Isabel slips, and you shoot your hooks into the back of the titan's neck. You swing your blades, but you miss, and when you turn around again, she's being pulled at in two different directions by two titans-

At the last second, her eyes lock on you. Her face is devoid of any expression as she says, "this is your fault."

Then she's torn in half, and you're drowning in blood, and-

"No!"

You sit up, the scream dying in your throat, hand reaching out to something that's not there. It takes you a moment to realize where you are (still in your hospital room) but by the time you've gathered your bearings, the vividness of your dream starts sinking onto your shoulders.

You want to lie and tell yourself it wasn't real, and although that exact scenario isn't what came up in your memory, it still makes your insides churn. You want to douse your brain in some sort of acid and scrub it clean.

Your breakfast is already sitting on the side table, so you eat by yourself. It's awful, being alone with your thoughts. After such a vivid memory, you should be trying to write down as much as you can, or at the very least, relay the information to someone.

You can't wipe the look in Isabel's eyes from your mind.

A minute later, you stumble into your bathroom, vomiting up the contents of your breakfast. You can't erase the memory from your head, as much as you desperately wish you could. How odd. You spent months longing for memories, to remember something, anything, and now you want nothing more than to sink your brain into acid and pretend you never remembered anything to begin with.

Thankfully, your first visitor is Hange and not Levi. They come in, as bubbly as usual, bandages wrapped around their wrist. "Nothing major, just fell," they say with a wave of their good hand. "You're the important one, though! How was your first- well, second- time outside the walls?"

"I remember how they died," you say hollowly.

Hange pauses. "They? You mean- your friends?"

"Yeah."

For a rare moment, your friend is quiet, drinking in what you said and perhaps registering the haunted look in your eyes. "Ah, well, that's the life of the scouts," they say softly, taking a seat next to your bed. "We lost six people yesterday. Just a simple scouting mission to check out the forest and we still lost six."

You didn't know that. "Does it get easier?" you whisper. "Seeing everyone die?"

Hange smiles wryly. "I guess anything would be easier than the deaths of your closest friends."

You purse your lips and look down, starting to feel embarrassed. You're reeling from a memory of nearly seven months ago, but the rest of the Survey Corps go through this every single mission and keep it together.

"Don't beat yourself up," Hange says, as if they can sense what you're thinking. "You're remembering them only now. It's bound to be tough."

"Thanks," you mutter.

The two of you sit in silence for a while. Hange casually turns their wrist over in their lap, giving you your space. You glance at your window; although it only shows you the side of another building, you can see the light rainfall coming down.

You need to talk to Levi. Even if you don't want to, you need to tell him what you know. "Hange?" you whisper. "Where's Levi?"

They stand up. "I'll get him."

"Oh- I can go to him," you protest, swinging your legs off the side of the hospital bed. "It's no big deal."

Hange puts a hand on your shoulder. You're a bit surprised by the sudden urge to strip the hand off and shove them away- how weird of you. "Relax. Stay here. I'll go grab him." They smile wryly. "Besides, I think he's having tea."

Pursing your lips, you sit back down. Hange shoots you one last smile and leaves, closing the door behind them.

Ten minutes later, Levi enters, carrying a tray. You straighten up. He walks to the chair beside your bed, setting the tray down before he takes a seat. He doesn't say a word or meet your eyes: he attends to his tea, pouring two cups.

"It's rosemary," he says before you can ask. "Rosemary tea."

You nod in thanks and reach out for the cup, surprised at how shaky your hands are. As soon as you grab the hook of the cup, it starts shaking, sending tea spilling over the edge. "Shit," you curse as the hot liquid hits your hand.

"Oi. Idiot." Levi grabs your tea cup by the rim to steady it, in the strange way he likes to hold it. You let go, and Levi sets the cup back on the tray. He pulls a handkerchief out of his jacket pocket and presses it over your hand. "Careful, dumbass," he mutters.

His index finger brushes again the inside of your palm and it feels like fire is shooting through your arm. "Thanks," you mutter, jerking your hand back like you've been shocked.

Levi wrinkles his nose in irritation. "You can't keep it."

"Not going to," you shoot back.

"Then don't spill your tea. Don't waste it."

"Didn't mean to," you mutter, setting Levi's handkerchief on the tray. His eyes follow you as you reach out for the cup again. You pause, looking at the way Levi's holding his cup.

Well, why not.

You wrap your fingers around the edge of the cup and pick it up.

