-9-

Passage

'You should dance with him, ' Hange said. 'At the gala. '

Levi was tempted to drop his end of the heavy trunk and force Hange to carry it alone. Instead, he effected his best glare. 'Think about how that would look. '

'It wouldn 't be that unusual. I 've seen men dancing with other men before. '

'Use your brain, idiot. I meant because he 's my Commander. I told you ' '

'Stairs coming up behind you. '

He turned his head to navigate. 'I told you, nothing 's going to happen between him and me, and I 'm fine with it, so drop it. ' His voice strained as he struggled down the steps toward the main gate, where a carriage 'and Erwin 'would await. He wasn 't sure what Erwin had packed to make the trunk so heavy, but he was beginning to regret offering to move it.

'You aren 't fine with it, ' Hange insisted, discussing the sensitive topic far too loudly. 'You two barely look at each other anymore. How can you carry on a professional relationship if you 're both pining, pent-up, and lonely? '

With an exaggerated sigh, Levi jerked the trunk forward.

Hange stumbled. 'That wasn 't nice. I 'm helping you carry this thing out of the kindness of my heart, even though it 's way too heavy for me. You should 've asked Mike for help if you were too grumpy to chat. '

'Mike 's getting last-minute orders from Erwin. ' While they were at the Capital, Squad Leaders Mike and Berit would be in charge. Levi predicted there would be a lot of drinking and slacking off; he hoped they wouldn 't return to find the barracks coated in vomit and filth.

'You have an overnight ride in a very private carriage ' ' began Hange.

'Look, just shut up, all right? It 's not going to happen. We 'll figure out our professional relationship and all that. Just give us time. ' He made a mental note that their attempts to act normally around each other weren 't convincing.

Maybe we were overcompensating and came off too cold.

They approached the carriage and dropped the trunk into the luggage hold. Levi had to admit that, just as Hange had said, the carriage would be private. It had proper doors, and curtains hung in the windows.

He shifted his stance, trying to vent nervous energy without betraying just how excited he was. He and Erwin hadn 't had the occasion to be together in private since the trip into town two days earlier. He had tried to visit Erwin late the previous night, but found him working with Berit to revise the training schedule for the new recruits. Though he tried his best to stay up and check again a few hours later, he had fallen into a dead sleep until morning.

At least this morning, they had managed to sneak in a few quick kisses after the weekly Squad Leader meeting. That 's when Erwin had informed him they were staying at a hotel near the ballroom instead of the Military Police barracks, sharing a single room.

'Won 't that make people suspicious? ' Levi had asked, confused.

'No, ' Erwin had replied. 'Shadis did the same on occasion with me and Anke. Everyone will just assume it 's for convenience reasons. '

'So is it? '

'Partly. ' His Commander had bent down to nibble his ear, making Levi 's pulse rise. 'Also, I promised you I would reward you for wearing a suit. '

'Oh. Didn 't you already do that the other day? '

'I didn 't get a chance to finish what I started. Not the way I wanted to, at least. '

'Still ended pretty fucking well. '

Erwin had given a low hum of agreement in his ear, then they had exchanged one last kiss and parted ways.

'Levi, ' Hange said, trying to attract his attention. 'You alright? '

He blinked, remembering where he was. 'Yeah. Go bug Mike or something. And tell Erwin to hurry his ass up. '

'You 're welcome for the help with the trunk. I 'm telling you, dance with him at least once. And watch your mouth around the nobles, shorty. ' Reaching over, Hange ruffled his hair.

' 'Shorty? ' What the hell? ' He ducked away, smoothing his hair back into place.

As Hange was leaving, Erwin entered the courtyard, flanked by Mike and Berit. He was still explaining something to them, a hand on each of their shoulders. Levi shifted his stance again, pulse rising at the sight of him.

Once the conversation ended, Erwin approached him. His smile was bright, gleaming in the late evening sun. 'Sorry to keep you waiting, Levi. Everything 's packed and ready to go? '

'Yeah. What the hell did you pack in that trunk? '

'Ammunition. '

Levi scrutinized him and, finding no tell on his face, said, 'Literally, or

'

? '

Erwin only smiled and began to walk toward the driver, but Levi wasn 't letting him off that easily. 'No, don 't be a mysterious asshole about this. I 've had bad luck with live rounds lately. '

'It 's not literally ammunition. You go ahead and get seated. ' Erwin nodded at him, then leaned closer to the driver and began to give instructions.

Warily, Levi opened the door and stepped into the carriage. His hair just barely skimmed the roof, and he struggled against a squeeze of claustrophobia. He wasn 't a good traveller 'not by carriage, at least. Memories lurked just below the surface, carefully repressed for more than a decade, and being boxed inside a carriage was too familiar, too confining.

He took a long breath and slowly released it. The grip around him lessened, and the memory sank into the depths of his mind where it belonged.

Feeling a bit more at ease, he inspected the interior. The benches were padded. Flaps on the doors flipped out between them to create two makeshift beds lengthwise along the carriage. The beds would be easily long enough for him, but Erwin might be a little cramped.

He dropped onto a bench and waited. A minute later, Erwin stepped into the carriage, closed the door and locked it. Levi felt a wave of panic, but took several slow breaths.

