You know the worst part about this whole fucked up mess? It was a normal day. A normal ass day.

I woke up, middle of the afternoon, with drool all over my face not knowing what century I was in. I made myself mediocre instant ramen with the intent to sit around all day hating myself. Normal goddamn day.

A normal day where my stupid ass decided ‘gee the weather sure is nice, maybe I’ll go for a walk to the Dominos down the street for lonely dinner!’ So I put on a pair of black cargo pants and a yellow flannel shirt I got from my dead grandpa (hey, if it works it works) grabbed my wallet, keys and phone and went on my merry way.

What a fucking joke. That accursed Dominos is, I shit you not, a three minute walk from my front door. It is a proverbial hop skip and a jump away. If you thought ‘what the hell could go wrong in less than three minutes?’ Then you’re the idiot god played for a fool. Yes I thought the same thing. Shut up.

Normal day. Normal day where I took my normal route through the parking lot of a shitty suburb plaza to get to the normal shitty kinda-not-even-that-good Dominos for a sad lonely ‘congrats no one cares what you do’ dinner.

Normal day where some stupid motherfucker in a red Honda civic who’s insurance is about to go way through the roof goes speeding into a normal parking lot at decidedly

not

normal speeds to body slam normal me hard enough that I went fucking

flying.

Normal me then smashed head first into the concrete and everything went black.

- - - -

Did…

Did I just die in a Dominos parking lot?

…

……

FUCK

Of all the ways to go? Really?? I know I’ve never been super stoked about being alive and sure, I’ve crossed the road a couple times without checking for cars, and

yes

, I have been more than a little reckless with my mortality in the past few years but

really?

This sucks. I had plans this week. I had a book I wanted to finish, a YouTube video I wanted to watch, a show I wanted to binge, four new songs queued up in my playlist and that’s just

it?

And now I float towards the warm embrace of death. Fucken balls. Is this the part where I go to hell? Why does it feel… cold?

Better question, why does hell feel like drowning? I don’t remember this part of Dante’s Inferno. I actually don’t remember any of Dante’s Inferno so that’s not surprising, but I honestly thought that going to hell would burn more?

Beyond the sting of what feels like salt on my eyelids and in my nose it mostly just feels like swimming in the ocean.

Wait, am I still supposed to hurt while I’m on my way to hell? Because I can feel a steady pressure building in my lungs and there’s a dull ache in my everything.

I tentatively open my eyes and OH BOY IMMEDIATELY REGRET THAT SLAM THOSE FUCKERS SHUT THAT'S DEFINITELY SALT WATER MAYBE THIS REALLY IS HELL -

Wait, salt water?

I start thrashing violently, feeling my heavy limbs move sluggishly through the water I’m apparently submerged in. I’m trying desperately to kick to a surface that for all I know doesn’t even exist, I grit my teeth and reopen my stinging eyes.

Above me I can see faint light, a surface just beyond my reach. I swim up as fast as my heavy clothing and tired limbs will let me.

Maybe I’m not actually dead and I just got slammed by that car hard enough that I fell into the pond? That’s across a whole street? And definitely not this deep, who am I kidding I have no idea what’s going on -

I’m paddling and paddling, my lungs feel close to bursting and the light is getting brighter and brighter.

Aren’t you supposed to go

away

from the light at the end of the tunnel? Whatever.

I can almost taste the fresh air and feel it on the tips of my fingers when a dark shape seems to pass over me. Big enough that it’s at least twice my size and roughly an oval, it drifts right past my head and I finally break the surface.

That first breath of air almost felt heavenly. The first thing I notice is that it’s goddamn bright up here, and ‘up here’ seems to be in the middle of a goddamn ocean.

“FUCKING HELL!” I yell amidst the splashing and heavy breathing. I’m not gonna last long just treading water in the middle of the ocean, I’ll either get too tired to keep it up or the sun will cook me or I’ll get eaten by something horrible -

Basically shit’s not looking so good. I’m seconds away from bursting into hysterical tears over here.

“What’re you doing?” a boy's voice asks me. I whip my head around and see what looks like a small dinghy, probably the shape that passed over my head. The boy has a messy head of black hair and is wearing a red vest thing, he’s half hanging out of his shitty dinghy and is staring right at me.

“Drowning, can’t you tell?! Help me up!” I gargle out while shimmying through the water to him. I grab onto the side of his boat and start trying to haul myself in. He grabs me around the waist and somehow uses his skinny little twig arms to swing me ass over teakettle onto the floor of his vessel.

“Good lord you’re stronger than you look. Where the hell am I?” I ask, looking around at the miles of water surrounding us on all sides.

“East Blue,” he answers, titling his head like a curious puppy.

I snort. “Cute, what hemisphere are we in?”

