Jinshi looks around the new house, quite excited.

It 's his wedding day, after all.

Most of their things have been moved and are being unpacked, and he makes his way along to the main bedchamber to see how it 's looking for the wedding night.

There is a lot of noise even from the hallway, and when he opens the door, he finds Empress Dowager Anshi, Empress Gyokuyou, Lady Ah-Duo, and Lady Lihua.

The little princess and the princes are jumping on the new bed, yelling because they are allowed to jump on the bed.

Jinshi has no idea what is going on in this room, but like his father-brother-emperor, he views this gathering of women to be a cursed convergence. It is something inherently dangerous to anyone who is not specifically allied with whatever purpose they have come together to seek.

Anshi turns and asks, 'Well, if it isn 't the future husband. You look a little nervous. '

'Good morning, Mother. Mostly about whatever all of you are doing together. '

He has no idea what Ah-Duo is doing with this crowd, but he assumes it is because she is friends with these mischievous women or because he is closer to her than any of the emperor 's other women.

Anshi says, 'You 've never heard of this tradition? What kind of family were you raised in? '

'I ask myself that often. '

'It 's a tradition for children in the family to jump on the marital bed of a couple that will marry. It 's thought their little feet invite children. '

Gyokuyou claps her hands together excitedly, and calls out, 'Keep jumping if you want a cousin! '

Princess Lingli stops. 'Cousin? '

Her mother says, 'Yes, wouldn 't it be wonderful if your uncle and auntie had a baby of their own? '

With a scowl, the princess points at her brother, the future emperor, and asks, 'A baby? Like this thing? '

To the toddler boys, there is almost no higher authority in all of the earth than Lingli, and while they were happy to play when the adults were talking, when Lingli speaks, they become quiet and sit down very politely lest their rowdiness be seen as disrespect by the Elder Princess.

Gyokuyou says, 'Please stop calling him that. He 's not a thing. '

Lingli turns to her brother. 'Did you hear? Mama says you 're not a thing. That means you 're nothing. Not real. '

Shortly before Jinshi went on his trip, Lingli for reasons unknown to anyone, told her toddler brother that he was actually her imaginary friend and not a real person. No one understands why she did it, but she noticed that servants won 't look him in the eyes because he is the crown prince so she told him that they can 't see him. Because he 's imaginary.

Sometimes she pretends she can 't see or hear him, or orders Lihua 's son to do the same. It 's a running gag that is quite distressing for the crown prince.

The boys are imperial princes, and they will be given every privilege and advantage imaginable, revered by all from cradle to grave. But for now, they are at the mercy of the princess, who decides what sort of day everyone is going to have when she wakes up. And evidently, whether or not they even exist on that particular day. As far as the little princes are concerned, she is a fire-haired goddess who will hug, smite, or spoil them as she sees fit.

Lingli slides off the bed and goes over to Jinshi and grabs his hand. 'You don 't need a baby. You have me. '

'You already have a dad, Lingli. '

'You 're too handsome to be a dad. '

Of course, she favors her uncle as he spoils her and doesn 't ever discipline her or correct her behavior.

The emperor, invited to join this tradition, stands in the hallway immediately after arriving late to hear his precious daughter who he adores more than anything explain that Zuigetsu can 't be a dad because he 's too good looking.

Compared to who?!

This only reminds him that he made Zuigetsu, but cannot take credit for his exemplary work. All of his children are gorgeous creatures, at least on the outside; he would appreciate it if his daughter would stop trying to see how involved a toddler 's existential crisis can actually be.

The crown prince is two and a half years old and using his little mind to ponder how anyone knows if they are real or not. Surely, he will either grow up to be a great and wise philosopher, or he 'll be peculiar.

Jinshi holds his niece by her hands and lifts her up, turning to the emperor. 'Did you hear that? The princess thinks I 'm too handsome to be a dad. '

Yang observes this, his two very attractive babies mocking him like they both didn 't come directly out of his body. The Beautiful Ones are so aware of themselves and so ungrateful for whatever part of their pretty came from him.

They both look like their mothers, but that 's completely beside the point.

Lingli takes in the scene around her. She knows Grandmother, her parents, Lady Lihua, aka Other Brother 's Mama, but seeing the other lady standing next to Uncle?

She tilts her head, unable to accurately piece together how these people actually go together, and asks Ah-Duo, 'Are you Uncle 's sister? '

'No, why? ' Ah-Duo says, nervously patting her on the head.

