. "I think we can

both

agree he's a better person than either of us," Dazai looks away, '

and

he deserves to be happy."

When Dazai doesn't immediately answer, she pinches his ear until he shoves her hand off with a whine, "

Yes

, yes, okay?! I agree, I also want him to be happy, alright? And guess what? You saw him giggling and staring into that botched nose job's eyes earlier too, right? He's happy."

"He's

settling

," Yuan waves him off, "and I think, deep down, you already know that."

Dazai grits his teeth, trying not to think about the incident from a few weeks ago.

Because he

has

thought about it. A

lot

. And he can't get the sound of Chuuya moaning his name out of his

head

. Particularly not when he's with someone

else

.

He actually called a redhead

'Chuuya'

in bed three weeks ago, and had to play it off like it was just some sort of slip of the tongue.

"First of all," Dazai grumbles, taking a big sip from his beer, "regardless of whether or not he's settling, he has a boyfriend." He puts his glass down with a little more force than is probably necessary. "And I'm not, under any circumstances, going to mess with someone else's relationship, got it?"

Yuan stares at him, a little surprised by how serious he sounds. "...After all of the other shit you've pulled, that's a red line for you?"

Dazai stares back at her, unreadable. "Yeah. It is."

Yuan stares at him for a minute, drumming her nails against her leg. "Is this sudden respect for common decency something that you're going to explain, or...?"

Dazai throws his hands up. "Everyone is always telling me what a dick I am, and then, the one time I show I have some sort of

moral code

, you start jumping down my throat about it?"

"Look," Yuan starts pulling up another song, "I'm not saying you have to seduce him into your bed before they're broken up or anything, I'm just saying you should be

honest

with him." She stands up, getting ready to start another song, "But I think you're too scared to do that, and that's pretty interesting."

"..." Dazai groans, "I answered your questions, why are you pulling up the backstreet boys..."

"You

didn't

answer my question," Yuan shrugs, "you said you wanted him to be happy. You didn't tell me if you

liked

him though."

"Oh, like if I

like

him like him?" Dazai rolls his eyes. "Are you

five?"

Dramatic piano overtures start playing, and Dazai

groans

.

"Empty...spaces...fill me up with holes ' '

To say she sounds like a half strangled chipmunk is

generous

, and it's

grating

.

"Yuan '"

"I triiiiiiied '" She wails, " 'to go on like I never knew youuuu!"

He's in

hell

.

"Listen! '

"I'm awaaaaake, but my world is half asleeeeep!"

Pins. Actual

needles

. In his eardrums.

"I've PRAAAY, FOR THIS HEART TO BE UNBROKEEEN '"

He barely manages to order another drink, because he

knows

he's going to need it.

"But without you all I'm going to beeeee is '"

"If you give me a migraine, I can't '"

"INCOOOOOMPLEEEETE!"

By the time she's four songs in, she's gotten Dazai to down as many drinks, and she cries out excitedly, "Oh my GOD, they have Mariah Carey!"

"

Fine

,

FINE

!" Dazai snaps, covering his ears. "You

win

, alright? I like him, are you happy?!"

Yuan turns on heel, twirling the mic around on its cord, "Yep," She smiles impishly, sitting on the arm of the couch next to him. "Was admitting that so hard?"

He

glares

, and she just beams in return. "Are we done here?"

Yuan shakes her head, "You knew you liked him before he found Tachihara," she sighs, resting her hands against her thighs as she swings her legs, "so, why didn't you ask?"

"..."

Her nails click against the machine as she pulls up the Mariah Carey catalogue.

"

Jesus

," Dazai groans, ready to rip his hair out, "because I wouldn't even

know how to do it,

okay? Can be

please

be done now '"

Yuan pauses, slowly turning to stare at him. "...Dazai."

"Yuan." He slurs, feeling like he's been looked in a CIA interrogation room for 24 hours.

"I've seen you take two girls home at the same time, without batting an eye '" Yuan points out, ' 'in one case, I've seen you ask a girl out while she was in the middle of being picked up by another guy 'and you're too scared to ask the

biggest

dork we know out?"

