-6-

Hands

E

rwin lifted his pen and dropped it, watching it roll down the file he had propped at a slant on his desk. His other hand cupped his chin, the only thing holding his head upright. His eyes were scratchy and drooping, and his mind paced circles around his conversation with Levi.

What do I want?

He caught the pen at the bottom of the makeshift ramp and dropped it back onto the top, watching it roll again.

The problem wasn 't figuring out what he wanted: he already knew that. He thought he had lost Levi forever, and now that he was back from the dead, all the reasons to hold back felt meaningless. Sitting in that bath, Erwin had barely been able to resist the urge to grab Levi 's wrist and pull him onto his lap. At least he had shown some restraint then; he was ashamed of how recklessly he had acted during their initial reunion. How far would things have gone if Hange hadn 't interrupted that kiss?

He frowned. That 'shitty ' kiss. The word drove into his pride like a thorn, worming its way deeper each time he thought about it. Maybe he had been a little too enthusiastic, but he was normally an excellent kisser 'or so others had told him 'and he hated the idea that their only kiss would be of inferior quality. Though, if he were honest, he couldn 't tell if it was really a point of pride, or if he was just looking for an excuse to try again.

He dropped his head, fingers raking into his hair. Why was he spending his entire afternoon thinking about Levi? There was work to be done.

Focus.

A knock sounded at the door, and he was embarrassed by how badly he wanted it to be Levi standing on the other side. 'Come in. '

Shadis stepped into the room, a smile wrinkling his face. 'This is an unprecedented day for the Survey Corps. You must be happy. '

Erwin set the pen neatly beside the file, subtly flattening his ramp. 'Indeed, I am. Happy is an understatement. '

Shadis closed the door and took a seat opposite him. 'Levi 's return isn 't going to cause any problems, is it? '

'No, sir. ' No more than it already had, anyway. He hoped.

'You 'd better be telling the truth, Smith. I 'd hate to see you throw your career away. It 's good for a man to get laid once in a while, but don 't mix business and pleasure. ' He pulled an envelope out of his jacket and handed it across the desk. 'Summons from the Capital. '

Erwin opened it, discovering an invitation to a formal induction ceremony in five days. He swallowed hard. This was everything he had wanted, but not at the cost of losing Anke.

'After the induction ceremony, ' Shadis said, 'there will be a gala. '

'A gala? '

'Not on your behalf, I 'm afraid. No one was expecting a handoff this soon after Anke 's promotion, so they 're rolling you in with the spring solstice festival, since you would be invited to that anyway. You 'll probably want to identify your next in command before then, bring them along and show them the ropes, the way I did with you and Anke on occasion. '

Erwin tried to picture Levi at a gala in the Capital. The concept was ludicrous. 'Will you be in attendance, Keith? '

'No, the new trainees are having their first exam this weekend, so I need to shadow Instructor Marta. But the other military branches will be there. ' Shadis leaned back in his seat. 'Be sure to introduce yourself to Commander Dot Pixis. He 's a bit of an odd duck and likes the drink more than he should, but he 's been around long enough to understand how the system works. He 'll be a valuable ally if there 's a crisis within the walls. Captain Kitts Woerman will be with him, but ' ' Shadis frowned. 'He won 't be of much use to you. Rumour has it they 're going to promote another Squad Leader to Captain soon. The branch is big enough that one Captain isn 't enough, anyway. '

Erwin quietly began to take notes. 'And the Military Police? '

'You 've already met Commander Williams, but rumour has it he 's taken quite ill and may not be in active duty for a while. Likely Captain Nile Dok will be there instead. '

'Good. ' There was still the matter of the empty military silo to discuss.

Shadis eyed him, evidently reading his mind. 'Don 't go getting obsessed with those tax chests, Erwin. You 're going to find the Military Police has questionable motives on occasion, but pointing fingers at them will only bring you trouble. Don 't give them any ammunition. The Survey Corps is hanging by a thread as it is 'the Interior has been trying to shut us down for years. Each expedition is scrutinized and criticized behind our backs. '

Erwin 's brows rose. 'Is that so? ' He had known the Corps was at risk, but not as badly as that.