It 's okay. You 're in here with Erwin. You 're safe.

'

The driver has orders to travel straight through until morning. ' Erwin lit the lamp that jutted from the wall, then drew the curtains. 'If you need any rest stops, tug on the bell cord to alert him. I tucked some water canisters under the benches, as well as some dried fruit. ' He took off his jacket and hung it from a hook on the door.

Two days apart had sharpened Levi 's libido. He eyed Erwin 's uniform; he had seen the leather straps on hundreds of soldiers, but Erwin wore them better than anyone. His high-collared white shirt was neatly pressed, and it must have been tailored, because it fit his body perfectly, just tight enough to show the muscles of his chest and arms.

Levi pulled off his jacket, too, and hung it on a second hook. Erwin pulled the cord to ring the driver 's bell, and the carriage rumbled as it began to move. They sat on opposite benches, watching each other.

'So are you going to tell me about this heavy-as-shit 'ammunition ' you had me lug downstairs? ' he asked.

Erwin pulled off his boots. The leather had a tendency to develop peculiar odours, but to Levi 's relief, Erwin 's feet didn 't seem to smell.

He takes good care of his uniform.

'

Erwin? ' he prodded.

'One of the King 's tax chests. '

'What? ' The chests they had retrieved from the silo had all been sent to the King in a shipment two days prior, or so Levi thought. 'Are you keeping it? '

'I 'm just hanging on to it for now, waiting to see who kicks up a fuss about it. Someone knew that money was there, and that someone will notice it missing. I have plans for it once we reach the Capital. '

'So you 're pissing someone off until they get angry enough to come after you. '

Erwin smiled. 'It isn 't elegant, I admit. It 's only one facet of the plan. According to Shadis, the suggestion to visit this particular silo came from Captain Nile Dok of the Military Police. I expect to see him at this gala, and I 'm going to question him. '

'You mean interrogate him? ' Levi asked, remembering his conversation with Hange when they were stuck in the tree:

I hear he used to pull strings for Shadis ' Mike thinks it was through blackmail and threats. Maybe even torture.

'

No, I plan to ply him with liquor and get him talking. We were good friends once. I 'm sure it won 't take much persuasion to reconnect. ' Erwin 's eyes lost focus, his face distant, and Levi was surprised to feel jealousy burning in his chest.

'How close were you two, exactly? '

The blue eyes fixed on him. 'Once upon a time, we were like brothers, but it must have been a friendship of convenience, because when we went our separate ways, we lost touch. '

Levi wondered if he and Erwin qualified as a friendship of convenience, or if this connection between them ran deeper than that. They certainly had different personalities and backgrounds, and he wasn 't sure they would have become friends in any other context. If they were separated for a long period of time, would their connection persist? He didn 't want to find out.

Casually, he stood, made his way across the swaying carriage, and flopped to a seat next to him. Levi removed his boots, then stood them neatly in the corner, getting comfortable.

Erwin draped a hand across his shoulders and pulled him in close. 'There are other aspects of this business with Nile, as well as the gala itself, that I 'd like to discuss with you, but we have another twelve hours of travel to go over the details, and there 's more pressing business to attend to. '

'Like what? ' Levi asked, turning to look at him.

'Like the fact that it 's been two full days since we had some privacy. ' Erwin trailed his fingertips along Levi 's jaw, and then, without warning, lunged, his mouth covering Levi 's.

Levi let out a low groan, his eyes fluttering closed. A persistent tongue slid between his lips until they parted, then plunged deep into his mouth as a hand began to move up his thigh.

This level of aggression was unexpected, especially after Erwin 's breakdown last time they were alone. Gasping for air, Levi pulled back. 'You 're grabby today. '

'Is it too much? ' His eyelids were heavy. 'I can 't stop thinking about how you felt in my mouth. I came to your room last night intending to service you, but you were already asleep, and it was too late to wake you. '

Levi 's brain froze somewhere between the titillation of the image and the awkwardness of the term 'service ', and the hand advancing up his leg wasn 't helping him focus. Struggling for words, he said, 'Wake me next time. Screw sleep. Your mouth is better. '

'Noted for the future. ' Erwin 's roving hand settled firmly between his legs, thumb running circles over the fabric.

Trying to keep pace, Levi 's hand went straight for Erwin 's groin, and his breath caught when he discovered how aroused he was. 'Holy fuck, Erwin. '

'I haven 't had time to take care of myself since we met last. ' He grabbed Levi 's arm and half-pulled, half-lifted him toward his lap.

Happy to oblige, Levi straddled him. 'No time? It takes a minute or two, doesn 't it? '

'I 've been distracted. ' Erwin grabbed Levi 's hips and clamped him down, grinding hard.

Levi tossed his head back. Even fully-clothed, it felt good to rub against each other like this. He felt lips on his neck, then by his ear.

'What about you, Levi? '

The friction building between his legs, at once pleasurable and chafing, was so distracting that it was difficult to form words. 'What about me? '

'How many times since we last met? ' There was a desperate edge to the deep voice.