"I'm not scared, I..." Dazai trails off, struggling 'half because he's somewhat drunk at this point, and half because it's not easy to

say

. "I've never been in a relationship."

"I mean, not even like...a shitty high school one?"

Dazai shakes his head. "Nope. I've barely even had meaningful friendships. And '" He pinches the bridge of his nose, " 'I don't know

how

to be anyone's boyfriend. And I don't want to be."

Yuan knows, at the very least, the

friendship

part isn't normal. "Well, we're friends," she points out, bumping his shoulders. "And we're having a heart to heart '"

" 'you literally tortured me for information '"

She flicks the side of his head, "A

real bonding moment."

She corrects him sharply. "And do you know what friends do in situations like this?"

Dazai grumbles, squeezing his eyes shut. "What?"

"They let their friends sing their hearts out, and they don't judge them for it." Yuan shoves the mic into his chest, and Dazai groans "Since when have you been such an uptight guy?"

"Since you tried to make me talk about my feelings."

"Have you

ever

been to therapy?"

"It's a sore subject."

Dazai responds dryly, and Yuan pauses at that, considering her options, "Well, here 'if you

actually

sing a song like you mean it, then I'll set you free and never make you talk about your feelings again." Dazai

snatches

the mic at the opportunity, and Yuan adds. "

But

, if I get the vibe you aren't taking it seriously..." Yuan trails off with a shrug, "I'll pin you down and make you listen to me sing the entire ABBA catalogue."

"Has anyone ever told you that you'd make a

fantastic

police interrogator?"

"A few," Yuan grins impishly as her friend as he jabs the button on the machine, scrolling through options passively, finally picking one he recognizes, waiting as the lyrics queue up.

Yuan was prepared for the experience to be cathartic. He's a little drunk, vulnerable, and clearly dealing with his

first

emotionally intimate relationship at the ripe old age of eighteen, and Yuan can't really empathize with how

hard

that must be '

But she wasn't expecting

this

.

"What am I now?

What am I now?

What if I 'm someone I don 't want around?"

By the time he's finished, she's sitting there, jaw slack with shock, staring at him like he's

slapped her.

He turns the machine off, breathing hard as he turns around, pushing his hair back. "...What?"

"...Why the

fuck

are you a biology major?"

His brow furrows, "Excuse me?"

Yuan glares, "I can deal with the fact that I sound like a cat in labor, but you let me get up there and scream like I was trying to wake my

ancestors

when you knew you could sing like that the

entire time?!"

"..." Dazai shrugged, "I didn't realize telling you that would have made it stop. If I had, I would have sung the backstreet boys with you to make it end '"

"Seriously," Yuan pokes him, helping him up off the couch so they can balance their tab and leave '

and

get some food to help Dazai sober up before they head back, "How long have you been doing that?"

Dazai shrugs, "I used to do it a lot in middle school 'but I quit."

Yuan blinks with surprise as he swipes his card, pulling out his receipt. "Why?"

"Didn't really have a reason," Dazai shrugs, grabbing his coat. "It just didn't matter to me that much."

"..." Yuan frowns, pulling her own coat on as she follows him out the door. Really, she's spent a

lot

of time with Dazai this semester, mostly from being around Chuuya, and 'she isn't sure if

anything

really matters to him.

Except for...maybe...

She presses her lips together tightly. "Hey."

Dazai stops, turning around on the sidewalk, the wind whipping through his hair. "What?"

"I have one more question '" He already looks irritated, and she presses on, " 'before you get

mad

, it's just a yes or no."

"..." He sighs tiredly. "What?"

"When you said you wouldn't know how to be someone's boyfriend..." She frowns, rocking back on her heels, "You don't think you'd be good at it, right?"

"..." Dazai is distant, and she stares at him pleadingly.

"It's just a yes, or a no."

It's surprising when he actually answers. "...Yeah, I don't."

Yuan's eyes spark with inspiration. "What if I could prove that you

wouldn't

be bad at it? Would you change your mind?"

Dazai pauses, tilting his head to the side, "...How, exactly, would you do that?"

Yuan beams, awed by her own brilliance, "Take me on a date!"

"...What?"