'Over the years, I have purposefully been shielding you and Anke from some of the messier politics. I know you 've seen bits and pieces of it, but not the big picture. ' Shadis leaned across the desk. 'Get in good with Commander-in-Chief Zackly; make him an ally, right from the start. He already likes you, so that shouldn 't be hard. And make sure you have some expeditions that show demonstrable progress. The last one was good 'having a high survival rate and bringing back something of value to the King will make people happy. If you can finally establish a base outside the walls and make progress toward reclaiming Wall Maria, that will make the Interior happy as well. The safer they feel, the happier they 'll be, and the happier they are, the happier you are. '

Erwin 's heart beat in his throat. He had long suspected that the wealthy elite had different motives than the rest of the populace, and this only heightened his suspicions. He nodded. 'Thank you for this information. '

'You 'll figure out the rest yourself, probably in more detail than I ever did. You 're a smart kid. Need a hand with that paperwork? '

'Please. '

It was, thankfully, much easier to concentrate with his mentor present. They worked together on the paperwork until the dinner bell rang. Shadis stood and waited for him, but Erwin shook his head.

'You go ahead. I need a minute. ' He hadn 't spent any time preparing a speech, so he would have to improvise. He needed a couple minutes to collect himself first.

He went to the men 's bath and wet his comb, then carefully parted and combed his hair. Using a hand towel, he polished the Commander 's pendant, then straightened his collars. The black eye and split lip were still ugly, but he didn 't look nearly as peaked as earlier, though he certainly was feeling the hangover more. At least that meant he was finally sober.

With one last look in the mirror, he dampened his fingertips and smoothed his eyebrows, then took a deep breath.

When he entered the mess hall, he saw Shadis, the Squad Leaders, and a few Team Leaders sitting at the longest table. As he walked past, Levi looked up at him. Their eyes held for a beat too long, but this time, it felt comfortable. Levi gave a small nod, and Erwin returned it.

We 'll be okay,

he decided, e

ven if we make the logical choice and keep our relationship platonic.

The thought of a platonic relationship was accompanied by a wave of loneliness, as if he were pre-emptively heartbroken, and that 's when he realized logic wasn 't going to save him. Not this time.

He moved to the head of the room and clasped his hands behind his back, waiting. Gradually, the murmuring died down, and dozens of eyes focused on him.

'Good evening, everyone. ' His voice echoed. 'I 'm here for two very unusual reasons. The first is to welcome back Squad Leaders Levi and Hange Zo ' for accomplishing the impossible: returning to base after a day 's separation from the group. I 'm certain they have quite a story to tell, but as they have had a trying day, I ask that you give them some space to allow them to reorient themselves. Please join me in giving them a salute out of respect for the trials they have endured. '

The room rose to its feet. He thought he saw Levi 's eyes roll, but Hange 's lit up as their comrades saluted in unison.

Once everyone was seated again, Erwin continued. 'The second reason I 'm here is to address some rumours that are circulating about my behaviour last night. This will not be easy for me to admit; I have a longstanding reputation as a man who can separate reason from emotion. However, if I am to be your Commander, I want my relationship with each of you to be built on a foundation of honesty and trust. This includes admitting to mistakes when I make them. '

He paused. His eyes scanned the room and landed on Levi. 'In my many years with the Corps, I have lost countless people close to me, but last night 's losses were a particular strain. I reached a breaking point and made the poor decision to drown my misery in alcohol, which led to another poor decision to mount a one-man rescue operation. ' He saw Levi 's eyes slowly begin to widen. 'It was a stupid, selfish decision, especially at a time when a good portion of our senior leadership was deceased or missing. If it hadn 't been for decisive action by Squad Leader Mike Zacharias, I would have ridden to my death, and I 'm ashamed to say I didn 't react well to his intervention. The scuffle that ensued was no way for any member of the Survey Corps to behave, let alone a future Commander.

'I come to you now with a sincere apology. You trust me to make the best decisions for the sake of humanity, and I betrayed that trust. I am deeply sorry. ' He pulled into a salute.

He didn 't expect what happened next: around the room, soldiers began to stand and return his salute. His heart pounded in his throat.

Is this what Shadis meant when he said people would respect me if I were more in touch with my humanity?

Levi stood and saluted as well, and Erwin swallowed hard. Levi rarely saluted, even when proper decorum required it.

