We run ashore on the Gecko Islands a few hours after daybreak. 'Wow! There 's really an island here! ' Luffy marvels, amazed by the simple act of navigation.

'We followed the map, what 'd you expect to happen? ' Nami asks incredulously, shooting me a matching look.

'We got lost a lot, ' I shrug. She just shakes her head in disbelief.

Luffy bounces along the beach, staring down the path cut in the hill. 'Is there a village here? '

Nami nods, tucking away her map. 'More like a small hamlet, but they should have everything we need. '

Luffy immediately starts cheering. 'Meat! Meat! Meat! '

Zoro hops out of the dinghy and stretches. 'Been forever since I last stood on solid ground! '

Luffy sticks his tongue out at Zoro and laughs. 'It 's 'cause you 're always sleeping! '

I shake my head. 'It 's been less than 48 hours ' '

It 's at this point I lock onto the shapes of three small kids and one scrawny teen crouched in the bushes. Wow they are ' bad at that. Is that Usopp 's nose peeking through the bush?

'By the way, I just happened to notice ' what the hell are those guys doing? ' Zoro asks conversationally, popping a katana out of its sheath by an inch.

I roll my eyes. 'I 'm 90% sure those are kids, calm your pillowy chest. '

Zoro lets go of his sword to lunge at me, attempting to rock my shit. I, like the mature person I am, hide behind Nami. 'Say that again you little shit! '

'DON'T RUN AWAY?! ' comes the screaming voice of Usopp. I can just make out the heads of the three kids that follow him around running away at top speed, screaming all the while.

This is the part where I try to banish all thoughts of Maes Hughes and the voice they share.

Usopp stares at us like a deer in headlights for a minute before snapping into a shaking action pose and pointing at us dramatically. 'I am the great pirate Captain Usopp, who 's in charge of the security in this village! It 's best if you don 't try to attack, or my 80 thousand men are not going to forgive you! '

We all pause for a moment. ' 'You 're lying, aren't you, ' Nami deadpans.

Usopp 's eyes bug out. 'HOW DID YOU KNOW?! '

Nami shoots me a sly grin. 'You just admitted it yourself ' '

'SHIT! ' Usopp screams into his hands.

'He was lying?! ' Luffy 's jaw drops.

Usopp visibly scrambles before adopting this twitching false smug ' thing. 'I may have exaggerated the number ' but I do have a great many men at my command! '

'You mean those three kids who ran away screaming? ' I ask, leaning against Nami with a catty grin.

Usopp starts so hard he knocks himself off balance, arms pinwheeling and face white. 'Are you psychic?! '

'Just a detective, nothing that fantastical, ' I lie out of my ass. Explaining that I 'm from some kinda alternative reality where they 're all fictional characters nonwithstanding, this guy 's a fucking terrible liar.

'A detective?! ' he shrieks, looking like I 've just brought the Antichrist to his firstborn's baptism. 'My natural enemy! ' Oh, hadn 't even thought of that. Detectives are supposed to be bastions of truth or some shit ' too bad I 'm a lying liar who lies.

'You 're neat! ' Luffy laughs.

Usopp huffs and whips out his slingshot, taking aim right at Luffy. 'Hey! Don 't insult me! I 'm a proud man and I won 't stand for it! Last warning, or you 'll get to see why they call me 'Proud Usopp! ' ' The smile slides from Luffy 's face, and he dips his head so the straw hat shades his eyes. 'My slingshot skills are far greater than your average pistol! '

'At the very least he 's better than me ' ' I mumble to Nami, who stifles a laugh.

'Now that you 've drawn your pistol, put your life on the line. ' Luffy 's voice rings clear like a bell, a small smirk popping out from under his hat. 'Guns aren 't for threats, they 're for actions. Are you willing to risk your life? '

I see Zoro smirk and pop open his katana again. 'What you 're looking at are real pirates, consider your next move carefully. '

I slide to my Captain 's right and brush aside my flannel to reveal my pistol. 'You should know, I 'm a master of the quick draw. Wouldn 't even take a second for me to put a hole in that nose of yours, ' I bluff, channeling my inner badass to give this poor fucker the hardest intimidating stare down of his life.