"Well, I'm compulsively critical and I care about Chuuya a

lot

more than I care about you," She explains, and Dazai nods, like he's still following along with her reasoning at this point, "so if you take me out and you do your best, and I don't think you're good enough, I'll tell you 'and we can drop it. But if you

don't

suck, well '" she shrugs, "then you'll know that too."

Dazai stares her down, not liking that train of thought, but he

is

intrigued by the challenge. "I don't think your boyfriend would like that."

"Gin?" Yuan shrugs, "They'll be fine," she waves it off, "they aren't the jealous type, and they'll understand if I explain the Chuuya situation. Besides," She waggles her eyes at Dazai, "are you

really

going to turn down a challenge?"

She knows it's against his very nature, and he sighs "...Just a date?"

Yuan nods eagerly, "Scout's honor. And if you totally suck, I'll accept your fate to be lonely and emotionally repressed forever, and Chuuya and Tachihara can get married and adopt perfect redhead babies."

Dazai looks repulsed by the thought.

"How does Friday sound?"

Which is how they end up meeting in front of Yuan's dorm two days later, and she

giggles

. "Oh my god, you actually dressed nice for me," she grins, looking him up and down. He shrugs, and she knows she's doing this in the name of friendship, but even

she

is not immune to the sight of Dazai in a leather jacket that probably costs more than their tuition that semester, a button down (instead of a ratty band t-shirt) and jeans that aren't ripped.

"I took the assignment seriously," he rolls his eyes, looking over her get up, "and you're one to talk."

Yuan glances down at her sweater dress, fleece lined tights, and her heeled ankle booties. "Well, I'm not gonna get caught on a date looking like shit," she shrugs, taking Dazai's arm, "You like my hair?"

He glances over, looking closely, "It looks like a bow. '

"Yeah! I saw it on Pinterest!" She explains, "Chuuya is always rambling about how much he hates the site, but their hair tutorials are so

good!"

And because this

is

a challenge, Dazai

did

take it somewhat seriously. They start out with dinner at a really nice Izakaya near campus. He pulls out her chair, tells her she looks pretty that day, listens to her rambling about intentionally boring subjects without complaining.

So far, Yuan would give him high marks. "So," she muses, slurping her milk tea as they wait for dessert, "Where to next?"

"Now that we're here," Dazai raises an eyebrow at her, polishing off the last of his Sashimi, "I'm starting to think you just wanted an excuse to get me to buy you fancy food."

Yuan beams, winking at him before she waves down the waiter to order a refill "That's not very

romantic

, Osamu-kun."

Dazai rolls his eyes. She's

shameless

, but he can at least respect the hustle. Particularly the coldness in brutally holding him to an agreement he made while drunk and emotionally vulnerable outside of a Karaoke bar, but here they are.

But, as one could

very easily predict

things take a

turn

.

Dazai and Yuan are walking to the station 'hand in hand, she insisted 'and he doesn't actually

despise

it. There's something a little comforting about it, and when he imagines it's someone

else's

hand, well '

"Yuan?"

She turns her head, with Dazai following soon after her. Now, they're in a spot.

Five feet away from them, Chuuya is staring at their joined hands in utter

shock

, while holding onto his own boyfriend's hand for dear life, and Tachihara just looks baffled. "What are you two doing here?"

...Dazai has regrets.

Yuan, however, doesn 't seem shocked or bothered at all, looking cheerful as she hugs herself even tighter around Dazai 's arm, beaming at Chuuya cheerfully, 'We 're going on a date! Dazai was taking me to the Christmas market. '

Chuuya looks like he 's been slapped, but Tachihara seems pleased, 'It 's nice to finally get the chance to meet some of your friends 'you never said these two were dating. '

'I didn 't know. ' Chuuya replies on the tiniest voice possible, one that makes Dazai want to scream out his own guilt.

'We 're going to the Christmas Market too, ' Michizou explains, sliding his hand out of Chuuya 's so he can wrap an arm around him instead, 'Chuuya 's been dying to go, so we came on my day off. '

'Really? ' Yuan beams, hugging Dazai 's arm tighter. 'What a coincidence! Maybe we should '"

'Well, we 'll leave you two to it. ' Dazai cuts her off.