Levi raises an eyebrow at you. You raise the cup to your lips and tip your hand back to pour some of the tea into your mouth.

There's a method to Levi's madness. Somehow, the cup doesn't fall from your fingers. "Shut up," you mutter. Somehow, without changing his expression, Levi seems more smug than before. "I, uh, I..." you trail off. "Did Hange say anything to you?"

He shakes his head. "They just told me you wanted to see me."

You swallow. "I had a dream."

"Of?"

"A memory."

Levi's expression doesn't change. "Of what?" he asks.

Here goes.

"Isabel and Farlan. When they died."

There's a bit of a pause. You're half expecting Levi to drop his cup. He doesn't. Instead, he sets the cup down on the tray and crosses his arms. "Tell me everything," he demands. "Don't miss a single detail."

And so you do. The headache that you've had all morning seems to subside. You've made no effort to retain the memory but every detail is still etched clearly into your mind. You stumble over Isabel's death, tongue thick in your throat and tears blurring your eyes. You're almost grateful you didn't see Farlan die- that would've been much too traumatizing.

When you finish, you're visibly tearing up. You snatch Levi's handkerchief from the tray and wipe your eyes, exhaling shakily. Levi is dangerously silent, his expression carefully controlled.

"I get it now, at least," you murmur, looking up to him. His eyes are focused on the wall behind you, avoiding your gaze. "Why you resent me." He doesn't say anything in reply, so you continue. "I know you would've preferred one of them to live instead."

Levi angrily sips his tea. "Don't say shit like that."

"It's true though, isn't it?"

He meets your eyes, his glare hard, and he sets his tea cup down on the tray. "I thought all three of you were dead," he says. "Two is better than three."

You frown. "Yeah, if you're speaking objectively. But you were obviously closer to Isabel and Farlan than you were to me-"

"What do you want me to say?" Levi snaps, cutting you off. He crosses his arms. "You want me to tell you I hate you?"

"Oh, I know you do," you return, eyes narrowed, "I'm just trying to figure out if this is why or if there's other issues."

His glare doesn't waver. You hold his stare as best you can, trying not to back down. He doesn't let up, and eventually you have to tear your eyes away. It'd almost be easier if he yelled, if he shunned you and blamed you for the deaths of his friends. If the fact that you're alive and they're not is the reason he hates you, then that would make your life easier, because otherwise, it means that there's something in your past that he's not telling you. And with Levi being the one you feel closest to (not that that's saying much), you'd prefer to have any of said problems up in the air.

Moments of silence go by. The guilt that you've been suppressing resurfaces as the anger in you dies down, and you sigh softly to yourself. "I killed the wrong one," you whisper, eyes trained on your tea cup that's being balanced by one hand in your lap. "The wrong titan. Isabel-"

"Don't regret it."

"How can I not?"

"Because if you do, you won't be able to make decisions for shit," Levi says dully. He tips his head to the side, tucking his chin into the palm of his hand. "You think I don't wish I would've stayed with you?"

Damn, your eyes are going to start watering again.

"Every fucking moment of every damn day," he murmurs. "Erwin's the one who told me what I told you- that if you regret it, you ruin your decision making in the future. Instead, blame it on the titans."

"Titans," you mutter.

There's a heavy silence where you digest what he's told you. Levi picks up his tea cup again and takes a long sip, then pours himself some more. Your cup is still half full, sitting in your lap. You bring it up to your lips, holding it the way Levi does, and drain the rest of it. You welcome the sting of the heat in your throat.

You set your empty cup on the tray and turn to Levi. "I want to join the Survey Corps."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do," you argue. "You don't get to tell me what I want."

"You're such a pain in the ass," Levi grumbles. "You just want revenge."

You go quiet, because he's just hit the nail on the head. You simmer in your own fury for a moment before you say, "not entirely." He raises an eyebrow at you, so you continue. "You- you're my only connection to a life that I used to have. I want to be where you are."

"Don't be fucking stupid."

Your temper flares. "I'm not-"

"Yes, you are," he snaps. "I'm not worth that- I'm not worth your life. It's dangerous out here, idiot, people die-"

"I don't care!"

"You should!" Levi's careful expression is gone; it's given way for a mixture of annoyance and fury. "We're

not

close," he snarls, pointing a finger at you, "and we were never friends. Isabel and Farlan liked you, I didn't. We had to work together for one job-

one

job."

"So there

is

something else then," you push. "What did I do? Why didn't we get along?"