Usopp visibly struggles against our front, sweat pouring down his face in buckets. His face and posture crumple and he drops his ammo. He then dramatically falls to his knees and whimpers out, 'good golly

fuck

you pirates are scary! '

Me, Luffy and Zoro exchange looks before bursting into laughter. 'I stole that! ' Luffy squeezes out. 'From Shanks, a pirate I know! '

Usopp wheezes into the ground. 'Red-Haired Shanks?! The

Emperor?! '

Luffy just keeps laughing. 'Yeah. Your dad 's Yasopp, right? ' Usopp jolts forward with a huge smile, which then sends him skidding down the outcropping he 's perched on and sprawling into the sand.

He bangs his head no less than two times and I silently remind myself to check his ass for a concussion later. He looks up dazed and blinks stupidly at Luffy. 'Yeah, Yasopp is my dad ' how do you know that? '

Luffy and I exchange looks, I click my teeth a couple times and his eyes light up. 'I 'll tell you all about it, but first! '

' ' ' '

'Meat! Fresh meat! ' Luffy cries, scarfing down on a slab the size of his head. After hearing our demands of 'food and not much else ' Usopp led the lot of us to the restaurant we 're sat in now.

'It 's pretty good, huh? ' Usopp boasts, like he had anything to do with the preparation of the food.

Luffy nods enthusiastically. 'So I met your dad when I was a kid! '

Usopp raises his eyebrows with a grin. 'So my old man really knows Shanks? '

While the two of them chat about that shit I turn to Zoro and his bizarre setup. 'So do you normally sit your swords like they 're a paying customer when you go to a restaurant, or is this a new development? '

He gives me an amused smirk through a mouthful of rice. 'What, you want their seat? '

I smirk back, leaning on folded hands. 'Maybe I do. '

Nami glances back and forth between us like she 's looking at a particularly ugly abstract painting. 'What the hell is with you two? '

I swivel all of my attention to her, batting my eyelashes. 'I 'm sorry, Nami darling. I don 't mean to deprive you of my attention! ' She scoffs, but I see the smile she hides behind her hand.

'Anyways, maybe you can help us, Usopp! ' she turns to him, dazzling smile turned up to a thousand watts. He seems complexity oblivious to the attempt at charm, so she rolls her eyes and continues. 'Do you know someone who can set us up with a decent ship, or anyone who can sail? '

Usopp 's face pinches in thought. 'It 's a pretty small village. Sorry, but I don 't think we 'll be able to help you! ' His face melts into this ' smug/nervous/sleazy

thing.

'What about that place on the hill? ' Zoro asks. Usopp goes stock still, eye twitching. 'The mansion, ' he clarifies.

Nami claps her hands excitedly. 'Do you know them?! With all that money surely they could help! '

'You stay away from there! ' Usopp suddenly snaps. We all pause to stare at him, even Luffy stops chewing for a second to look. Then his brain catches up to his mouth and his face goes pale. 'Haha! Just remembered something I had to do, gotta go bye! Eat as much as you want! ' And then he runs out of the place like we set his hair on fire.

We blink at each other for a second before Luffy goes back to stuffing his face. 'Weird ' ' Nami mutters.

I shrug, shovelling more fish in my mouth. 'Not our problem 'till it 's our problem. '

We eat in peace for another ten minutes before Usopp 's little friends burst in with a yell of, 'the Usopp Pirates have arrived! ' The owner remains completely unfazed. The kids scuttle up to our table screeching, 'what 'd you do with Captain Usopp?! '

Luffy, completely oblivious to that shit, rubs his distended stomach with a sigh. 'That was delicious! ' The kids recoil in horror as they connect dots that did not need connecting.

Me, Nami and Zoro all exchange looks, evil smiles creeping up our faces. 'A little stringy for my taste, but what can you do? ' I sigh dramatically.

Zoro leans forward, leering. 'If you 're looking for your Captain ' We ate him. '

'CANNIBALS! ' they scream, promptly falling to the ground as we burst into laughter.

'Sorry, I 'm sorry. I just missed fucking with kids, ' I say between chuckles.

'Little asshole, ' Nami grumbles at me.

'Anyways, your Captain flipped his lid after we brought up the mansion then left. My guess, he 's tight with whoever lives there and doesn 't want random weirdos he 's just met screwing with them. ' The look of shock on the kids faces is making me want to press the envelope further ' 'The way he jumped to protect that place ' makes me think he 's got a sweetheart living up in that house. '

The kids eyes bug out and the middle one screeches out 'Witch! Pirate witch who can read minds! '

'Not a witch, just a detective, ' I roll my eyes.