'Thank you for your generous acceptance, ' he said to the room. 'That is all I have for you today. Good evening. '

His cheeks were warm as he walked to the service line to receive his tray of food. Public speaking was no trouble for him 'he enjoyed attention and responsibility 'but he was accustomed to showing strength in public, not weakness. The soldiers working in the service line gave him nods of approval and respectful murmurs of 'Sir, ' which put him a bit more at ease. As strange as it was, it seemed his breakdown the previous night had been a step forward with the troops, not a step back.

He had planned to take his tray back to his office, but as he passed the long table, Levi slid over, leaving room for him at the end of his bench. The invitation was appealing; perhaps a break from paperwork would refresh his mind. Erwin accepted the seat, the fit so tight that their thighs were almost touching.

'Erwin, ' Hange said with wonder, 'you were planning to come rescue us? '

He smiled kindly. 'Both of you are valuable assets to this team, and between your disappearance and Anke 's death, I 'm afraid my head wasn 't on straight. Thankfully, Mike put it back into alignment. '

'Don 't ever try to fight Erwin, ' Mike said to his comrades, his voice pinched by the bandaged nose. 'He was the top of our class in hand-to-hand combat, and he 's a lethal force, even drunk. '

'I didn 't know you could fight, ' Levi said.

'I try to avoid it. ' Erwin tapped his black eye. 'Don 't sell yourself short, Mike. This eye is going to get me a lot of questions when I go to the Capital next week. '

'Tell them a titan did it, ' Dita said. 'It 's not like the brass would know what it 's like to fight one. '

'All right, enough banter, ' Shadis said. 'I know we 're not supposed to pester our Squad Leaders for information about their disappearance, but Hange looks ready to burst. '

Hange 's eyes lit up. 'Levi, do you mind if I tell them all about it? '

'Yeah, sure. ' Levi began to eat with his left hand, casually laying his right on the bench. Erwin glanced down at it. They were sitting so closely that the little finger was almost touching his thigh. Was the proximity intentional? An invitation, even?

'When the blast struck, we were partially shielded by the cart, ' Hange said. 'Levi got the worst of it; he was unconscious when the dust settled. Titans were closing in on us, and I panicked: I grabbed him and went for the trees. I should have gone for the silo, but ' '

'There was no time to think, ' Levi said, and Erwin was surprised by the gentle tone. Apparently a night in the woods had done a great deal to forge a bond between the two. The thought of Levi unconscious and helpless made fear settle in a cold ball in his stomach.

Even when I went back to check on him, I got there too late. If not for Hange, he really would be dead.

He glanced down at the bench again. The tabletop gave them cover; no one would see anything if he were to place his hand on top of Levi 's.

You 're supposed to be taking time to think this through,

he told himself, but he was a man who could see several steps ahead of every situation, and it was already clear where this one was going.

Without changing his posture or expression, he began to eat with his right hand, laying his left along the side of his thigh. His hand was less than an inch away from Levi 's, leaving just enough of a gap to back out if he changed his mind. He had promised not to make any advances unless he was certain, after all.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Levi 's throat bob.

'We were still being pursued by titans, ' Hange continued, 'and several of them were tall enough that the trees wouldn 't protect us. I left Levi on a branch and took out five titans unassisted. '

'Five? ' Mike said dubiously.

'Not as impressive as it sounds. These titans were strangely sluggish. I don 't know if they were tired or the cold slowed them down or what. But I had some interesting findings when I tried to chop off the arm of one of them ' '

The body heat building between their thighs was wearing away Erwin 's resistance. He stretched out his fingers, crossing his little finger over Levi 's; he received a sharp glance in response, but didn 't pull away. The gesture could still be explained away as an accident, if necessary, but in his heart, Erwin knew there was no going back now, not when that little centimetre of skin contact was making his stomach flutter. He sat stiffly upright, eyes locked on Hange, and in his periphery, he saw Levi mirror the pose.

'Okay, enough about your findings, ' Eld said, interrupting the rambling. 'I want to hear how you got out of that mess. '

'Oh, ' Hange said, 'Well, the temperature kept dropping, and the remaining titans were still swarming the tree trunk. Levi didn 't wake up for another eight hours or so ' '

The severity of the concussion was much worse than Erwin had imagined, and his stomach plummeted.

I came so close to losing you.

Decisively, he grabbed Levi 's hand.