"Nothing! They were just eager to trust and I wasn't a fucking idiot." Levi sets his jaw. "You won them over, but not me. I don't care what happens to you."

"Liar," you snap back. "If you didn't care, you wouldn't be trying to stop me from joining the scouts!"

Levi's about to retort when the door opens, and both of your heads snap up. Doctor Fizal is standing in the doorway, and there's a strange man behind her. He's wearing a plain grey coat and a hat over a mop of grey hair, and he's shifting nervously behind her. You don't recognize him, but then again, that doesn't mean much to you.

"My apologies," Fizal says carefully. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No," Levi says before you can reply. "I was just leaving."

You're too angry with him to protest, so you instead choose to glare at the door as Levi stands, abandoning the tea tray in favor of having a quicker exit.

Levi's barely made it two steps out of the door when Doctor Fizal says, "Miss Logan, I believe this man may be your father."

The air seems to get sucked out of your body.

Levi turns around so fast that it may have been comical if you weren't feeling like you'd been sucker punched. You try to study the man, looking for any sort of resemblance- narrow eyes, sharp cheek bones, holding himself in a way that suggests he's trying not to come off as intimidating- but your brain is still spinning and it's clouding your judgment. "Oh," is all you can manage to say. "Really?"

"Well, there's no way to know for sure, but..." Doctor Fizal glances at Levi, and he steps out of the way- back into your room. The man enters and removes his hat, clutching it in his hands.

"They told me your name," he says. His voice is deep and sort of raspy, and for some reason it immediately sets you on edge. "But that doesn't mean much to me considering you were taken from me as soon as you were born."

To your surprise, Levi is the one to speak up. "Then how do you know she's yours?"

The man glances back at Levi in surprise, then turns back to you. "Well, I don't," he says honestly. "But I've always been searching. I've found several young women that it could be, but... none seem to work out. You- the doctor said you were from the underground, yes?"

"Underground kids don't have families," Levi says sharply.

You shoot him a weak glare. One second he says he doesn't care about you, and now he's being protective? Make up your mind.

"They do if they were born above ground first," the man says, and he turns back to you. "Oh, where are my manners? My name is Willem. Willem Castello."

He holds his hand out to you, and you tentatively shake it. He's got a tight grip.

"I live in a small village in the southern part of Wall Rose," Willem says. "Tormach village. Maybe about fifty people. We're mostly farmers. If you're willing, we'd like you to come and live with us."

"We?" you say.

He glances sideways at Doctor Fizal, and you realize that part of this is the doctor's idea. "We... we mentioned getting you settled into a routine," she says. "Obviously, a routine in the military would not be beneficial to your healing. You went out with the scouts yesterday, yes? There are mentions of you having severe headaches while on the trip."

Your mouth opens, but no sound comes out. You look to Levi.

He's really doing his best to keep me out of the scouts, isn't he,

you think bitterly.

"Mister Castello is willing to take you in, and even if it turns out that you two are not related in the way he hopes," she continues, "then at least it gives you a way to integrate back into society. Helping out on a farm."

"I know you have amnesia, so there's nothing you remember," Willem adds, "but my wife ran away with you as soon as you were born. I've been trying to track her down since, and I have many reasons to believe that she retreated to the underground."

That would explain your upbringing in the underground- if this man isn't lying, at least. "Sorry, I'm just a bit... overwhelmed," you say carefully, curling your fingers into the sheets of your hospital bed.

"Sorry," he apologizes. "I don't mean to spring this on you. And I'm not sure if this will help, but most of the people in our village carry this symbol." He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a pendant hanging from the end of a long cord.

For the second time in two minutes, you feel sucker punched.

It's a triangle inside a circle. It's the same charm that you've got in your jacket, which is tucked into your nightstand.

"Let's give you time to think about it," Doctor Fizal says, placing a hand on Willem's shoulder. "I know this might be a lot of information all at once. Please consider this, though. It could be good for you."

Willem shoots you a weak smile, hidden behind his scruffy grey beard, and he follows the doctor out of the room, stepping away from Levi. The doctor shoots you one last look that says

think about it

and closes the door behind her, leaving you in the room with Levi.

"I have that symbol," you whisper. "In the-"

"Pocket of your jacket," Levi finishes. "Yeah. I know."

It feels like the gears in your brain are turning faster than you can keep up. "So is he- is that my father then?" you say dumbly, reaching toward the nightstand. You pull open the drawer and remove your jacket, being careful not to knock over the tray with the tea.