'None of your business, you pervert, ' Levi said, testing him. Erwin 's fingers curled into his hips, so hard that Levi expected them to leave bruises. 'Ah, so you

do

like it when I insult you, don 't you, you creep? Four. Four times. '

'Four times, ' Erwin repeated. His grip still strong, he swapped places with Levi, pushing him to a seat on the bench and kneeling between his legs. When he looked up, his blue eyes had the same sharpness Levi remembered from their last encounter. 'Were you thinking about me? '

'Yeah. I almost always do. '

Erwin lifted the skirt of Levi 's uniform, unbuckled the straps in his way, then began to undo the fly. 'What was I doing in this fantasy? '

Levi hesitated. 'Erwin ' '

'If you 're willing. I want to learn more about what you like, and ' ' The blue eyes fixed on him again, showing a hint of vulnerability this time. 'Hearing your voice will remind me that you 're you. '

'Oh. ' That made sense. It was important to stave off any accidental flashbacks to Henrik, and it wasn 't like Erwin could keep eye contact the entire time from that position 'not easily, at least.

Erwin tugged his underwear out of the way, then carefully wrapped his fingers around him. Levi took a breath through clenched teeth, startled by the contrast of warm skin and the cool evening air. Their eyes locked as his Commander took him into his mouth.

'Oh shit, ' Levi whispered, transfixed by the sight. He could feel Erwin 's tongue working around him.

Erwin pulled back to say, 'Keep talking, ' then reclaimed him.

'Shit. ' Levi tenderly ran his knuckles along one of the angular cheekbones, impressed by his skill. His mind was swimming, and he struggled to bring it into focus. Recalling fantasies wasn 't difficult, because they were almost always the same. 'I picture me walking in on you touching yourself, sometimes in your office ' '

Erwin trailed his tongue to the tip, then pulled away to say, 'Pick a specific fantasy and tell me in detail. '

'Okay ' Ah, fuck! ' His eyes squeezed shut and he bent forward, his fingers clawing into Erwin 's hair. 'Your mouth is so warm. '

Erwin hummed his approval, the sound reverberating through Levi and sitting in his abdomen, glowing with heat.

'I ' ' He forced his eyes open and saw Erwin looking up at him, mouth and hands still working. 'Fuck, that 's hot. That 's how you looked at me, right there. When I came into your office. You were wearing your harness, your boots, your pendant and nothing else, and ' ' He shuddered as he felt Erwin take him deep into his throat. The rattle of the carriage vibrated through him, adding texture to the stimulation. 'Oh shit, Erwin, I can 't ' '

He pulled away again. 'What did we do? ' He reached out to grab Levi 's wrist and kissed the back of his hand, and then Levi 's finger was inside his mouth, a hot tongue swirling around it.

'You fucking tease. ' Levi gave a low, frustrated groan. 'You were lying on the desk jerking off, your ass hanging over the end, and your legs spread when you saw that I was there. ' His sentence ended in a sharp breath as Erwin bent down and engulfed him again, but this time, Levi 's finger was still in his mouth. Now he could feel everything with his fingertip as it happened: the thrusting motion, the slippery skin, the tongue working with so much enthusiasm. It was too much stimulation, too much information to process. Levi 's eyes closed, his breaths coming hard and quick.

'I started fucking you, ' he managed. 'I started fucking you so hard, and you were yelling my name. '

The tongue stopped moving for a moment, the mouth still.

Levi cried out and began to thrust, desperate for the stimulation to continue. A moment later, Erwin began to move again, and Levi yanked his hand free of his mouth.

'Erwin, ' he warned. 'I 'm ' ' He couldn 't finish the sentence. He vaguely heard himself yell, felt the vibration of Erwin 's encouraging moans, and he doubled over, overcome. When he at last was able to open his eyes, sparks danced in his vision.

Erwin tucked him carefully back into his underwear and did up his fly, tugging the skirt back into place. He was carefully avoiding looking up, and Levi 's glow dimmed.

Is he having bad memories again?

His mind paced through the past few minutes, trying to figure out what could have upset him. His heart sank as he remembered the exact moment when Erwin had hesitated.

Shit.

'

You okay? '

Erwin sat on the bench beside him. 'Of course. ' There was an intake of breath, as if he were about to speak, but nothing followed.

'You didn 't think I 'd want to fuck you, ' Levi said flatly. 'Right? You thought I 'd want to be fucked

by

you. '

There was a pause. 'It doesn 't change anything. '

'You and Henrik, who did the ' '

'Usually me. Not always, but usually. It doesn 't matter. ' Erwin glanced at him. 'It 's fine, just unexpected. '

Defensiveness rose in Levi 's throat, pinching his voice: 'Unexpected because I 'm small, right? Everyone expects the short man to take it. '

'No, because you 're obsessed with cleanliness. I didn 't think you would be interested in putting a part of yourself into a potentially unclean area of the body. ' Erwin 's cheeks were dark, and he shifted, looking uncomfortable.

'No, I 'm obsessed with

being

clean, so I don 't want someone else to be inside my ' Look, it doesn 't matter. ' Levi twisted to look up at Erwin and searched his eyes, looking for a hint of discomfort. He didn 't find any, but that didn 't mean it wasn 't there. 'Does this fuck things up? '

'No, ' Erwin said earnestly. 'It 's fine. All I care about is that I can physically express the way I feel about you 'the method doesn 't matter. '

'The way you feel about me? ' Levi asked, curious how, exactly, he would define it.