'Are you sure? ' Tachihara blinks, looking down at Chuuya, 'I don 't mind if you guys want to '"

'The chibi said you 've been working a lot, ' Dazai smiles robotically. 'Enjoy your day off together, really. ' And then he drags Yuan off, hissing in her ear, 'What the

hell

do you look so pleased with yourself for? '

Yuan is beaming, stumbling along as he walks a

little

too fast for her shorter legs to keep up. 'I just think it 's an interesting coincidence that your ideal date was exactly where Chuuya wanted to go. '

Dazai freezes not wanting to let himself feel

hopeful

over what really only amounts to being a stupid coincidence. Because it

is

stupid.

'Well, I didn 't say it was my ideal date... ' Dazai counters, 'This was purely to get you to think I 'd be, '

Good at it. ' '

'And

shocker

, ' Yuan smiles, 'You

are

good at it. ' She pushes him as they walk into the market. 'Now, just think about how much fun you would 've had if you came here with a certain someone... '

Dazai bites his lip.

They

do

enjoy the rest of the night '

And they 're the only ones.

'Chuuya... ' Tachihara trails off, watching as his boyfriend cranes his head to look through the crowd, 'You 're barely eating your food. '

Chuuya blinks in surprise, whipping his head around to stare at his plate, swallowing hard. 'Right 'Sorry, ' he mutters, picking up his fork.

'If you want to see your friends, I get it '"

'No! ' Chuuya smiles up at him cheerfully, 'I 'm fine. '

But by the end of the night, it 's clear that isn 't the case. He 's distracted. Irritated. And Tachihara...

'Look, Chuuya '"

His boyfriend can recognize the tone of his voice, but he tries to ignore it, holding his hand a little tighter as he points out the game stalls only a few feet away, 'Wanna try some of these? I mean, I know they 're kind of for kids, but '"

'I really think we should '"

'Or we could get some hot chocolate? There 's a shop right there '"

'We need to talk. '

Chuuya stops in mid-sentence, his stomach sinking as his shoulders slump. '...Yeah, ' he lets out a shaky breath, 'Okay. What 's up? '

'When we first started going out... ' Michizou sighs, scratching the back of his head, 'You told me about your ex, and I understood that, but... ' His next words slam into Chuuya like a punch to the gut, 'You didn 't tell me you had feelings for your roommate. '

Chuuya instantly stiffens up, biting his lip. 'I never said that I '"

'And that 's

okay

, ' Tachihara presses on, 'I 'm not saying you did anything wrong, but... ' He looks Chuuya up and down, how red faced and miserable he looks right now, 'I 'd rather deal with it now, when we 're only a month in, than find out later down the road. '

'I 'm... ' Chuuya trails off, dealing with a dozen different emotions. Guilt. Sadness. Fear...

And jealousy.

God

, he 's been swimming in it since he saw them holding hands. Because he 's never held Dazai 's hand. He barely even remembers what Dazai 's mouth felt like against his that night. And Yuan is prettier, funnier,

definitely

more experienced. She 's

amazing

. Why wouldn 't Dazai want to date someone like her? She probably doesn 't stumble through every sexual encounter. She doesn 't get thrown off when she tries something new. She 's confident, challenging, and...

Of

course

Dazai likes her. That makes sense.

'I don 't like him. '

'Chuuya... ' Michizou reaches out, and Chuuya feels even

worse

, because why the

hell

is this guy trying to comfort

him

right now?

'I

don 't

'" Chuuya mumbles, taking a step back, his voice wavering, 'He 's 'a huge jerk 'who probably '"

'Chuuya '"

' 'won 't even be here next semester, and ' ' Chuuya 's voice finally breaks, and Michizou pulls him into a hug, one he tries to push out of, but the older boy hugs him tight. 'I

hate

him, ' Chuuya mumbles, his eyes stinging, 'He 's '" he finally hugs Michizou back,

so

tightly, ' 'he 's

awful. '

Tachihara is currently grateful for the fact that he went into this relationship with low expectations. Because it was his own first time dating a guy 'and because Chuuya was fresh off of a breakup himself.

