'How old are you? '

'18. '

'What 's your favourite colour? '

'Yellow. '

'Favourite fruit? '

' 'Peaches? '

This has been going on for way too long.

I have been in this absolute shitshow of a universe for maybe ' 10 hours? 8 hours of which was spent unconscious. He 's been non-stop asking me icebreaker questions like the beginning of some partner project. I 've just been throwing out answers while trying to remember what the hell is supposed to set us off onto adventure.

Can't remember if it 's a small hurricane or a whirlpool ' Isn 't he supposed to get his shit rocked immediately after leaving Dawn Island?

'What 's with your weird haircut? And why is only part of it green? '

'It 's called a mullet. And it 's not weird! You sound like my mother. You know she had the same damn haircut when she was my age? And it 's only part green because I dyed it a few months ago and haven 't had the time to touch it up. '

'What 's that thing you 're screwing with? '

'It 's called a phone, it 's like a Transponder Snail but better. Only mine doesn 't work anymore. '

And probably never would again. After my unwanted swim in the ocean my precious baby is nothing more than a brick of glass and metal. Rest well sweet prince.

I tuck the poor sucker into one of my pants glorious pockets and continue to take stock of what I have. Besides my wallet, full of money that would probably be virtually useless in this world, I just have a stick of gum I forgot I had and my keyring, complete with the shitty pen knife I 'm currently fiddling with.

I look up at Luffy while he pokes at my keys. 'Anyways, you got a family? '

He makes a thinking face before brightening up. 'Yup! I have Gramps and I guess Makino and Dadan, and my big brother Ace! '

My face slides into a smile. 'Big brother huh? He a Monkey D. too, or is he a more pick-your-own brand of family? '

I already knew the answer to most of the things I had asked him, but making sure I had a reason to know some of the shit I knew wouldn 't hurt.

Luffy 's entire face brightens up further. 'We 're not blood brothers, we swore it on some sake! So he 's my brother in all the ways that matter. He 's no Monkey D. though, his name 's Portgas D. Ace! '

I feign a look of surprise. 'Portgas D. Ace? Like Fire Fist Ace, Second Division Commander of the Whitebeard Pirates? '

Luffy looks a little confused for a second but just grins wildly. 'Yeah that 's him! What 's a Whitebeard? '

God this kid is so cute and so stupid.

I idly pick at my nails. 'Whitebeard is an Emperor from the New World. That 's the second half of the Grand Line. '

Luffy flops back into the dinghy. 'Waaa, it 's got two halves? How many Emperors are there? Is he super strong? '

This dumb boy is incapable of asking things one at a time, isn 't he?

'Yup, two halves. There 's four Emperors, and yeah they 're all hella strong. You 're gonna have to train for a long time if you wanna fight 'em. ' Please god if I 've just accidentally set this idiot on the warpath to the Emperors early I 'm going to boil myself alive '

'Ok! I 'll just wait to fight them later then! ' he smiles.

I genuinely can 't tell if that was a bullet dodged.

I give him a look full of trepidation. 'Any other famous family I gotta worry about? '

He scratches his chin, looking off the side of the boat. 'I

thiiiink

my gramps is a big deal in the Marines? '

I stare him down. 'How big a deal exactly? '

He just shrugs while I massage my temples. 'Please tell me when you say gramps you aren 't referring to Monkey D.

Garp.

As in Garp the Fist, Hero of the Marines. '

He just flashes me a smile. 'Yup that 's him! '

I just mumble under my breath, 'No fucking wonder you 're crazy, with genes like that. ' And that 's only the half of it!

He juts out his lip at me. 'So do

you

have a family then? '

I make a face. 'Yeah, I 've got my mom who I mentioned earlier. My dad and her are divorced so I, uh don 't see him as much. I also have an older sister but um ' we don 't talk much. '

Please don 't pry into that one right now, use that emotional intelligence you obviously have '

'Cool! What 's your favourite type of meat? '

Back to square one.

I massage my temple. 'Crab. Hey Luffy, I don 't suppose you 've seen any crazy weather yet, have you? Like big twisters, a freak hurricane, or like a whirlpool? '

'Like the one over there? ' he asks, pointing past my head.