Jinshi says, 'Grandmother is my mother, and your father is my brother. '

Lingli answers, 'But you look like her, ' she points at Ah-Duo and then Anshi, 'and not her. '

Jinshi says, 'I 've heard that before. Just a coincidence! '

'What 's a coincidence again? '

What the hell

is

a coincidence?

Jinshi wonders, trying to figure out how to explain this to a child. He attempts to formulate an answer, and the other adults all seem to be watching him, like this is some sort of impromptu parenting test and he needs to prove himself.

Jinshi reaches into his sleeve and holds out a piece of candy. 'I 'll give you candy if you stop asking questions, how about that? '

'Do you have some for Brother and Other Brother? ' she says.

(Brother and Other Brother are interchangeable terms and whichever of the young princes has most recently been on her nerves is 'Other Brother. ')

He produces two more pieces of soft candy, which Lingli distributes to the toddlers, who are grateful to their boss for getting them candy.

Her power over them only grows.

The emperor says, 'Names, please. I am not fond of that 'Other Brother ' foolishness. '

Lingli looks up at him and politely answers, 'Of course, Emperor. '

The emperor sighs a bit in despair at the fact that his precocious child has discovered sarcasm. Lingli exclusively calls him 'Emperor ' in order to provoke him because she knows he prefers being called 'Daddy. '

Perhaps the emperor would joke that Lingli is the most powerful woman in all of the land, but he posed a slight impediment to Maomao 's romantic desires and everyone in his family turned against him and the commander of his army threatened to depose him. Not even over a matter of life and death, or political importance 'just to make her happy.

Lingli decides not to torment her father further and puts her arms up to be picked up.

She was a bad little kitten, but now she is prepared to receive snuggles and affection.

The little princes remain quiet after saying a very polite thanks to the uncle-brother and sit together eating their candy without causing any fuss.

The emperor affectionately rubs his stubble on her cheek, and she complains, 'Uncle 's face is never prickly. '

'That 's not something a grown man is happy about, right Zuigetsu? '

Lingli asks, 'Who is Zuigetsu? '

'Me? ' he says pointing to himself.

'Another name? People just call you

anything

, ' the girl says.

Jinshi can 't really say much to that but is more concerned at being sniped by the emperor. He pouts and whines, 'I didn 't even say anything to you and you 're just coming at me like that. I could grow a beard if I wanted to. '

'I doubt that. '

His statement is met with a few quiet laughs from the consortium of imperial hens and an eyeroll from the person he believes is his older brother who makes his life difficult for no reason at all.

Jinshi huffs, 'I bet I can. '

The emperor answers, 'A wager? '

'Fine! '

This is a stupid bet because every single person in the room, possibly including the toddlers, knows that hair does not grow on that Jinshi 's smooth little baby face. They

all

know he is lying. He knows they all know he is lying. And yet, he can 't leave it alone.

A bet is made, and the prince, says, 'I will take my leave. I am getting married today. '

Once he leaves, Empress Gyokuyou lets out a little giggle. And then she breaks down into nearly hysterical laughter until she 's almost crying. Everyone stares at her, wondering what on earth has amused her so much.

When she manages to catch her breath, she says, 'I just had a thought. In a month, Maomao will have a serum that cures baldness, and he 's going to look like a wolfman! '

Jinshi turns his head at laughter that is so loud it reaches him all the way at the end of the hall.

He throws his nose up in the air. 'Keep laughing. You don 't know about my secret weapon. '

But they do. They absolutely do.

He decides he doesn 't care if they laugh.

He 's going to get married, have his wedding night, go on his honeymoon in the morning, lay around with his

wife 'his wife, his oh-my-goodness-we 're really-marrying

wife

'for two whole weeks. And then he 's going to return to a life without any of the obligations of a high ranking royal and all of the obligations of the prime minister.

Which are almost the same.

Maomao is going to be his wife, and they 're going to have a baby, and he is also going to grow a beard. Definitely.

In his current home, Maomao awakens from a nap, blissfully unaware that in a few hours, she will marry a man who has decided to grow a beard.

It 's a happy day. She 's getting married.

In many ways, it feels like her wedding feels like something is happening to her rather than a thing she decided to do on her own, but that is evidently just because her father threatened the emperor and that was kind of a big deal for everyone.

Having everything neatly settled and organized so she and Jinshi can get on with living together freely will be nice, so she has decided she can handle one evening. In total, the ceremony only takes a few minutes in the evening, and while she 's certain people at the banquet will be up drinking into the wee hours of the morning, certainly the newlyweds would be expected to leave before that.

Then after that, a honeymoon away from all this craziness.