Erwin 's face turned an even darker shade of red; he cleared his throat and looked away.

Say it

, thought Levi, but it was probably too soon. This was all too new. He wasn 't sure how to put it into words yet, himself, but he could put it into action. He could show his gratitude that Erwin was so considerate, so flexible.

He dropped to the floor, kneeling between Erwin 's legs.

'I 'm going to touch you, ' he announced, looking up for any hint of hesitation on Erwin 's face. 'Stop me if you need to. Remember to keep your eyes on me. ' He lifted the skirt and undid the straps and buttons. For a moment, he grazed the hard length with his fingertips. He had never had the opportunity to look at him before, not this close.

'See what you do to me? ' Erwin asked quietly.

He did, and the sight of it was making his feral side rise. He licked his palm to dampen it in preparation, holding eye contact, playing up the lewdness of the gesture.

Erwin 's throat bobbed. 'You 're much more vulgar in bed than I imagined. ' It was delivered as a compliment, and Levi felt his ears warm.

'So what did you imagine? ' he asked, reaching forward to grip him.

'I don 't know, exactly ' ' The words disintegrated into a low groan as Levi began to tease him with an exaggerated milking motion.

'Not easy to talk while this is happening, is it? ' Levi leaned closer, letting his breath slide across the tip, but not touching it with his mouth. Not without permission. 'Tell me one of your fantasies, Erwin. '

'Levi ' '

'Be specific. ' His grip began to move with purpose.

'Fucking you in an alleyway, ' Erwin gasped. 'The other day, I wanted to fuck you in the alleyway. '

It was still strange to hear him swear so openly, and Levi was tempted to press it by teasing him some more. He released him, his fingertips slowly trailing the length. 'Do you like to fuck hard, Erwin? Or slow? '

'Slowly at first, then

'

' He let out a groan as Levi 's fingertip traced circles around him, and his head began to loll.

'Hey, none of that. ' Levi gripped his chin and tilted it, forcing Erwin to look down at him. 'You have to look at me, remember? '

The blue eyes were glazed. 'Use your mouth. '

A pleasant shock spiked through Levi 's body. 'You 're sure? '

'I need your mouth. '

Eagerly, Levi leaned forward, closing the distance between them. The second his tongue touched skin, he forgot about keeping Erwin talking, or making him swear, or everything except that taste, that glowing heat against his tongue. He knew he should be putting in effort to make this moment special 'this was probably the first mouth around him since Henrik died 'but Levi felt hurried, like lingering would give Erwin time to second-guess everything. He moved aggressively, using his hand, encouraged by the rumbling groans he heard above him.

Then Erwin gasped his name, and blood rushed to Levi 's head.

That 's it. Let go,

he thought, dizzy. The name repeated, then again, then began to alternate with

oh fuck

, a rhythmic chant that matched his breaths, rising in pitch.

Levi chanced a look up, and the strain he saw on the face was so beautiful, the skin glowing pink, the sharp angles smoothed by the squinted eyes and clenched jaw. Their eyes locked.

Erwin cried out, his head tossing back to expose his beautiful throat.

This is where Levi would usually pull away, but he forced himself to ignore his revulsion, because if Erwin was going to make sexual compromises to be together, then so would he. He was surprised by how easy it was to stay with him until the end, by how close to Erwin it made him feel, as if he were carrying him through it instead of just being a passive observer.

The last cry faded from Erwin 's lips, and his head fell forward, eyes closed.

So beautiful,

thought Levi, overwhelmed, as he finally broke away.

The blond eyelashes parted, and a hand reached for Levi 's jaw, tracing it with a feather-light touch. Feeling a little emotional, Levi swallowed hard; he saw Erwin do the same.

'I need to kiss you, ' Erwin said, hoarse.

'My breath ' '

'I don 't care. '

Levi stood and leaned forward, their lips touching. There was no hunger in this kiss, just softness. He could taste himself on Erwin, and surely the reverse was true, but that didn 't matter, nothing mattered but this man and his gentle lips.

When Levi pulled away, their gaze held. Erwin was looking at him with wonder, his eyes glassy.

I 've fallen too hard,

thought Levi

. I 'm lost. I knew you would show me freedom, but not like this.

It had never hit him this early, never this hard.

He leaned forward for another kiss, his heart soaring.

I love you.

Erwin sat on the makeshift bed with his legs extended in front of him. Levi 's head was on his lap, stretched out perpendicular to him along the bench. Erwin combed the dark hair, enjoying the comfortable silence between them. There were still plans to discuss, but the post-orgasm haze was taking a while to leave his body. He wasn 't sure what had left him the most dazed: the feeling of Levi 's mouth, or the way he had looked up at him when it was all over. Smiling, he trailed his knuckles behind Erwin 's ear.

'What are you grinning about? ' Levi asked.