Yeah. Uh ' there 's a whirlpool behind me. So that 's good to know.

'Huh. Yeah like that. ' I turn back around to my silly companion and

lunge.

'LUFFY WHY DIDN 'T YOU

TELL ME? '

I scream, trying to squeeze the life out of his scrawny rubber neck.

'Thought you knew! ' he chokes out, seeming completely unbothered by the violence.

Ok, how the fuck am I gonna get outta this one? You can 't cram that many monkeys in a barrel, and only one of us has the genes for it anyways. Regardless there 's only one barrel in the boat, so do I just ' swim and hope for the best?

'Ok, get in! '

'What? ' I turn to look at the fool and see that he 's dumped all of the barrels contents across the floor of the shitty dinghy and is gesturing for me to enter the thing.

I give him a flat and desperate look. 'Luffy, hon, we 're not both gonna fit in that. '

He just shakes his head at me like I said something stupid again. 'Yeah we are! I 'm rubber so I 'll just like ' bend or something! '

I hate that that makes sense

.

'Fuck it, this or die. ' So I cram myself into the barrel. Top ten things I never thought I 'd be doing this week.

So I 'm curled up in a barrel. I will be the first to admit that I am a lanky motherfucker that 's mostly legs, so this isn 't exactly what I 'd call comfortable. And I 'm not even claustrophobic! I like

tight spaces! Luffy doesn 't seem to give a single shit about any of that though.

He shoves himself into the barrel right along with me, slamming down the lid behind him. Heedless of the elbows and knees shoved into my gut and armpit I try to catch Luffy 's eye in the darkness of our shared space.

'Hey Luffy? ' He makes a questioning noise. 'If we 're stuck in here for a long time, please don 't eat my corpse. I think you can get salmonella from eating raw meat, and I don 't wanna be your first foray into cannibalism. '

His dumb laugh sounds like a gun discharging in the tiny space. 'You 're so dumb! I 'm not gonna eat you, stupid. As your Captain I promise! '

'Yeah of course, the Captain of the barrel we 're stuck in. How could I forget, ' I respond drily.

'You forgot?! Did you swallow too much water when you were drowning or something? '

'Luffy. '

'Yeah? '

'Shut up. '

'But ' '

Then the rocking starts. And by rocking I mean the violent thrashing that sends our tiny vessel spinning through what I can only assume is the epicentre of the goddamn whirlpool we are stuck in.

I 'd like to say I took it like a champ, maybe laughed in the face of the danger before us. I 'd be lying. There was a fair bit of screaming coming from that tiny barrel, and none of it came from the future King of the Pirates.

' ' ' '

I couldn 't tell you how long it took for the freak weather to stop. I also couldn 't tell you how long we drifted around in that stupid goddamn barrel. Mostly on the grounds that I was A) incredibly nauseous, and B) basically blind with nothing to ground me but Luffy 's dumb rubber arms and legs wrapped around my torso.

I can tell you I finally noticed when we were no longer rolling around in the waves when Luffy suddenly, without warning, flung the top off our 'ship ' yelling about food or naps or something.

I lunge immediately out of the barrel taking in gulps of fresh air. 'FREEDOM! ' I holler into the ceiling. I spend a good solid minute reacquainting myself with the concept of light.

After that I take in the scene around me, mostly the pink haired boy staring at Luffy with something akin to horror or awe, maybe a healthy mix of both.

'Good lord, how long were we in there? '

'Too long! I 'm hungry! '

Then some random assholes start yelling at us and Luffy starts yelling back, there 's brief fighting but I don 't even bother listening. I just keep my eyes on Coby as he starts freaking out.

Then Luffy 's crazy ass grabs me by the back of my shirt and starts tumbling through the halls of the ship, with Coby chasing after us. 'Where the hell are we going? ' I mutter, trying to get my feet under me and failing.

'Food! ' Luffy responds with a grin. He, using what I can only assume is his food-only GPS, guides us to a tiny storeroom where he immediately starts pigging out.

'How the fuck did you ' Actually nevermind. '

I quickly snatch up an apple or two before he can demolish them all. Coby is still panicking up by the door. 'Um ' Sorry, it was Luffy? And I didn 't catch your friend's name ' '

'E. D. Domino. Just call me Ed, ' I say through mouthfuls of apple. Why the hell was I sticking with this dumbass name you may ask? Simple. I 'm quite stupid and I like to stick to my guns.