In his periphery, he could see Levi 's jaw tightening. He struggled to keep his own breaths even and controlled, waiting for a reaction. This hand grip was more terrifying than any move he had ever made. He could effortlessly seduce a stranger at a bar, deliver a passionate kiss to someone he barely knew, but something about Levi stripped away all his years of practice. In this moment, he was just a dumb kid in love, waiting anxiously to see if his crush would accept his hand or pull away. He tried to distract himself by listening to Hange speak, but he had lost the ability to comprehend words.

Then, finally, Levi reacted. His hand rotated, palm up, and their fingers intertwined.

A rush ran up and down Erwin 's spine, and he bit the inside of his cheek. This was well past the point of no return, but he didn 't feel trapped. He felt free.

He cast Levi a sideways glance, and received one in return, their faces perfectly stoic as their thumbs slid together beneath the table.

The conversation continued after dinner ended, shifting naturally between new topics. Officers drifted from the table, until eventually it was Levi, Erwin, Mike and Eld. Mike had started telling tales about their trainee days. Normally, Erwin wasn 't fond of discussing his youth. He had been a lot more headstrong then, idealistic to a fault, with a temper for anyone who questioned him. There was also the matter of their heavy drinking habits; it had been peacetime, after all, and so the military had been much more lax with its trainees back then. Tonight, however, Mike was painting it all in a rather flattering light, so Erwin didn 't mind Levi listening.

Besides, their hands were still joined under the table, their shared little secret, and he didn 't have the heart to break the contact.

' 'so we 've still got five stations left to complete, and Lars loses it. He tells Erwin he 's not going to follow the plan, and we 're all going to fail the exercise, and he calls him a shitty leader, ' Mike said. 'Erwin 's face goes purple. Not just red, purple. We all step back, expecting him to clock the guy. Instead, he snaps out a fist and stuns him. One jab to the head, boom, Lars is down before anyone knows what happened. Erwin drapes him over his shoulders and takes him with us. He did the rest of the course with Lars unconscious on his back. Told Instructor Marta some bullshit about an accident at the third station, and we passed with flying colours. We even got bonus points for rescuing a wounded teammate. ' He shook his head. 'That was when I learned how far Erwin Smith will go to reach his goals, and I decided right then I would follow him anywhere. '

Levi turned to him, raising a brow. 'You going to knock me unconscious if I question your decisions, Erwin? '

'Since then, I 've learned there are more subtle ways to convince people to one 's side, ' he replied dryly.

Eld stood and stretched. 'Well, it 's getting late, and last night was a long night for all of us. I 'm turning in. '

'Yeah, me too. ' Mike stood as well.

They exchanged their goodnights, then it was just Erwin and Levi, sitting suspiciously close to each other on the bench, their hands still joined.

'You must be exhausted, ' Erwin said quietly.

Levi shrugged, but when he spoke, his voice was softer than usual: 'Yeah, but I 'm still feeling a bit screwed up from last night. Not sure I should be alone right now. '

Finally releasing his hand, Erwin slowly rose to his feet, his knees creaking. 'I could come check on you. ' It was strange to have his hand to himself again. He curled his fingers around the cold, hand-shaped echo of Levi 's grip, already missing it.

'Okay. Give me about fifteen minutes. '

For a moment, they were silent. As Levi stood, he lifted his abandoned hand and stared at it, as if he didn 't believe his own memory.

'Levi. ' Erwin leaned in close. He kept his eyes on the few soldiers still lingering at their tables, watching them to make sure they wouldn 't be overheard. 'I know what I want, but I also know I have wounds that need to heal. A relationship with me would progress slowly. It would take great patience. '

When he pulled away again, Levi 's face had a gentleness to it he had never seen before. 'It 's okay. '

'It 's been a very long time ' ' he said, not quite sure how to admit that Henrik had been his last male partner. Gender shouldn 't matter to him 'it had never mattered before Henrik 'but since his death, Erwin had only had two partners, both of them women, and that wasn 't by accident.

Stopping to consider his romantic life made him realize how lonely he was. His last encounter had been two years ago, before Levi had even been in the picture. If he was honest, he hadn 't been interested in pursuing anyone else since Levi had first caught his attention, sobbing in his arms. Or had it started before that?