He figured it probably wouldn 't work out. He just...never expected to end up liking Chuuya as much as he did. And he knows this is the part where he could try to be the,

'nice guy. '

To stick around and think, '

Well, I 'm clearly the better choice, so if I keep trying long enough, that 'll work. '

But he knows 'that never works.

'Look... ' he rests his chin on top of Chuuya 's head. 'You said you just started dating, right? '

Chuuya nods shakily, and Tachihara sighs.

'Well 'it 's normal to make a lot of mistakes. Or to get confused about how you feel. You 're not a bad person. ' He feels like he

has

to say that, because Chuuya looks

sick

with guilt right now.

"I wasn't trying to..." Chuuya don't know what he's trying to say. That he wasn't trying to lead Tachihara on. That he didn't mean to put them both in this situation. That he feels like a selfish little brat for putting them both through this...

"I know, but..." Tachihara takes a deep breath. "I think it would be easier for both of us if we were...just friends."

Even

if

Chuuya wasn't completely in love with him, it still feels like a rejection. Even now, under these circumstances.

"I understand," he looks away. "I understand if you don't even want to be my friend after that, really, I'm..." his voice cracks. "I'm just

really

sorry '"

"Chuuya," Tachihara starts, his eyes widening with concern, "It's really fine '"

"No..." Chuuya mumbles, not sure if he's responding to his boyfriend 'his ex-boyfriend now 'or if he's referring to the fact that...

It's

really

shitty timing.

"Chuuya ' ' Tachihara repeats again, but this time he sounds a little further away, " 'are you okay?"

The thing they never explain, when you live with something like this, is that it doesn't have convenient timing. Sometimes, you don't make it to the end of your first normal break up before you have a flare up.

And that's really,

really

embarrassing.

And for Michizou, he's sure it's terrifying, because it comes on

fast

.

His awareness slows down 'and he knows that he isn't standing up anymore, and he is silently

cursing

at the top of his lungs, because fainting in front of a crowded group full of people has always been his

worst

nightmare.

Michizou manages to get him sitting on a bench nearby, holding his face, trying to talk to him. "Chuuya, can you hear me? Someone's calling an ambulance '"

"No..." Chuuya moans, his eyes twitching as he starts to come to, "No, don't...do that..."

"Look, I know you're out of it, but you just

collapsed

'"

"I

know

'" Chuuya mutters, trying to work through his own humiliation. "My phone..."

Tachihara fumbles in Chuuya's coat pocket for him, pulling it out, and the art student sighs heavily. "The passcode is...7821...There's a contact in there...Sakamoto...call him, okay?"

Tachihara fumbles to do as he says, a little shaky from the shock. "Is he a relative or something?"

Chuuya squeezes his eyes shut, trembling fingers fumbling in his pockets, wrapping around a pill bottle. "No, not really..."

Dazai leans back against the Ferris Wheel, glancing out over the city lights, crossing his arms over his chest. "Well, did I stick the landing?"

Yuan yawns, stuffed full from dinner, snacks, dessert, and lots of eggnog from walking around the market for a couple of hours. "Yeah..." She agrees wholeheartedly, breathing in the night air. "You passed with flying colors." She glances over at her friend. "You really

are

good at this, for someone who's

'not up'

to being anyone's boyfriend." She hums, "Though I really don't get

why

you're so against it."

"I don't know..." Dazai sighs, pulling his jacket a little tighter around his shoulders. "It feels like dating is just a stepping stone to getting married. And if you don't want that, why bother?"

Yuan tilts her head to the side, "You don't ever wanna get married?"

"...Every marriage I've ever seen has been nothing but one big game to see who can make the other more miserable." Dazai mutters, "And I know I'm not any better than them, so..." Dazai sighs.

"...Better than your parents?" Yuan asks softly, and when her friend nods, she offers, "My parents split up too 'when I was nine. It was really hard '"

"My parents aren't actually divorced yet." Dazai sighs heavily.

"Are they in the process, or...? ' Dazai sighs.