'Same thing with you ' ' Zoro mutters.

'Anywho, could you take us to the mansion maybe? '

The kids exchange looks before the one in the middle nods. 'Ok, sure. '

' ' ' '

When we get outside of the mansion gates Luffy is marvelling at the size of it. 'What 's he come here for? '

'He comes to lie! ' one of the kids tells us cheerfully.

'That horrible! ' Nami cries.

'He 's not a bad guy! He 's awesome! ' they quickly reassure us.

'How is a liar awesome? ' Zoro asks with a scoff. For some reason that felt targeted '

'The girl who lives here, Kaya, has had terrible depression that keeps her sick and in bed since her parents got sick and died a few years ago. ' Leave it to kids to be blunt and straight to the point.

'Yeah depression is a bitch like that, ' I add. Nami and Zoro shoot me concerned looks, which I ignore.

'She 's super rich, but she 's still so sad ' '

'So our Captain tells her special made-up stories to make her laugh! He 's the best at telling lies! '

'What a nice guy! ' Luffy exclaims.

'So his stories make her feel better? ' Nami asks.

'Great! I think we should ask her for a ship after all! ' Luffy yells, pumping a fist in the air.

'Getting in is impossible because of the guards at the gate. ' The kids tell us.

Then I notice that Luffy has disappeared from my side. 'I 'll go ask her! ' his voice says from atop the gates.

He starts stretching to slingshot himself and we all pile on him yelling, 'no no no! '

We go soaring through the sky and crash into the ground screaming right outside Kaya 's window.

'Fucken Christ, Luffy, a warning next time! ' I grouse, rubbing my side. My side which I realize with a start barely hurts at all anymore. I file that away to analyze later.

'Sorry, Ed! ' he laughs, scrambling to his feet to help me up.

'A ' are you alright? ' a girls voice calls from above us. Kaya is hanging out her window and staring at us in clear concern, while Usopp up in his tree flounders around.

'It 's ok! Don 't mind them, it happens all the time. They 're new recruits trying to join the Usopp Pirates! '

Luffy dusts off his hat and shakes his head. 'Nah, I 'm here to ask a favour! '

Kaya blinks in surprise. 'A favour from me? '

'Yeah! I was wondering if there was any way you could help us get a boat ' '

'You, there! ' Luffy is cut off. Rounding the corner with a glare is the asshole of the hour, the bastard butler, the caustic cat man, the ' that 's all I got.

'What are you doing here? ' he questions, striding up to us.

'Klahadore ' ' Kaya mutters.

'Get out. You 're trespassing, ' he spits out, doing his weird glasses adjusting thing.

We just kinda stare at each other for a second before Luffy tilts his head. 'Who 's this guy? '

'Actually Klahadore, these people are ' '

'Not now Kaya, ' the dickbag interrupts, 'you can tell me all about these ' people, after they leave. ' He keeps stalking towards us. 'Now out, all of you. Unless you have some business with me. '

'Ok! Can you help us get a ship? ' Luffy asks optimistically.

Klahadore sticks his nose up. 'Certainly not! '

He deflates and Zoro pats his back.

Klahadore 's eyes lock onto where Usopp is attempting to hide. 'Usopp! I 've heard all about you ' you 're very well known in the village. '

Usopp freezes before nervously turning his head back. 'Yeah? '

The butler smirks. 'I hear you 've been on many an adventure, quite impressive for someone as young as you. '

Usopp flashes him a shaky smile. 'You can call me Captain Usopp! '

Klahadore scoffs. 'Captain, huh? Your father had something of a reputation as well. '

Usopp jerks forward. 'What? '

Kaya leans further out the window, eyes wide. 'Klahadore, please stop! '

'You 'll never be more than the son of a filthy pirate! Who knows what trouble you 're up to now, so I ask that you leave the lady of the house out of your business! ' God this guy is such an asshole!

'Filthy pirate ' ' Usopp mutters.

Klahadore stares down his nose at Usopp condescendingly. 'You and her are from completely different worlds and you know it! Is it money you 're after? How much do you want? '

Kaya 's face hardens for the first time since we 've seen her. 'That 's enough Klahadore! Apologize to Usopp! '

'Hey! Be careful Kaya! ' Usopp says with concern colouring his tone.