'Erwin, ' Levi said, reaching up to grip his arm. 'It 's okay. You lead, and I 'll follow you. Anywhere. '

The last word was delivered so earnestly that shivers ran down Erwin 's spine. 'Then I 'll come by in fifteen minutes and we can talk about this more. ' With a little nod, he turned, intending to return to his room to change.

His path brought him past the office, and he slowed, realizing there was one more thing he needed to do first.

I need to let go.

He shut the door behind him and lit the lamp, then picked up Henrik 's frame. He held it to his chest. His eyes closed as he tried to visualize Henrik standing in front of him for one last farewell.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn 't picture Henrik. He could see bits and pieces with perfect detail, but when he tried to put them together, the pieces swam in and out of focus, never binding together. Panicking, he realized that he couldn 't quite remember Henrik 's voice, or even the boisterous laugh that had first drawn his attention. Five years was a long time, especially with so much else on his mind.

His eyelids parted.

The memory has decayed, and I 'm desperately holding on to the husk left behind. I was so intent on grieving that I let the natural grieving process slip by me. How can he be at peace if I won 't let him fade away? Is he still a man to me, or have I reduced him to a concept, an excuse to feel sad?

Erwin took a deep, shaky breath, then opened the bottom drawer of his desk and set the frame inside it. The drawer closed. He felt a small wave of peace 'not closure yet, but it was a start.

Once he got back to his room, he pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms and an old cotton shirt, then brushed his teeth and combed his hair. By the time he was ready, his hands were shaking, the enormity of what he was about to do finally dawning on him.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he left the room and marched three doors down the hall to Levi 's new room.

He knocked.

The door opened, and Levi stared up at him, wearing loose-fitting pyjama pants.

The only pair of pyjamas he owns

, thought Erwin, remembering that paltry box of possessions. The dim lamplight cast the muscles and grooves of Levi 's torso into strong contrast: lean muscle, very little body fat. A perfect weapon of a man.

The door had barely closed behind them when Erwin caught Levi 's shoulders and pulled him in, arms wrapping around him in a hug. Once again, he marvelled at how small Levi was 'he only came up to chest height, and his shoulders and hips were narrow.

After a moment, Levi 's arms wrapped around him, so tightly that it was hard to breathe. Erwin hadn 't expected him to be too interested in hugs. Really, it was difficult to picture Levi enjoying any form of intimacy; he was so particular and easily disgusted that it seemed like the baser aspects of being human would be too messy or irritating for him.

Their bodies were flush, and the close contact was starting to arouse Erwin. He wondered if he should pull away before it became noticeable. All his previous romances had happened rather explosively, and he wasn 't certain about the proper etiquette for one that was supposed to move at a slow pace, even when he was the one who had requested it.

'It 's a good thing you had that bath, ' Levi said. 'I would have had a noseful of smelly, shitty armpit right now. '

'I suppose it is, ' Erwin said, amused by his crassness. Closing his eyes, he bowed down to bury his nose into the top of the dark hair, breathing in. Smelling his own soap there felt wrong; he would have to replace the lemon soap soon.

'You ' feel good, ' Levi said, sounding a bit awkward.

'So do you. I 've wanted to hold you like this ever since I found out you were missing. I didn 't think I 'd have the chance. '

There was a long pause.

'You 'd better not be screwing with my head again. ' Levi 's arms tightened. 'If you start spewing some crap about how we can 't be together ' '

Erwin gently gripped his chin and tilted it until their eyes met. 'I made you a promise, Levi. ' His thumb ran across the narrow bottom lip. 'I wasn 't going to act until I was sure. '

Slowly, carefully, he leaned down. Their lips grazed once, twice, then he pressed in closer. This time, their lips parted, but he kept the kiss shallow, softly inhaling the taste of Levi 's breath. Levi gave something close to a growl, and his hands curled into Erwin 's collar, fighting to pull him closer, but Erwin wasn 't ready to relinquish control just yet. Their tongues barely grazed, then he gradually, slowly began deepening the kiss.

His plan was to orchestrate every move, to keep the pace slow and controlled, but their tongues brushed again, and it felt so good that he began to lose himself. Their bodies pressed together, jaws widening, and Erwin 's tongue slid deep into Levi 's mouth. He felt Levi 's hands run down his back to his ass, where they massaged the muscle, urging him in closer. Hiding his arousal was impossible now, and it no longer seemed like a priority, anyway, so Erwin mirrored the motion, pulling Levi flat against him. The urge to grind was getting overwhelming, and he wasn 't sure he could fight it much longer. He was the one who had asked them to take it slowly, after all, but he couldn 't remember why.