'Just enjoying this shared moment of peace. '

'Speaking of things you enjoy ' ' Levi 's eyes fixed on him. 'Why do you like it so much when I insult you? '

'What? '

'When we 're fooling around. You get turned on by me insulting you. '

'I don 't know that I necessarily ' ' Heat rose to Erwin 's cheeks as he reconsidered his own words. Levi 's observation wasn 't wrong. 'There 's a certain coarseness to your character that I find appealing, and maybe a degree of challenge. ' Too embarrassed to analyse himself any further, he cleared his throat. 'We have some business to discuss. '

Levi 's brows dropped. 'Really? Now? '

'It can wait a little while if you 'd like to lay here for a bit longer. '

'If I do, I 'll fall asleep. ' Levi gave an abrupt sigh and sat up. 'Feels like I 've done nothing but work since I got promoted. '

'I hope that doesn 't include the last half hour or so, ' Erwin said lightly. 'I 'm afraid it 's all part of being a Squad Leader. Work will be even more time-consuming when you 're a Captain. '

'Can 't you just give me a team and point me at things that need killing? '

'That 's not how the system works. '

'Well, maybe instead of trying to make me fit the system, you should make the system fit me. '

Erwin knew he was just being difficult, but on some level, the words made sense. Everything about Levi was unconventional, from his training to his history with the Corps. Was forcing him into a conventional role really the best way to benefit humanity?

'Let 's put that aside for now, ' he said, making a mental note to think about it later. 'I want to talk to you about how our time in the Capital is going to play out. '

He began to relay their timetable. The carriage would pull up to their hotel around eight in the morning, giving them time to settle in and unwind after their journey. At noon, they would take their lunch at a restaurant opposite the Military Police barracks.

'Why so far out of the way? ' Levi asked. 'Aren 't there restaurants by the hotel? '

'There are, ' Erwin said, 'but we will have another task while we 're there. I 'll get to that in a moment. '

After lunch, they would return to the room and dress in their uniforms. Commander-in-Chief Zackly would swear in Erwin at the courthouse. After that, they would return to the hotel to change into their formal wear, then head to the ballroom for the dinner and gala.

Levi gave a loud 'tsk ' and slumped into the corner, arms folding over his chest. 'How long do I have to stay at the gala? '

'Long enough to be noticed. '

'Meaning ' ? '

'Meaning I may have a mission for you. ' Erwin shifted to face him. 'While we 're at lunch, we 're going to scope out the exterior of the Military Police barracks. If my discussions with Nile at the gala make me suspicious that he had ulterior motives when he gave us the information about the silo, I 'm going to ask you to retrieve the documents he used to determine which silo we should target. '

Levi 's eyes widened. 'You want me to break into the office of the Captain of the Military Police? '

'A tall order, I know. I can show you which window is his, and give you information about the layout of the building. I may be able to obtain blueprints ' '

'I don 't need blueprints, ' Levi said flatly. 'What happens if I 'm caught? '

Why wouldn 't he need blueprints?

thought Erwin, but he decided not to press it. 'This can 't be traced back to me, or it would reflect poorly on the entire Corps. You can 't get caught. '

They eyed each other for a moment.

'I get it, ' Levi said, looking away. 'If I get caught, we play it off like I returned to my underhanded, criminal ways, and it had nothing to do with you. Would you like me to steal some silver while I 'm at it to add to my cover? '

Erwin sighed, the snarky tone not lost on him. 'I wouldn 't ask this of you if I had options, Levi, but you 're the only person I trust to do this task, should it be required. You 've thwarted the Military Police hundreds of times before, and your speed and specific skill set are assets for this mission. The Military Police are going to become increasingly useful to our operations, and we need to know if Nile will be an ally. Will you do it? '

'Shit. ' Levi shook his head. 'Yes, of course I 'll do it. But if they catch me and execute me, I 'm going to haunt you for the rest of your shitty life. '

'I won 't let them execute you. Believe me, Levi: so long as I 'm still breathing, you will never be executed. ' The words were a little too strong, too honest, so he buried them: 'We 'll be paying a visit to Nile the next morning to put my 'ammunition ' into play, so you can slip the file back into place then. He 'll never know it was gone. '

For a few minutes, the only sound was the rattle of the carriage. Levi looked up at him. 'Aren 't you and Nile close friends? Can 't you just be up-front with him about all this? '

Erwin shrugged. 'I need to verify that he 's still trustworthy. '

'Is this how you 'trust ' people? Testing them? Sneaking around behind their backs? '

Their gaze held. Levi looked almost insulted, and Erwin, for all his ability to read people and situations, couldn 't fathom what was on his mind. 'I trust when evidence supports it. The fate of humanity can 't rely on sentiment alone. '

'I hear you have a file on Hange. '

'I have a file on everyone. '

'Even me? ' Levi asked, the insult deepening on his face: creased brows, pinched mouth.

Erwin hesitated.