'They 've been separated for eight years. '

Yuan is a little startled by the time frame. 'That 's a long time... '

'Yeah, ' Dazai glances up at the sky, stars disappearing behind the clouds. 'Every time they started to go to court, they ended up backing out and trying to make it work. '

It 's a gentle way of saying the custody battle became so severe, Dazai 's grandfather had to step in.

'And my mom knows my dad is coming up on a big inheritance...and if she signs the papers before that, she won 't see a cent of it. '

Yuan can admit...that would give anyone a jaded view of marriage. and of relationships in general. 'I don 't think Chuuya cares about money, ' She offers softly. 'Or any of th '"

'Look, ' Dazai reaches over, taking her hand and squeezing it, 'This was fun, but the situation hasn 't changed. '

Yuan isn 't so sure, given the seeds of discord that she may or may not have sewn intentionally. 'If you say so... '

Chuuya actually kinda likes his most recent doctor. He was the one who let the redhead ditch the medical alert bracelet over the summer 'which had been boyfriend repellent up until then. He 's also been more laid back about checkups, and as a result, for the first time in his life, Chuuya has felt like a normal teenager. But that 's not his

favorite thing.

'Nakahara-kun... ' Sakamoto-sensei trails off. 'I really think we should call your father. '

'You don 't have my consent. ' Chuuya sighs. The oxygen tube hooked around his nose feels like overkill.

His favorite thing about this doctor, is that Chuuya started seeing him when he was eighteen 'and for the first time, he 's been able to assert confidentiality.

'Chuuya... ' the doctor sighs, 'It 's your choice to make, but we 're running out of options. '

His stomach sinks, and he grits his teeth. He 's been negotiating with his body for

so

long, and it 's always been a losing battle. 'I thought you said we could still up my meds? '

'Chuuya...I think we 've reached the point where we know it 's a matter of time before the medication stops being effective. And after your EKG... ' the doctor takes off his glasses, wiping them off.

And then, he says the words that Chuuya has been terrified of hearing since he turned fifteen.

'I think it 's time we started talking about surgery. '

Chuuya shakes his head vehemently, his hands shaking. 'I can handle it. '

'Listen '" the doctor puts his glasses back on, ' 'this isn 't something you can push through '"

'My family would make me drop out. ' Chuuya explains tiredly, biting his lip. 'I 'm

finally

starting to get some independence, and I don 't... '

'That might be

better

, ' his doctor counters gently. 'I know it isn 't what you want, but university is a high stress environment, and you need to '"

'I don 't

want

rest! '

'Chuuya, I know it

sounds

frightening, but your condition is

manageable

. ' Sakamoto reaches out to squeeze his shoulder, 'right

now

, while there isn 't structural damage. But every incident like this... '

Chuuya slumps.

'I 'm not trying to be alarmist, but your vitals were so out of synch when you were brought in... ' he shakes his head. 'I 'm not sure how you didn 't have a heart attack. And if you go through that again...we might not be talking about elective surgery anymore. '

Chuuya wraps his arms around himself tightly. 'Can we

try

upping my meds first? Please? '

His doctor sighs reluctantly. 'All that 's going to do is push this conversation back six months, maybe 'and it risks something like this happening

again

'"

'I 'll be more careful, ' Chuuya pleads. 'I 'll take a lighter class load, I 'll do yoga

please? '

The doctor looks

reluctant

, but he can 't force Chuuya to accept further treatment, even if he thinks this is incredibly reckless. 'In that case 'I want to see you once a week from now on. '

Chuuya groans, but he accepts it.

'

And

I am

begging

you to take it easy. '

'Okay ' '

'That means reducing your stress, no more strenuous exercise, and

sleep

. '

Chuuya frowns, watching as he scribbles out a new prescription, 'I 've already been sleeping a lot ' '

The doctor offers the script with a stern expression, 'Sleep

more. '

'

Fine

, fine! ' Chuuya relents, tugging off the oxygen mask as he slips down from the examination table, still a little weak in the knees.