He finally broke the kiss and pulled away, panting for air. Levi 's eyes were heavily lidded, his lips parted.

'Was that a better kiss than before, or still shitty? ' Erwin asked.

'Fuck. ' Levi tugged on his neck, drawing him down again.

This kiss was deep from the beginning, and this time, Erwin couldn 't hold back. He tilted his hips forward and back, just once, and warmth flooded his groin. He heard a catching breath, felt hands tighten into his ass.

Then Levi walked him backwards to the bed and shoved him onto the mattress, crawling over top of him, their lips sloppily finding each other again. Erwin 's palms slid up and down that bare, muscled back. They were both grinding now, and this was probably advancing far faster than it should, but he didn 't care, he just needed to feel that hard evidence that he was wanted, needed to feel it rubbing against his own.

Levi broke the kiss and began to lick down his chin, then throat, then across his neck. It felt so good, so good, it was almost too much. Overcome, Erwin suddenly rolled, pinning the small man beneath him, burying his face into the slender neck, paying him back with the same intensity. He found one particularly sensitive spot about an inch below the left jaw, and he buried himself into it, letting the damp skin slide between his teeth. Levi 's gasps started as curses, then devolved into incoherent noises, growing loud enough that Erwin finally pulled away. There were empty rooms on either side of them, but they shouldn 't take any chances.

They took a moment to steady themselves, both panting hard. Erwin pulled off his shirt and swiftly folded it into quarters, tossing it onto the desk beside them.

'Fuck. ' Levi 's palm slid up his stomach and chest. 'Fuck, look at you. ' His lips were swollen, his dark hair was mussed, and his face, normally so emotionless, was twisted into an expression somewhere between helplessness and pain.

Erwin leaned down to kiss his forehead. A faint layer of sweat was building on the pale skin, leaving his lips salty. 'You all right? '

'Shit, ' Levi breathed.

'I want to get you off. '

'Shit. ' Levi 's eyes closed. 'Okay, I ' Shit. '

Erwin went for an ear this time, his tongue tracing its grooves. His body rolled to one side as he began to run his palm down Levi 's chest, his stomach. He slid over the top of the pants, feeling the rigid shape beneath, and Levi threw his head back with a gasp.

He 's sensitive.

He had always pictured Levi being wild in bed, but not in such a vulnerable and expressive way.

Does he surrender this completely to everyone, or just to me?

Admiration swelled within him as he found Levi 's lips again. His fingers gently tugged at the fabric, and Levi gave a low groan into his mouth.

No longer patient enough to have the cloth barrier between them, Erwin slipped his hand under the waistband.

Skin met skin, and Levi gasped and tugged the waistband down his hips, out of the way. For a moment, Erwin lost composure, his eyes fluttering shut. He had forgotten how intimate this contact felt, how well it allowed him to read his partner.

'Wait. ' Levi reached out to stay his wrist. 'I want to jerk you off at the same time. '

Erwin froze. Why was it that the thought of touching Levi was comfortable, but the other way around felt too fast? Was it that he was too afraid to lose himself in front of anyone? Perhaps his grief was manifesting as control issues. He scoured his emotions, trying to make sense of them.

'Levi ' ' He trailed off, not sure what to say.

'Too much, too soon, huh? '

Frustration washed over him. 'It doesn 't make sense. I don 't understand my own logic. I don 't understand these arbitrary borders I 'm using to divide up intimacy. '

Levi studied him for a moment, then said quietly, 'Look, Erwin, whatever you 're feeling is what 's right, okay? It doesn 't have to make sense. '

'It 's not fair to you if I 'm putting inconsistent timelines on things. '

'It 's okay. ' Levi reached up to grip his shoulder. 'Don 't overthink this. I 'll speak up if I feel anything 's unfair. '

Taking a slow breath, Erwin let the words sink in. 'Thank you for your generous understanding. '

'Don 't be so formal. You 're grabbing my dick, not giving a speech to the brass. ' Levi pulled him down for another kiss. Already, his mouth was feeling familiar: narrow lips and tongue, small teeth with a couple gaps near the back. A groan rumbled between them.