'Be honest with me. ' Levi leaned forward. 'Have you been testing me? Are you researching me behind my back? '

'No. Your file is nearly empty, Levi. ' He took a slow breath, trying to word his feelings in a way that was at once sincere, but not too imposing so early in their relationship. 'I trust you unequivocally. '

'Why? '

'Because you 've already tried to betray me, once upon a time, and you couldn 't go through with it. And ' ' He slid a hand along the bench, palm up: an offering. 'I see the way you look at me with absolute trust in your eyes. I see the way you follow me into battle, the way you accept missions and requests with a combination of careful questioning and faith in my reasoning. I believe you would follow me into hell if I asked you, but only if you, yourself, agreed that was necessary. Blind trust can be turned, but your brand of trust, deep and considerate, is unmovable. '

Levi stared at his hand for a moment, then reached out, his hand closing over it. 'You 'd better not ask me to follow you into hell. '

'One day, I might have to. I may even have to send you ahead of me, if the situation requires it. '

'You 're fucking morbid, ' Levi said. 'You know that? '

'So I 've heard. ' Erwin 's thumb slid across the back of the slender hand. 'Our war is never far from my mind. '

'I guess that 's a good thing for the rest of us. ' Their hands rotated, fingers interlacing, and Levi visibly shivered. 'This is stupid. '

'What? '

'The way I get goosebumps from just touching your big dumb hand. '

' 'Big dumb hand, ' ' Erwin repeated, amused by his insistence on sounding tough even when they had privacy. 'I don 't think that 's how you would have described it about fifteen minutes ago. '

Levi 's cheeks turned crimson, and he pulled away. 'Big dumb

sticky

hand. '

Erwin tried not to be offended, but his body was still sensitive, inside and out, from his orgasm. 'Why is my hand the sticky one? You were licking your hand and grabbing me. '

Now Levi lifted his own hand to examine it, nose wrinkled. He rummaged through his pocket and pulled out a folded white handkerchief, then proceeded to rub his palms with it.

Erwin watched, face grim. This was the fastidious, paranoid behaviour he had expected when they had first started becoming intimate, and he wondered why it had taken so many days to surface.

Why now? Something must be bothering him.

Was it the new mission, or the gala itself, or the morbid discussion? His stomach twisted with guilt.

'You okay? ' he asked quietly.

Levi shrugged, still scrubbing at his hand. 'I just want it to be this time tomorrow, so this bullshit will be over with. '

'I 'm sorry to drag you to this gala, Levi. I will spend some time rethinking what your role as Captain will entail, but you should know that some level of formality and socializing will be a requirement. '

'I know. I understood that climbing the ranks would involve bullshit. ' Levi shook his handkerchief over the ground, as if shaking out imaginary dirt, then folded it and put it neatly in his pocket. 'And speaking of bullshit, I asked Mike about what you were like when you were a trainee. '

'Oh? ' The change of topic was so abrupt that Erwin 's brows rose. He wasn 't about to force the uncomfortable conversation to continue, however, so he followed Levi 's train of thought. 'And what did he have to say? '

'He said you were short for a while, yeah, but he laughed at the idea of you being awkward like you claim. Said you were charismatic and well-spoken. '

'Sounds like he 's remembering incorrectly, ' Erwin said.

Levi leaned back against the wall, loosely gathering his knees in his elbows. 'He said you used to piss off him, Nile and Anke by attracting all the ladies whenever you went out to the bar in a group. '

'It wasn 't intentional. I was usually in the corner with a book until I got drunk enough to have any interest in socializing. ' He smiled to himself, his training days far enough behind him now that they were cloaked with nostalgia. 'It 's a good thing you didn 't know me back then, Levi, or you would have loathed me. Once I got a bit of drink in me, I was an arrogant little bastard. Used to calmly provoke arguments and watch the chaos unfold, that sort of thing. Sometimes I would subtly pit Nile and Mike against each other so I could play myself off as the calm mediator type and impress their dates. Usually got away with it, but not always. This isn 't the first black eye Mike has given me. '

Levi shook his head, something approaching a smirk playing on his lips. 'So by 'awkward ', you meant you were an asshole. '

Erwin chuckled. 'Perhaps. ' His smile faded and, deciding to take a risk, he said, 'What about you, Levi? '

'What about me? '

'What were you like when you were younger? '

Levi looked down and shrugged. 'Short and miserable. So, pretty much the same. '

'Are you miserable? ' Erwin asked, his stomach dropping. He had suspected Levi wasn 't a happy person, but 'miserable ' was a strong word.

'Maybe. ' Levi folded his arms over his chest. 'Humanity 's trapped in a festering hell-hole, and it feels like we lose more ground every day. Most of my friends are dead, and my colleagues are dying left and right. Aren 't we all miserable? '

Erwin didn 't respond. Now that he took a minute to consider his feelings, he realized that misery wasn 't among them. As sick of it was, part of him liked the challenge of fighting against the titans: it gave his life meaning.

People are dying, and I have the nerve to enjoy the struggle? Maybe I 'm still an arrogant bastard after all.

'

It 's not always bad, ' Levi. continued 'I feel hope when I 'm cutting through titan flesh. And ' ' His gaze drifted up to meet Erwin 's. 'When I 'm with you. '

Swallowing hard, Erwin shifted along the bench, reached over and pulled him into an embrace. He closed his eyes, burying his nose in the dark hair.

Levi leaned into him. 'Are you smelling me again? It 's like I 'm cuddling with Mike. '

'You smell clean. ' Erwin breathed in again, not caring how odd it might seem. 'Forgive my sentimentality, Levi. It hurts me to think of you being miserable, and to hear that I can help stave that off, even a little ' ' His arms tightened. 'I feel considerable guilt about dragging you into this miserable lifestyle. I never thought I might be helping you endure it. '

'Don 't feel guilty. My life was even worse before. I didn 't even realize how miserable it was, how important petty things had become. ' Levi nuzzled under his chin. 'I was always angry, but I didn 't understand why. I had no purpose, no meaning except to try to escape my shitty past. '

This was the closest he had come to acknowledging whatever had come after his aunt and before his rise to a position of power in the Underground, and Erwin didn 't dare move, afraid that even the slightest muscle twitch would frighten Levi away like a startled bird. He held his breath, waiting.