'Nice try, ' Sakamoto shakes his head. 'I 'm keeping you overnight. '

'Seriously?! I don 't even have my stuff '"

'Why don 't you have one of your friends bring it here? '

'... ' Chuuya flips back, 'I guess I 'll just buy a phone charger and a toothbrush in the gift shop. '

'...Chuuya, ' Sakamoto asks slowly, 'You 've told

someone

at school, haven 't you? '

'Don 't start '"

'Chuuya ' '

'I 'm registered with the office of student disabilities, my professors know '"

'Does your roommate know? '

Chuuya shakes his head, 'He doesn 't need to! It 's my business, and I already know what it 's like when everyone knows, okay?! '

'What if you have an attack in the middle of the night? '

'That isn 't gonna '"

'It 's

reckless

, Chuuya. '

Chuuya stares him down stubbornly, and Sakamoto sighs tiredly. '...You 're the patient that is going to give me gray hairs early, understand? '

'Yeah, yeah... ' He yawns, watching as Sakamoto goes off to get one of the nurses to set Chuuya up in a room for the night. But then, something else occurs to him. "...Sakamoto-sensei?"

The doctor pauses, his hand on the doorknob, "...Yes?"

"Um..." Chuuya frowns, shifting uncomfortably, because it's an awkward thing to

ask

, and not something that particularly mattered when he experienced a flare

before

.

"When you said..." Chuuya bites his lip before letting out a heavy sigh. "When you said...that I should avoid strenuous exercise..." Chuuya frowns, his cheeks heating up as he stares at the floor. "Did that...um...include..." He's

hoping

the doctor will at least see what he's getting at, but Sakamoto doesn't seem to be following at

all

. Chuuya sighs miserably, forcing himself to say it, "Does that include being sexually active?"

"Oh," the doctor blinks, a little surprised 'but it isn't that abnormal. He's an eighteen-year-old boy, after all. "Well, I don't see it being an issue. Generally, being sexually active reduces stress. As long as you aren't pushing yourself too much 'the elevated heart rate posed by arousal isn't as much of a concern. '

"Great," Chuuya mutters, mortified, "Got it '"

"

But

, if you went ahead and opted for the surgery, you could be as sexually active as you want without any concern what-so-ever '"

"

Okay

," Chuuya groans, pressing his face into his hands as the doctor slips out the door, "

thanks

."

He does call Tachihara, once he's settled in a hospital bed for the night, reassuring him as best as he can, "No, I'm really fine..." He smiles tiredly when he hears the apologetic babbling on the other line. "I didn't have a heart attack because you broke up with me Michizou, it just happens sometimes...And it wasn't even a heart attack. They 're sending me home tomorrow. Really I 'm just staying the night as a precaution...yeah, yeah. '

Eventually he hangs up, slumping over and turning over onto his side. It 's been a little while, since he spent the night in the hospital. It doesn 't bring back good memories.

Dazai texts, but Chuuya doesn 't have the energy to look at it. Not tonight. Or Yuan 's. His heart has quite literally had enough today 'and whatever it is 'he can deal with it in the morning. He closes his eyes, succumbing to the utter

exhaustion

that his body has been trying to tell him about for

weeks

now.

When Chuuya doesn't come back that night

or

text him back, Dazai is left questioning.

He doesn't think Chuuya could be in any

danger

, because as much as Dazai resents Tachihara, he knows he's a

decent

guy.

Which means one of two things:

One: he's spending the night in Tachihara's place, off campus. Which isn't weird. He's Chuuya's boyfriend. There's nothing inappropriate or unusual about Chuuya staying there, he just....hates imagining why.

Two: He's

mad

about the Yuan thing. And maybe that's a little hopeful on Dazai's part. Though why he would

want

Chuuya to be jealous when he

knows

he isn't going to do anything about it? It 's...selfish at best, being a shitty friend at worst.

When Chuuya shows up after lunchtime the next day, Dazai is pretty

solidly

convinced it's just a case of Chuuya spending the night with Tachihara. But when he sees Chuuya's face when he walks into their dorm room, pale, exhausted, dumping a pharmacy bag into his dresser without a word, Dazai finds himself worried about something

completely

different.

"You okay?"

Chuuya pauses for a moment. He isn't a good liar. Never has been. He gets guilty. Stammers. Adds ridiculous details that don't make sense. The whole circus.

But

, when you get certain to living a certain way, you develop certain tactics.