He makes a face. “Hammer-what? You’re weird.”

He bends down to grab something out of the bottom of the boat and shoves it on his head, a bright yellow straw hat with a red ribbon on it.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s at this point I make that crucial connection. I look this weirdo up and down, take in the crescent scar under his eye, his frankly ridiculous getup, the shitty dinghy, and that damning straw hat.

I take a deep breath.

I turn around, and slam my forehead into the deck as I fall to my knees. “Please, god, I know the last time we talked I told you to suck an egg but

what the actual fuck.

What did I do? Is this because of the gay thing? I’ll stop I swear I’ll knock it off just

please - ”

“What are you talking about? Why were you swimming all the way out here? What’s with your weird clothes?” The Boy, whom I refuse to name on principle, starts rapid fire shooting out questions while wiggling his way across the tiny boat to me.

“This is actually happening. Oh my god this is real, what the shit…” I turn around from my position on the floor to see The Boy crouched inches from my face. I give an undignified yelp and scramble as far back as I can without tipping over the edge.

He gives me that bright grin and announces “I’m Monkey D. Luffy! I’m gonna be King of the Pirates!” Then he cocks his head to the side. “Who’re you?”

I do the only thing I can do. I pass out.

- - - -

Unfortunately, I wake up. I wake up with an eyeful of the beautiful blue sky and think maybe,

just

maybe,

I had a weird near-death dream after getting bodied by a car and I’m just on the ground in the parking lot.

“Are you awake now?”

Scratch that shit I’m still in hell. I groan and roll over onto my stomach, hands wrapped around my head like it’ll make The Boy (who should not be here

I should not be here - )

disappear.

“Please for the love of all that’s sacred and good, tell me you’re a hallucination,” I mumble through my hands

“Shishishi, nope!”

My god he’s got the laugh

“What’re you doing now?”

I pause half hanging off the boat to turn to look at him. “Hold for a minute please,” I say pleasantly.

Then I shove my head underwater and start screaming. A lot. With curse words. I come up for a breath at some point so I can keep screaming. Pretty cathartic, I’m not going to lie.

Once that is out of my system I pull myself back into the dinghy and turn to face The Boy with a smile. He’s still staring at me with that blank dumb grin.

There’s no thoughts behind those eyes, are there?

I take a deep breath. “Sorry, where were we? You’re Monkey D. Luffy and you’re gonna be King of the Pirates, right?”

His face lights up in this huge grin (

dammit he’s got the smile)

and he starts laughing again. “Yup! Now who’re you? And why were you swimming all the way out here?”

“Uuuuh…”

Shit shit shit I gotta come up with a name, something cool and not totally stupid -

“E. D. Domino.”

FUCK THAT’S SO STUPID WHY DID I SAY THAT.

“You can just call me Ed.”

Did I just accidentally give myself the D. initial? What is wrong with me? And DOMINO? REALLY??

“Cool! Why’re you out here?”

Fuck, why

am

I out here?

“Dude I have no idea.”

He’s not gonna buy that.

“Fair enough!”

HE BOUGHT THAT. WHAT IS THIS GUY?

I take a quick look at the horizon. “So uh, where exactly are we? In relation to nearby islands I mean.”

Might as well commit to this shit, the hell else am I gonna do? I’ve got enough basic knowledge of this world outside the plot that I should be able to avoid painful death or fucking shit up too bad, right?

“We’re about a day away from Dawn Island uuuuh, that direction!” he tells me with a smile, pointing in what I’m certain is just a random ass direction.

I slowly nod. “Right. Cool. So, what's the future King of the Pirates doing in a dinghy? Isn’t that kinda… below your station?”

He just gives me this scandalized look. “I had to start with

something!

It’s better than just a barrel.”

That I cannot argue with. Wait, doesn't Coby find him in a barrel?

“It’s my dream! What’s yours?”

Fuck I forgot everything in this crazy place runs on dreams like Peter Pan’s fairy dust. “Let’s come back to that one.”

“Ok! What do you do?” he asks, bouncing on the spot.

I scratch my jaw with a squint. “In general or as a profession?”

He rolls his eyes like I’ve just said something dumb. “I

meeeean

what’s your thing? What do you do that’s cool?”

This motherfucker. “I mean I like to read? I know a shitload about all kinds of stuff in this world. I could tell you all about the Grand Line and the crap in it.”

His eyes light up like I just told him it was Christmas. “Really?! You know all about it just from reading?”

Technically true? “Yup. That and good old fashion detective work, sussing stuff out from rumours and such.”

He starts waving his hands around. “Waaa! So you’re a detective!” Meh, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Time to commit

hard.