Klahadore 's expression doesn 't budge an inch. 'What reason do I have to apologize to this savage man, my lady? ' This guy ticks me off so fucking bad ' 'I 'm merely stating the truth. I sympathize with you, really. You must hate your great idiot of a father for abandoning his family and village because of his mindless lust for treasure! '

'Klahadore stop! ' Kaya shouts.

Usopp jumps down from the tree, using a grappling hook that comes out of his waist bag (which somehow works?) to slow his descent. He lands on the ground furious. I can see him gearing up to yell and fight so I step right into Klahadore's view.

'That 's enough. You heard the lady, shut your fucking mouth, ' I spit.

'And who might you be? ' he asks, clear disdain written all over his face.

'E. D. Domino, detective

and

filthy pirate. You say another word out of line, I swear to god you 'll have more to worry about then that girl's reprimand, ' I growl, pushing Usopp back just a bit.

His face twists in what I think is amusement. 'Is that a threat? '

I can hear Nami behind me whispering, 'what the hell are they doing?! '

I square my stance and lift my chin. 'No sir. When I 'm threatening you, you 'll know. ' I tap my chin in exaggerated thought. 'Say, I might just be losing what 's left of my marbles, but you look a bit familiar ' '

Am I poking the hornet's nest? Absolutely. Am I going to stop? Hell fucking no. This guy is a huge asshole and I feel nothing but satisfaction.

His face twists up in a snarl. 'I think it 's best you leave now. '

I glare down my nose at him. 'I have to agree. We 'll see ourselves out. Oh, and in the future you should take care to listen to your employer. Cutting off a young lady is reprehensible behaviour. '

I spin on my heel, grabbing tight onto Usopp 's arm, and start my march to the front gates. I hear the rest of my companions fall in behind me while I walk. Luffy saddles up right next to me. 'That was pretty cool. I wanted to hit him. '

I laugh quietly. 'Maybe hold that thought until we leave the premises. I might still turn around to clock that son of a bitch. '

Luffy giggles and Nami lets out this choked noise behind me. 'Please don 't go around punching butlers ' '

'Nah, I think we should go back and stab the guy, ' Zoro suggests from where he 's behind me. Once we get outside the gates and past the guards, whom I politely stick my tongue out at, Usopp rips his arm out of my hand.

'I should say thank you for standing up for me, but ' I 'm proud my father was a pirate, and a Brave Warrior of the Sea! And ' and that 's not something I have to be ashamed of! ' he yells, then turns and runs full tilt down the road away from us.

'I 'm gonna chase that guy! ' Luffy calls with a grin, bounding after Usopp and waving.

'Wait, Luffy! ' Nami yells in vain.

'Yeah, he 's gone, ' Zoro mutters. We walk for a while more, before eventually settling down against a fence.

'Real talk guys, I 'm 90% sure that fucker is a dead pirate Captain. ' My statement is met with noises of shock and disbelief.

'How the hell do you figure

that? '

Nami ogles.

'Right, so there was this pretty well known pirate Captain a few years back. His ass got gotten by the Marines, ironically I think it was Captain Morgan who took him in ' Anyways he got executed, ' I explain.

Nami raises an eyebrow, 'So why do you think this random butler is some dead pirate Captain? '

I roll my eyes. 'Because I 've seen his bounty poster. You probably have too, like three-ish years ago? ' I look to Zoro.

He scratches his head. 'Maybe? What 's this guy's name? '

'Captain Kuro. He was famous for these weird knife gloves he called cat claws. Real weirdo, ' I offer.

He smacks a fist into his hand. 'Oh yeah, I remember that guy. Are you sure? How the hell would he have faked his own execution? And why would he come

here? '

I twirl a strand of my hair. 'Actually I have a theory about that, his First Mate was some kind of hypnotist. He could have just had him oogly boogly the Marines into thinking any random chump was him. '

Zoe shakes his head. Nami pipes up, 'there 's still no motive. Why would he come here of all places? '

I shrug. 'Probably for Kaya 's fortune, or chose a really weird retirement plan. ' I turn to the kids. 'Any input? When did this fucker get here? '

One kid, Carrot I think his name was? tilts his head. 'About three years ago ' he showed up on Miss Kaya 's doorstep saying he had been left for dead by the ship he was on. Her parents took him in as a butler. '