He doesn't turn around, facing his dresser when he says it, his voice tired, and

sad

. "Michizou broke up with me."

"...He

what

? '

That's

baffling

. Because...literally twenty four hours before, the sophomore had been

all over

Chuuya.

"He said it wasn't working." Chuuya mutters, biting his lip. "I didn't want to make a big deal out of it last night, so I stayed at a friend's place."

Dazai raises an eyebrow, "Which friend?" It wasn't Yuan. She'd called him worried about Chuuya that morning.

Chuuya shrugs. "She's in one of my classes. You 'uh '" he winces, still facing away, " 'you don't know her."

Dazai isn't sure if he

believes

that, particularly when Chuuya seems so uncomfortable with discussing the details, but...

"Look, I just...I just wanna take a shower, okay?" Chuuya mutters, grabbing his stuff. "I just know you don't really go on dates, so I didn't want to mess it up '"

"Chuuya," Dazai frowns, caught between concern and guilt of his own, "it wasn't an

actual

date."

Chuuya frowns, turning his head slightly to look him in the eye. "Then why did she say it was?"

Dazai doesn't know why he feels the

need

to explain himself, because all he's accomplishing is setting himself up for disappointment, but...

"I told her I had never taken anyone on a date before, and she wanted me to prove whether or not I would be any good at it," Dazai shrugs, leaning back against his bed frame. "You can check with her."

Chuuya glances away, suddenly feeling childish and

shitty

and like he

overreacted

. "Well '" he takes a deep breath, grabbing a change of clothes, " 'it looked like she was having fun, so I'm sure you did a good job."

He walks off to the bathroom, and Dazai isn't sure whether or not he's upset with

him

, or over the

breakup

, and...with only a few days left in the semester it doesn't seem like something he should be fixating on either way.

When Chuuya comes out, however, changed into his pajamas, he doesn't seem

angry

.

"Hey..." Chuuya takes a deep breath, rubbing his arm. "Would it...be okay if I..." He's struggling to find the words for what he's thinking 'what he's

feeling

--but Dazai doesn't push him to speak before he's ready. He just waits. "Could we just...watch a movie or something?"

Dazai is aware of the fact that establishing some distance would probably make it

easier

, but...at this point, they've practically established a post-breakup routine.

Which consists of Chuuya laying against his chest with his iPad balanced against this legs, watching some shitty slasher flick that Dazai is practically bored to tears by, and Chuuya doesn't jump

as much

as he did before, but he still turns his face into Dazai's sweatshirt every now and then 'and the brunette enjoys that more than he

should

.

It's comfortable, intimate 'and if Dazai is being honest with himself...he missed it.

He misses

touching

Chuuya. Not just like

that

'even if yes, he

does

miss that too 'but just...holding him, like this. It's soothing 'and one of the few times where Dazai's brain actually

slows down

to a manageable hum.

Chuuya is silently battling between what he wants, and what he knows is realistic.

Yes, he

knows

he shouldn't be entertaining the idea of being with someone who doesn't

want

a relationship. And given what happened yesterday... Chuuya doesn't actually think about dying very often. He isn't sure if it's a conscious choice, or a coping mechanism.

Every single doctor he's ever had has tried to remind him that it's all very

treatable

, that he's still young, and it won't get worse. That was how they got him to make compromise after compromise in his life. Quitting sports. Spending years at home instead of out in school, living his life. Avoiding difficult things, being constantly reminded that no matter how

tough

he is, there are some things you just can't beat.

But the meds 'they really

did

make it manageable. For

years

. Long enough for Chuuya to believe that it was under control, and that he was getting

better

. And yeah, maybe surgery

would

work 'but now Chuuya is

terrified

that it might not, and '

For the first time, he isn't sure if he can

actually

beat this.

And he can't stop thinking about the things he

wants

to do before he takes that leap.

Finish his first year of college. Create an original project and actually

finish it

. Visit Ane-san in the States. Actually going surfing.

And...well, one other thing.

Actually, it's more than

just

that one thing, but Chuuya is pretty sure he can't actually

obtain

the rest of that stuff, since he's working in such a small window of time.

But, he figures...it's now or never