'When I first struck out on my own, ' Levi continued, his voice low and cracking, 'I kept trying to cram happiness into my life however I could. I slept around, drank too much, tried anything that would give me a bit of a rush. I was a fucking wreck, a filthy, sad little wreck, and none of it helped. Took me a few years to wake up and start straightening out my shit, but even when I started taking better care of myself, I still had no purpose.

'That got better after I met you. The Survey Corps gives me purpose. Order. And ' ' There was a pause. 'Erwin, I spent most of my life starved for respect, and you 're the first person

who gave it to me not because of violence, but because of who I am

. I had no idea how good that would feel. ' His eyes narrowed. 'Some people went so far as to try to strip my own self-respect, tried to whittle me down to nothing. '

There was a long pause. Erwin said quietly, 'I can 't have been the first who respected you. What about your friends who joined the Corps with you? '

'They respected me because they had to. I was older than them, and more established than them when we met ' ' The words halted, and Levi was silent.

'I 'm sorry, ' Erwin said, understanding that their deaths were still fresh in his mind. Sometimes he was so wrapped up in his own trauma that he forgot just how much Levi had endured. He had impressive resilience, weathering tragedies that would have broken anyone else.

Humanity 's Strongest, indeed.

The thought reminded him of another topic to discuss. 'Levi, there 's something I should warn you about before we get to the Capital: it seems you 're becoming something of a celebrity. '

There was a long pause. 'What? '

'Shadis said many of the new trainees knew your name, and they 're calling you Humanity 's Strongest. You 're becoming a hero: a man who came from nothing, who 's as strong as an entire squad. You 're giving people hope. '

Levi let out a dismissive scoff and pulled away. 'Those brats don 't know a thing about me. I 'm not a fucking hero. ' His eyes were glassy. 'I need to go to sleep. '

'Very well. ' Erwin studied him, sensing an abrupt mood shift. 'Do you need the carriage to make a stop before we rest? '

'No, I 'm good. Never been a fan of shitting in the woods anyway. ' Levi stood and, bracing himself against the ceiling, dimmed the lamp. He pulled a blanket and pillow out of a compartment near the back of the carriage, then sniffed them. Satisfied, he tossed them to Erwin. 'A bit musty, but I can still smell soap on them, so they should be clean. '

'Good. ' Erwin laid out the pillow and blanket, then stretched out, rolling onto his side. 'I think there 's enough room here if you want to sleep on this side with me. '

Levi eyed the panel, wary. 'Can that thing support both of us? '

'It 's sturdy. ' He lifted up the covers as an invitation.

Levi crawled into place. The fit was tight, but so long as they spooned, they had enough room. Erwin pulled the smaller man tightly against him, then kissed his temple.

'Comfortable enough? ' he asked.

'It 'll do. ' Levi yawned.

'We just need to weather it for tonight. We 'll share a real bed tomorrow night. ' Erwin settled into the pillow, debating whether or not he should ask the question on his mind. He didn 't want to push Levi too hard when his mood was shifting, but the question seemed inoffensive enough. 'Can I ask you a question, Levi? '

'Sure. '

'When did you list me as your next of kin? '

'Oh. ' Levi shrugged, as if it were no big deal. 'When we got back to the base after my friends died. '

'That soon? ' He had expected it would have been after the next expedition, the one that had made Levi break down in his office. 'I thought you still hated me at that point. '

'I didn 't have anyone else to name. And like I said, you were the first person who ever freely gave me their respect, so I respected you back. Besides, it 's not like I had anything important to my name. I 've left everything behind, so many times. '

Erwin thought of the little box of possessions, of the way Levi gave away most of his salary to help a friend 's sister. His fingers curled into the fabric over Levi 's chest.

I 'll make him my next of kin when we get home. He can put my possessions to better use than anyone else.

'

I 'm sorry, Levi, ' he said quietly. 'You 've endured so much in your life, and received so little in return. '

There was a silence so long that Erwin thought he had fallen asleep, but then Levi 's hand tightened around his. 'Tell me everything 's going to be okay. '

His voice sounded so frail that Erwin 's stomach twisted. 'I don 't understand. '

'Tell me everything 's going to be okay. I 'll believe you. Just tell me. '

'Levi, what 's wrong? You 're shaking. '

'I shouldn 't have started thinking about the person I used to be. Now I can 't stop remembering. ' Levi 's voice was small and tight. 'Look, I 'm not good with being boxed into a carriage like this. '

'Do you need to step outside? Would it help to talk through it? '

'No, just ' tell me. '

Erwin wasn 't sure how to respond. He couldn 't say everything was going to be okay, not truthfully. He had best guesses about how the future would play out, insight based on patterns, information and human nature. What lay ahead for them was only strife. Change could not happen without great sacrifice.