Luffy laughs, trying to fit as much fruit in his mouth at once as he can. 'Yeah! I 'm the Captain and this is my First Mate! '

Hold the fucken phone

WHAT

.

'WHAT?! ' I whip my head around to stare at Luffy, who seems completely oblivious to the insane shit that just came out of his mouth.

'What? ' he asks around a mouthful of apple.

I frantically wave my hands. 'Nope. No. Pick someone else! The First Mate is supposed to be almost as strong as the Captain, and I 'm weak shit. You gotta choose like ' a swordsman or something, c 'mon! '

He immediately shakes his head and gives me the 'you 're dumb ' look again. I 'm seriously starting to get sick of it. 'I don 't want a swordsman as my First Mate. I choose you, dummy. I 'm the Captain and I get to decide! '

It hasn 't even been 24 hours, how have I fucked this up so much already? Dear god, how do I fix this '

I think Luffy and Coby continue to chat in the background but I 'm more focused on the maelstrom swirling through my head. I have to make Luffy realize he 's being more stupid than usual.

Zoro is supposed to be First Mate of the Strawhat Pirates! Zoro, who they 're going to meet next. Zoro, the cool strong awesome swordsman who is

much

better at his job than some scrawny idiot who 's only combat experience comes from accidentally socking their friends in the face by gesticulating too vigorously when talking!

I zone back in when I hear Coby start yelling about his dream. 'You really wanna be a Marine? ' I ask, taking another apple.

'Yeah! ' he shouts back immediately, before clocking that it was me who asked this time and gets an embarrassed look on his face. 'Uh ' I mean, yeah. You probably think that 's pretty stupid though, huh? '

I shake my head and take a bite of my fruit. 'Nah. S 'not stupid. But it will be hard to be the kind of Marine you 're talking about. It 's a system that is, at its core, corrupt and rotten. But if you think you can do it, fucken go for it. '

Coby 's face makes a fun transition through white to green to red before he seems to settle in a determined expression. 'I 'll be a great Marine! I 'll help people and take down bad guys! One day I 'll even capture Alvida ' '

Then the damn wall collapses. I 'm probably gonna have to get good at pulling off dramatic entrances like this, huh?

'What was that you brat? You 'll capture

me? '

a gravelly voice calls. Good lord that woman is ' Oh there 's no nice way of putting this. Rotund. She looks over Luffy and I and muses, 'guess you 're not the Pirate Hunter Zoro, then. Coby! Who is the most beautiful woman on the seas? '

Talk about a confidence problem, needing little weirdos like Coby to give her self worth. 'Who 's the fat lady? ' Luffy blurts. Fuck, I forgot he has no tact!

As Alvida starts losing her shit, Luffy grabs onto both me and Coby and vaults the three of us out of the hole in the cabin onto the deck.

I 'm getting surprisingly used to being hauled around like a suitcase. It 's actually kinda fun.

Luffy starts beating the actual shit out of the pirates on deck while me and Coby just kinda ' cower off to the side. People are going flying and a stray sword almost impales me and Pinkie Pie 's malformed offspring.

'Watch where you 're throwing those things! ' I yell, immediately shrinking back under the pirates' intense stares.

Isn 't Nami supposed to be on this ship somewhere, stealing something?

Honestly, it 's one thing to read or watch Luffy 's batshit powers when it 's fiction. But watching this boy bend and stretch in unnatural ways is ' pretty disconcerting. 'What ' are you? ' I hear Coby mumble beside me.

'I 'm a rubber man! ' Luffy hollers, cracking his fist into some poor schmuck who got just a little too close.

'A Devil Fruit then? '

Christ on a cracker, for a large woman Alvida sure is sneaky. With a pair of pathetic squeaks me and Coby both scramble across the deck to hide behind Luffy. Hey, he 's my Captain. I'm allowed to do this shit!