Erwin 's hand began to move, setting into a gentle rhythm, and soon Levi fell back to the pillow. He was wearing that pained expression again, his hands clawing into the blanket. 'I 'm not going to last. '

'Good. ' Erwin kissed across to his ear, increasing the cadence of his hand. 'Let yourself go. I want you to come for me, Levi. '

'Holy shit. '

He felt as if he were rising with him. 'Come on, Levi: come for me. '

'Fuck! ' Levi arched, and Erwin pulled away to watch his face, contorted and strained and beautiful.

Then, slowly, Levi sank back to the bed, breathing hard, his face perfectly relaxed. Erwin stretched out beside him, delivering slow kisses to his jaw.

'Fuck, ' Levi said with a puff of air, as if he had been holding his breath. His eyes opened, and he propped himself onto an elbow. 'Think you could grab me a handkerchief? Not sure where your moving crew put them. '

Erwin looked down. He had tried to catch everything in his free hand, but some of it had spilled onto Levi 's stomach. It would have been tidier if he had just used his mouth. His groin throbbed at the idea.

He retrieved a handkerchief for each of them from the top dresser drawer. They were silent as they cleaned themselves; he tried not to be offended by the disgusted expression on Levi 's face. He had expected it, to some degree.

Clearing his throat, he stood, not sure how this exchange should end. 'You probably need your rest. '

Levi 's eyes were fixed between his legs. 'You sure you don 't want to get off? What if you jerked yourself off while I made out with you? '

Erwin 's knees weakened, and he was surprised by how badly he wanted that. 'I suppose that could be a good intermediary step. '

'Stop being so formal. Don 't you ever forget your manners? '

Suddenly bashful, Erwin 's cheeks glowed. He wasn 't accustomed to anyone speaking to him so bluntly, at least not in this context.

They shifted to lie side by side on the bed, studying each other. This was surreal, Levi 's eyes locked onto him, their hands slowly trailing across each other 's arms. Even his own shyness was foreign.

Maybe I was mortally wounded out in that field with Anke, and everything since has been a dying man 's dream.

Dream or not, he wanted it to continue. Trying to push past his shyness, he slipped his hand into his pants.

Levi watched him for a moment, as if sizing him up, then leaned forward to kiss his ear. Erwin felt his breath escape in a rush.

He 's a natural hunter, instinctively identifying his prey 's weak spot.

His muscles tensed.

'You like that? ' Levi traced the shape of his ear with his tongue.

Realizing he was holding his breath, Erwin sharply exhaled, but then a hand began to caress his chest, and he gasped.

Levi sat up, eyes trailing down his body. 'Look at you. Look how fucking hot you are. But still so quiet and polite. ' He bent in again, kissing across his neck to his throat, then down. Erwin closed his eyes, his fist moving faster as he felt Levi 's hands massage his chest and shoulders.

One particular spot felt so good that a short cry slipped from his lips, and the hands paused.

'I see. '

Then he felt damp warmth on a nipple, and for a split second, he was bewildered, but then heat flooded his body. His mind went white. He couldn 't tell if he was saying the words aloud, or just thinking them:

oh fuck, Levi, that feels so good, oh fuck, oh fuck '

'

That 's more like it, ' Levi said, his voice so low that it was almost a growl.

Erwin felt himself cresting, but he wasn 't ready to end this yet. He subtly slowed his pace, fighting to hang on.

Then he realized that Levi 's finger was tracing his bottom lip. Frenzied, he pulled it into his mouth. He heard Levi take in a sharp breath.

'Erwin ' '

'Don 't stop, ' he pleaded, his voice lisping around the finger.

Levi returned to licking his nipple, and Erwin pulled the finger deep into his throat, suckling it, wrapping his tongue around it. Levi gave a soft moan. The sound, combined with the stimulation on his tongue and his chest and between his legs, was too much to handle, and he was rising, he couldn 't fight it anymore. The finger fell from his mouth.

'Levi, ' he warned. 'Oh fuck ' '

He went under so hard that his back lifted off the bed, every muscle shuddering.

Slowly, he came back to himself.

He opened his eyes to see Levi hovering over him. Levi 's expression couldn 't quite be called a smirk, but one corner of his lips had lifted, just slightly. He reached down to smooth the hair off Erwin 's forehead.