I snap my fingers and smirk. 'So he fakes his death, jumps ship, washes ashore on the first place he comes across, finds the first rich people who will take pity on him and slithers into their good graces. Her parents died not too long after he got here, right? ' The absolute horror on the kids' faces is kind of making me feel bad for pointing this out. 'I 'm just saying ' '

Nami waves her hands, a grimace on her face. 'Stop, stop! Your weird theory is done now. '

Zoro scoffs. 'I 'll believe it when I see proof. '

I smirk at him. 'Would you like to make a bet on it? Say ' 2,000 berri? '

He squints at me for a moment. 'Fine. Deal. ' He reaches out for a fist bump which I return with glee. This is

fun.

Can't call it a gambling addiction if I 'm doing it with guaranteed success.

Nami gives me a nod of respect that I return gracefully. Scamming men is something bad bitches have in common. I can feel the start of a beautiful friendship on the horizon '

'So, is this something we should tell Luffy and your ' uh ' Captain Usopp? Where are they anyways? ' Nami asks, head on a swivel as if they could be anywhere within half a mile without us knowing.

'He probably went to his secret spot, by the shore, ' the kids tell us, 'he always goes there when he wants to think. Should we go look for him? '

'Huh? Nah, don 't bother, ' Zoro lazily responds.

Nami rolls her eyes. 'Luffy will be fine, and we don 't need to bother your Captain with this yet. But where 's your other friend? '

'Oh, Onion? He just up and disappears all the time, then shows up all freaked out. '

It 's on that cue that the third kid comes screaming and crying up the road. Wait, no, that 's just sweat. A lot of it. He skids to a stop in front of us, huffing and puffing. 'Some nut job is coming here and he only walks backwards! '

The kids glare at him and in unison shout, 'liar! '

He shakes his head. 'No, really! Look! '

We all look down the road where an ominous figure approaches. And by that I mean a guy in a fedora, heart sunglasses, false beard, and leg warmers comes moonwalking right for us.

What kind of drugs was Oda on when making this monstrosity up?

'Fucken weirdo, ' both me and Zoro mutter at the same time.

'Which one of you called me weird? I 'm just a normal guy! ' the weirdo announces, coming to a jazzy stop in front of us. What LSD fueled PTSD fit did this fucker walk out of?

Nami cringes back from him. 'You look insane. '

He strikes a pose in response. 'No! I 'm a normal run of the mill hypnotist! ' I throw a look at Zoro, who averts his eyes. Poor baby doesn 't know when to quit.

'Show us something! ' the kids yell.

'What?! No! You think I 'd just show my secret techniques to a bunch of strangers? ' he shouts, shuffling through dramatic poses. Then pulls out his chakram and starts swinging it in front of the kids. 'Alright. Watch this ring closely. '

'What a ham, ' Zoro scoffs.

'On the count of three you 'll feel sleepy. One, two, Jango! ' He does successfully make the kids fall asleep, at the cost of he himself passing out on the ground too. God this guy is weird.

'Who is this freaky weirdo?! ' Zoro squawks. I just kinda ' kick him. In the leg, gently.

He startles awake with a snort. 'Wha? Yes! Normal run of the mill hypnotist! '

' 'Dude. '

'Do you have somewhere you need to be? ' Nami asks impatiently.

Jango 's eyebrows fly into his hairline. 'Shit! I need to go! ' He then proceeds to do what I can only call a speed walking version of the moonwalk, which was not something I thought I 'd see in my lifetime, down the road away from us.

I turn to Zoro with a shit eating grin. ' 'and that was his First Mate. '

His face pinches and he looks away from me again, sweat dripping down his face. ' 'still not buying it. '

I roll my eyes. 'If his First Mate is in town and these kids don 't recognize him, he 's probably moving forward with whatever his plan is. If it 's some kind of attack, they 're most likely to land on the north shore, where we did. '

'Either way, what do you want to do about it? ' Nami asks, shaking the kids awake.

I hum. 'I think I 'm gonna go try and talk to Miss Kaya. Convince her that something is wrong. ' I hop off my perch on the fence.

'And if she doesn 't believe you or, god forbid, you 're wrong? ' Zoro questions.

I look over my shoulder at him. 'Easy. I make her believe me. '