He straightens up in front of us and puts his hands on his hips. 'Yup! '

She narrows her eyes. 'Hm. How interesting. You a bounty hunter then? '

Luffy just laughs. 'I 'm a pirate! '

Alvida finds that funny, going by her amused smirk. 'All by yourself? '

Luffy turns just enough to reveal me still hiding behind him. 'Shishishi, nope! Me and my First Mate! We 'll get the rest later. Like ' ten more guys. Yeah. '

Don 't drag me into this you lunatic!

Coby seems to agree, since he starts begging Luffy to leave before pausing. 'No ' you 're the ugliest thing on the sea! '

Oh boy maybe she

does

need people calling her pretty all the time, if that 's how people talk to her.

For the record, I don 't support body shaming or fatphobia in any way. Which is why what I 'm about to say is entirely in reference to her personality. 'YEAH, FUCK OFF YOU UGLY BITCH! '

Well if our goal was to piss her off it sure fucken worked. She takes a wild swing at us with her iron mace which Luffy takes TO THE HEAD. 'Nice try, but I 'm rubber! '

Luffy rears his arm back far beyond what should be natural for any kind of anything, rubber or not, and sucker punches Alvida so hard she rockets off the side of the ship

'Hot damn, ' I whistle.

Luffy reels his arm back in and gives us a grin before turning to the pirates. 'Hey! Get Coby a ship ready! He 's gotta go become a Marine! '

The lingering pirates immediately start scrambling to do just that. Then, as if invoking their name drew them right to us, the Marines themselves appear. And as always, they show up to ruin the fucking day.

Cannon fire splashes into the surrounding water and I turn to Coby. 'If we just chuck you onto the ship maybe they 'll make you a cabin boy, ' I suggest.

His eyes bug out of his head. 'Are you crazy?! They 'll just capture me like I 'm a pirate if I drop in like that! '

I shrug and make a 'what can you do ' gesture. 'It 's that or we drop you off in a basket on the steps of Marineford ' '

'Here we go! '

'Wait what ' '

Luffy bodily hauls the two of us over the side of the ship onto another goddamn dinghy, and as we splash onto the ocean my eyes catch on a head of orange hair and a pair of bewildered brown eyes.

Oh. There she is.

Before I can even call out to her, though I wouldn 't, we 're shooting off in the shitty boat away from the Marines as fast as it can carry us.

' ' ' '

'That getaway should

not

have worked. '

But it did.

'Shishishi, that was awesome! '

Of course Luffy thought so.

Coby still looks incredibly shaken. 'So ' you two are going to the Grand Line then? '

Luffy throws his head back and laughs. 'Yup! That's why I need a super strong crew, plus my detective! ' I 'm so glad he needed to specify that I wasn 't part of the 'strong ' requirement. 'You mentioned some Pirate Hunter, what 's he like? '

Coby raises an eyebrow. 'Zoro? Last I heard he was detained in a Marine base ' '

Luffy sighs, disappointed. 'So he 's weak then? '

Coby immediately rushes to his defence and says some crazy shit about him, ranging from being a cold blooded killer to being a monster in disguise. This kid has one hell of an imagination ' 'Why do you ask? ' he finishes.

Luffy just smiles. 'Figured I might as well ask him to join my crew! '

Oh thank god, my saviour is abound! I start clapping. 'Yes! Great idea! Sounds like the kind of guy you should make your First Mate! ' I say enthusiastically.

Luffy gives me another of his 'you 're stupid ' looks again. 'Don 't need him for that, but a Pirate Hunter sounds neat! '

Coby starts to very vocally protest everything about that plan. 'Please reconsider! He 's like a demon! But worse because he 's

real! ' Wow

his voice gets shrill.

I shrug. 'If you want my opinion, I don 't think the guy actually sees himself as a bounty hunter. Seems like the type to just beat up people wherever he goes and somehow always ends up collecting the bounties. '

Coby grips at his hair, face going purple. 'That doesn 't make it much better! He 's a murderer! '

I level a blank look at Coby. 'Dude, we 're pirates. Murder is in the job description. '

Oh wait fuck that 's true, am I gonna have to murder people? I don 't think I 'm ready for that moral head fuckery. Huh, Coby looks seconds away from hyperventilating. I should probably try to diffuse that.

'

Nah.

'To Shell Town then? '

'To Shell Town! '

'

No! '