'I don 't think I 've ever heard you say 'fuck ' before today, then you drop it about thirty times in the space of a minute. ' There was a twinkle in his eyes, as if he were proud.

Erwin pulled him in for a soft kiss. He was surprised by how natural this felt, basking in the afterglow with Levi at his side.

'Here. ' Levi handed him a clean handkerchief. 'Erwin ' ' The not-quite-a-smirk faded from his lips.

'Something on your mind, Levi? ' he asked, mopping up.

'Would you ' stay? '

'Stay? '

'Here. Tonight. With me. ' Levi 's cheeks darkened, and he shrugged, looking away. 'If you want. '

In this post-orgasm haze, Erwin felt like he would agree to anything Levi asked of him, but he tried to think about it logically. 'You don 't think it might be suspicious if I came out of your room in the morning? '

'It wouldn 't be hard to sneak you out without anyone seeing. But it 's just an idea. ' He shrugged again, the display of uncaring so exaggerated that Erwin understood how much it really meant to him.

'You 've convinced me. I 'll stay. ' He stole another kiss, then stood, pulling on his shirt. 'I should probably go wash my hands first. I 'll be back in a minute or two. ' He normally wouldn 't bother washing up until morning, but he felt the need to be cleaner than usual for the sake of his fastidious partner.

When he reached the men 's bath, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror: flushed cheeks, mussed hair, and an enormous grin.

'Subtle, ' he told his reflection, but the grin wouldn 't go away; instead, his blush deepened. He quickly washed his hands and face, then took a minute to rinse off his stomach while he was at it.

When he returned to the room, Levi was already in bed; he shifted over, leaving room. Erwin slipped under the covers. They laid on their backs, side-by-side.

'What the hell just happened? ' Levi asked, and Erwin gave a soft chuckle.

'I agree. This is surreal. '

'You still okay with this? ' The words were laced with insecurity.

The urge to smile finally faded from Erwin 's lips. He rolled onto his side so they could look each other in the eye. 'Levi, it won 't be easy to be with me. There will be a lot I won 't be able to tell you, and plans that must take priority over either of us. If our work ever comes into direct conflict with our personal relationship, the work will always win. Always. The titans must come first. '

'I know that. '

'I need to know one thing before we proceed. ' Erwin searched his eyes. 'Does this change anything? Are you going to be able to die if I order you to, or let me die if it 's necessary? '

Levi gave an irritated huff. 'This is the worst pillow talk I 've ever heard. '

'This is important, Levi. I need your answer. '

'Fine. But before I answer, I have a question for you: can you still order me to die? '

Erwin hesitated. He didn 't want to consider giving the order, but one day, he might have to. 'I would be reluctant, but my personal feelings won 't cloud my judgement. At the end of the day, we all must serve humanity above our own interests. Yes, I could order you to die, Levi, but I want you to understand: your death would haunt me more than any I have ever caused. ' Even though he said the words for Levi, there was no one who could possibly understand their true impact. No one knew just how deeply ghosts of the past had shaped him, how they had forged his life 's work. The words were the greatest compliment Erwin could give.

Maybe Levi didn 't know the specifics, but he seemed to register the importance of it: his eyes widened a little, then settled again. 'Yes, I 'll go to my death for you. '

'Even if things go badly between us? Even if I break your heart? '

'Fucking hell, Erwin. ' Levi huddled into the blanket. 'Yes, of course. Now would you shut up? This is a shitty way to cap off the evening. '

'I 'm sorry to be so dour, ' Erwin said, touched by his loyalty. 'I had to be sure. '

'Next time you 're going to talk about breaking my heart or asking me to die, can you at least wait until ' ' Levi paused. 'Never. '

'It won 't come up again. ' It began to dawn on him that he had potentially ruined the night with his poor timing. 'I 'm sorry, Levi. If you want me to leave ' '

'It 's fine. ' Levi rolled onto his side, turning his back. Erwin spooned up behind him, wrapping an arm around him, his hand flat against the centre of the muscular chest. He could feel his racing heartbeat in his palm.

So strong, so lively.

I came so close to losing this forever.

His throat tightened.

'Can I ask one more thing of you, Levi? '

A sigh. 'What? '

His voice cracked: 'Make sure this heart keeps beating. '

There was a pause, then a hand covered his, their fingers intertwining.