Levi moves back towards you and take his seat again. His eyes follow your hands as you go through your jacket pockets, finding the secret opening in the lining and pulling out the necklace.

It's identical to that man's. A triangle bounded by a circle, hanging from a cord.

You want to scream. You want to ask Levi what you should do. You want to leave the hospital, run away, and never look back. Levi's staring at the pendant in your hands, swinging back and forth.

"Fucking doctor did this on purpose."

You glance up at Levi and frown. "What're you talking about?"

"The timing. Seems too convenient, hm?" He crosses his arms. "She wanted to wait until after you'd been on that scouting trip so you'd be rattled and take the offer. She's hoping you got scared."

"I didn't get scared," you say with a roll of your eyes. You soften. "Just memories." You think for a minute, wondering if you can summon any memories about family. "I don't know anything about a family, though," you murmur, tipping your head down to stare at the pendant in your hands. Such a small, insignificant little thing that's making your head hurt.

"You mentioned your family once," Levi murmurs.

Your head snaps up so fast that you can feel something crack.

"We were..." he trails off, then laces his fingers together. "I told you we did one job. It was a big one. It went off without a hitch. We were celebrating. We had a fire. Whiskey. Started talking about family."

Then you hear it again. The same thing from when Mike was with you and Hange, talking to your horse. Warmth in your hands, laughter.

"You were on your own. You said there was no one in the picture, but you talked about your mother in the past tense. We assumed that meant she was dead."

That feels like a gut punch. "You didn't think to tell me that earlier?"

Levi doesn't answer you. Instead, he says, "you never mentioned your father."

"Okay. Okay, so..." you exhale, clutching the tiny charm in your hand. "So it lines up. My mother ran away with me to the underground, and she died? So I grew up on my own. Sort of. Maybe?"

Levi's eyes squeeze shut, then open. "I originally assumed your mother was like mine," he whispers.

It feels like someone is compressing your brain with two red-hot irons, like a sandwich. "What was... what was your mother like?" you whisper.

"A..." he trails off, turning his head away from you and exhaling. It's the most emotion you've ever seen from Levi. He stops, as if determining if it's worth saying. Levi locks eyes with you, then shakes his head. Clearly the topic isn't easy for him, and he doesn't trust you enough to tell you. "Doesn't matter," he mutters.

You're not sure how to respond to that, so you stay quiet, biting the inside of your cheek.

"But if not, then that means your mother ran away from a farm above ground and found shelter underground," Levi continues, the emotion draining from his face. "People kill to get citizenships for up here. She gave that up willingly to keep you away from him."

You finally see where he's going with this. If everything you've gathered so far is true, then your mother gave up a lot to keep you away from him. "Why would she do that?" you murmur, pressing a hand to your head. "Why..."

Your headache rages in your head. Questions are bouncing around your brain.

You bite your lip and tighten your hand around your pendant. "Only one way to find out," you say firmly.

Levi's eyes widen. "You're not actually considering this."

"What do you want me to do, Levi?" you say tiredly, the pendant slipping from your grip and falling into your lap. Levi's driving you insane, and not in a good way. "You- you don't want me in the Survey Corps, you don't want me to go with someone who might be my family. You want me to just stay locked in this stupid hospital room for the rest of my life?"

He mutters something that sounds vaguely like "pain in the ass" before he snaps, "any options that don't involve you running head first into danger?"

You glare. "I thought you didn't care."

"I don't."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Then let me go."

"Fine." Levi stands up again, grabbing the tea tray. "Go get yourself killed. I don't care."

"Fine," you retort bitterly as he heads to the door.

"Fine," he replies angrily. He throws the door open so hard that it nearly knocks the tray off of his other hand, but he manages to keep it balanced. Levi swivels back to face you, his eyes blazing. "Go get yourself killed and then see how much I care," he snaps.

The door slams shut.

"Fine," you whisper to yourself. You raise both of your middle fingers at the closed door. "Fuck you, Levi."

You look down at the pendant in your lap and hold it up. It swings back and forth, almost like it's trying to hypnotize you.

Maybe this is a bad idea.

You steel yourself. Levi challenged you to go get yourself killed? Fine. You'll have to spite him.

You get up from your bed, sliding your jacket around your shoulders and tucking the necklace back into your pocket. You're going to go find Doctor Fizal and that Willem Castello person that may be your father, and you're going to go figure this out once and for all. Without Levi's help.