But that wasn 't what Levi needed to hear. He nuzzled the back of Levi 's neck. 'Your past can 't hurt you here, Levi, and whatever our future holds, we 'll face it together. ' It was the best he could promise.

Levi snuggled back against him and was quiet, but he was still trembling. Concerned, Erwin held him close, hoping his presence would make Levi feel safe until they fell asleep.

A sharp moan startled Erwin awake.

Levi was twitching violently in front of him, whimpering under his breath. Nightmares. Such things were commonplace in the Corps, but Erwin had never been sure of the best way to deal with them. If he woke Levi now, it might disorient him. He tried to hold off, but each whimper and cry jolted through him, and eventually, he couldn 't stand it anymore.

This is my fault. I started him talking about his past, and now he 's suffering.

He sat up and smoothed hair from the damp forehead. 'Levi. It 's just a dream. '

Levi 's eyes snapped open.

Then Erwin was hurtling toward the floor; his back hit hard enough to knock the air from his lungs. He gasped, stars swimming in his vision.

Levi barrelled at him, pinned him down, eyes and lips flared, tears streaming down his cheeks.

'Levi, ' Erwin ' wheezed, too scattered to process what was happening. Cold steel pressed against his throat.

'Fuck you, ' Levi screamed. 'Tell me why I shouldn 't slit your throat right now, you fucking psychopath! '

'Levi. ' He struggled to regain his breath. 'Levi, it 's me, Erwin. '

Slowly, Levi 's face shifted to recognition, then to horror. He staggered back. His knife clattered to the floor.

Erwin sat up and hunched forward, trying to suck air into his lungs.

'Stop the carriage, ' Levi said, his voice shaking.

'Levi ' '

'Stop the carriage! '

Erwin struggled to his feet and pulled the cord to ring the driver 's bell. When he turned back to Levi, he found him scrabbling at the door. The carriage slowed, then stopped. Levi tore open the door and staggered into the darkness, then dropped to his knees.

The driver stepped into view, staring at Levi for a moment before he poked his head through the doorway. 'Everything okay, Commander? '

'A little motion sickness, that 's all. He 'll be fine in a minute. I 'll let you know when we 're ready to depart. '

'Sir. ' The driver bobbed his hat, gave one last wary glance at Levi, then left.

Erwin rubbed his trachea with one hand and picked up the fallen knife with the other. When he tilted the knife, using it as a mirror, he saw that the skin on his neck was intact. He let out a small sigh of relief.

Levi 's boots were scattered in the corner; he must have flown at them to retrieve his knife and then tackled him.

He moved so fast that I didn 't stand a chance.

Erwin returned the knife to the secret compartment in the right boot, then set them neatly upright. On his way to the door, he grabbed a blanket and pulled on his boots.

When he stepped outside, Levi was still on his knees, facing away, his back shaking. The night air was chilly, the sky above them clear and speckled with stars. They were between towns, overlooking a meadow, and the view could have been romantic under different circumstances. Erwin stepped into the brush, and a twig snapped under his feet.

Levi sniffled. 'Go away. '

'I shouldn 't have gotten you talking about your past, ' Erwin said quietly. 'Especially when you were already under so much stress. I should have known it would kick up bad memories. '

He heard another sniffle.

'Come back to the carriage, Levi. ' Erwin stood behind him and draped the blanket over his hunched form.

'I attacked you. '

'You were just disoriented because I woke you up in the middle of a nightmare. It 's okay. ' It wasn 't as okay as he was pretending. His hands were shaking. Seeing that much raw hatred on the face of someone he trusted had been the most terrifying situation he had faced in years.

'Don 't look at me, ' Levi said without turning around. 'Please, just ' I need a minute. '

'I 'll be waiting for you when you 're ready. ' Erwin returned to the carriage and sat on the bed. With nothing left to do but wait, no actions to distract him, his emotions finally crashed down on him. He leaned over the side of the bed, raking his hands into his hair.

He didn 't mean to attack you. He was dreaming

, he told himself, over and over. To keep himself occupied, he tried to analyse the words Levi had screamed, tried to deduce information about his mysterious past, but he was too shaken.

A good ten or fifteen minutes passed before Levi returned. His eyes were downcast, his skin pale and sweaty. Without looking up, he closed the door, locked the second bed into place, and dropped onto it.

'Did I hurt you? ' His voice was hollow.

'I 'm fine. You just knocked the wind out of me a bit, that 's all. ' Erwin pulled the cord to signal the driver to continue on his route. 'Are you okay? '

Levi shrugged, still not looking up. His shins were coated with mud, but he didn 't seem to care, and the uncharacteristic disregard for his cleanliness broke Erwin 's heart.

'Do you still need space? ' he asked gently.

Levi shrugged again, and Erwin interpreted it as a request. He sat beside Levi and gently rested a hand on his knee.

'You still have my patience and my respect, ' Erwin said, using the same words Levi had given him during his breakdown a few days prior. 'This doesn 't change anything. '

Levi didn 't reply, at first, but after a moment, he sagged sideways until his cheek rested on Erwin 's chest. 'Erwin? '

'Yes? '

'I would never hurt you. Not on purpose. ' His voice wavered.

'I know. ' Erwin closed his eyes. 'It 's okay, Levi. Everything 's going to be okay. '

Levi 's arms tightened around him.