I puff out my chest and point at myself with my thumb. “Damn right I am! I’m a first class detective! As for my dream, it’s to solve the greatest mystery of this world, I’m gonna find out what the One Piece is!”

Is that aiming high enough? He likes wild dreamers right? Somehow his eyes start sparking even more.

Yeah I think I’ve won him over enough to hitch a ride to some random island and spend the rest of my days avoiding this shit in bliss.

“Join my crew!”

FUCK ABORT ABORT -

“I don’t know about that one Chief,” I say, sounding much calmer than I am.

He gets this sad kicked puppy pout on his face. “But why not? I’m gonna be King of the Pirates, so I’m gonna find the One Piece! That means we’re going to the same place!”

Goddamnit this kid is charming. What nutjob rolled him a 20 in charisma, huh? Not fucking fair.

I gather my strength and the strength of my ancestors to turn this sweet sweet boy down when he turns the puppy dog eyes up to the max and damns me to hell with a “please?”

Goddamnit. Goddamnit goddamnit

goddamnit -

“Ok.” I’m going to die an excruciating death. And I am going to suffer massive amounts of pain. Because of this boys stupid fucking

puppy dog eyes.

But…

But he flashes me a huge gummy smile and I feel something in me melt. “Yeah. Ok, sure.” Maybe everything will just work out? Maybe his main character plot armour will rub off on me enough that I’ll actually survive to see the One Piece -

Then he launches himself at me and sends both of us tumbling into the water in a tangle of limbs and indignant squawking.

“GODDAMNIT - ”

- - - -

It takes every ounce of strength in my body and panicked recollections of my lifeguard friend’s half-assed lessons in ‘how not to drown with people’, but I manage to pull myself and the rubber boy wonder back into the dinghy.

He throws his head back and laughs, wet hair plastered to his face. “Wow! I really thought I was gonna die that time!”

I whip my head around to hiss at him like a wet angry cat. “It was your fault,

idiot!”

He just giggles in response. Little shit. I pull off my worn and creased-to-high-hell combat boots and dump the excess water out of them over the side of the boat, all while maintaining eye contact with the entirely unapologetic boy.

“Do you have any kind of plan at all?” I ask him, knowing damn well he doesn’t.

“Not at all!” he says with an unworried grin.

I hate being right.

The sun is getting low in the horizon, to the point where the distant ocean is turning a vibrant orange. The water really does stretch out as far as the eye can see. I guess they never mention how… desolate sailing can be.

“Why’s your face doing that?”

I’m jolted back to the present by Luffy snapping his fingers in my ear. “Doing what?” I ask.

He makes a face, “this! It was getting all scrunchy like you were thinking too hard.”

Observant fucker… “Don’t worry about it, Captain.” The title seems to distract him from my temporary melancholy.

Fuck man, it’s just hitting me. I

died.

Probably. There’s not really a way for me to check per say… But I’m pretty sure that last crunch I heard was my skull, and I’d rather not get shoved back into my body to check.

It’s actually kind of sad how fast I’m adjusting to this. Getting isekai’d into an anime is something that happens in other anime and like, fanfiction or something. Not to actual people, and certainly not to me.

Oh god, what are they gonna do with my body? Is my mom gonna give me an open casket funeral? That would suck major ass. I don’t want people staring at my corpse.

Wait, do I

have

a corpse? Or did my body just like… disappear in a shower of sparkles?

Shit, my

mom.

Oh her kid just bit the big one. This is gonna suck for her. Now I feel terrible for not feeling terrible that I don’t have to watch that.

“You look like you’re gonna start crying,” Luffy pipes up again, now sitting close enough he could rest his head on my legs if he leaned forward.

“Not gonna cry,” I say, desperate to believe my own words.

“You can if you wanna, not like there’s anyone else out here to judge you.” This boy is smart and cunning and evil and -

And is watching me break down crying in the shitty boat he dragged me into.

Fine. Ten… Ten minutes. I’ll be sad and mourn for ten minutes. Then I stop.

It actually ends up being closer to half an hour of relentless crying, and by the end Luffy really has migrated to basically laying on my lap.

My eyes are puffy and have had enough salt water in them to last me months, but they are well and truly done crying.

“Are you done being sad now?” Luffy asks. The tone he uses implies that it would be fine if I was still being sad, it was just a genuine question.

I shove his hat down over his face. “Yeah, now let’s get you that crown.”

Then I take in the fact that it is very much evening and the temperature is very much dropping and I am very much still semi-damp. “Or we could huddle for warmth and get the One Piece… tomorrow. Or next week.”

He laughs, but just shoves himself into my side as I scooch further into the belly of the dinghy. I feel like it should feel weirder how fast this dude is getting touchy feely, but mostly I’m just appreciative of the contact.

“Yeah, tomorrow sounds good.”