She takes a long bath, has some tea and a snack, and then allows the wedding preparations to begin. Assisting her on this journey are Suiren, who would have glowered at her from the shadows if she didn 't get to be in charge, and Gaoshun 's wife, Lady Taomei.

Lady Taomei, despite being several years her husband 's senior, the mother of three grown children, and grandmother to several little ones, is strangely bashful about private matters despite being quite the courageous professional. She will still blush around her husband even in the company of others, and once they were spotted holding hands and it made her so nervous she shoved him into a pond.

She speaks in a quiet tone as she begins her work on Maomao 's hair. 'Are you nervous about your wedding night? The first time can be painful. '

Maomao answers, 'Oh, we 've already done that. '

She gasps. 'Before your wedding?! '

'Yes. '

'Did he pressure you? '

'It was my idea. '

There is Suiren, who has openly been encouraging them to fuck for at least two years, and poor Taomei, who assumes that wild dog of a man must have seduced her into surrendering her virtue. These women are grown mothers, and at least one of them is a grandmother but probably both.

Suiren says, 'Of course the young master has always behaved like a perfect gentleman to the lady. '

'Of course. I would never speak against the Moon Prince. '

Taomei thinking Maomao was a sweet innocent that has been seduced and Suiren thinking her master-grandson is an angel who has never misbehaved one time in his life provide company in the presence of people who know they are probably wrong but don 't care.

They do her hair, and they paint her nails. Her makeup is perfect, and then it 's time for the prettiest dress ever, fine red silk with golden embroidery of a phoenix on it.

It 's tailored to her, and makes her look so 'she doesn 't know how to describe it, but she thinks she looks a lot cuter than normal.

There 's going to be a new Maomao running around in Jinshi 's head for sure.

After having her hair bejeweled by the older women, she stands in front of the mirror and examines herself.

She 's excited to see what sort of dumb look he makes when he sees her dressed up as his bride. She thinks he will definitely have some sort of visible reaction or malfunction, and she 's dying to see it.

After they 're finished, Maomao takes out two gifts, one for each of her helpers.

Lady Taomei 's gift is a little box with ten jet black candies each individually wrapped in paper.

'Candy? '

'It 's medicinal candy. For your husband to have right before you go to bed. '

'For his health? '

' 'It 'll put him in the mood. '

Taomei blushes and closes the box, sputtering out her thanks, because any gift requires gratitude.

She gives Suiren a little box with an enameled flower for her hair, but when Taomei leaves the room to watch for the carriage, Suiren whispers. 'Maomao. '

'Yes? '

'Would it be possible for me to get one of those candies? '

'It 's for men. '

'Yes. '

Maomao makes it a point not to be nosy, but she 's never felt so compelled to be in someone else 's business in her life. Suiren?! A male friend? A girl needs more details! But she reminds herself that she was mad about other people being in her business.

Maomao fills her hands with the individually wrapped candies. 'Let me know if you need more. I can make all kinds of things if your 'friend ' has age-related difficulties. '

Suiren lets out a little laugh that maybe sounds a bit evil. 'He 's not old or my friend, Xiaomao. '

Considering Suiren 's personality, it 's maybe not a shock that she has a little something going on, but hearing she hungers for the flesh of a younger man and

still

wants to crank him up beyond full power is just so ambitious.

Such a queen, really.

Maomao has been quite nervous about giving one of these candies to Jinshi because he 's already such athlete in bed. She has no idea what he would do to her if his sexual powers were temporarily boosted. Anyone who has ever met Pairin knows there is such a thing as being taken to bed so well that a woman can 't ever probably have any other hobbies besides that for the rest of her life.

She has a career, after all. She 's already putting it somewhat at risk by having baby on the brain.

Anyway, she decides if Suiren has the guts to face a young man pumped up on the black honey, she should as well.

She tucks one of the candies away in her belt to use on their wedding night.

A carriage drawn by white horses arrives for her, with an irresistibly handsome prince come to claim his bride, and trade in his title as a prince.

There are traditions where the bride 's family and especially her father might make pose some playful challenges to him reaching her, but Maomao forbade this ritual because she was worried Lakan would take it too far and set up saw traps or other deadly/dangerous booby traps all over the place.

For Jinshi, this day is the realization of many long-held dreams, and when he sees her standing in the doorway, he is a bit beside himself and too excited. He jumps out of the carriage, twists his ankle, and crashes to the ground gracelessly.

She 's standing in the doorway when he falls flat on his face in his fancy wedding outfit.

Maomao rushes over to him, and he exclaims, 'It 's bad luck for your feet to touch the ground outside before the wedding. Why are you that beautiful? That 's not fair! I didn 't get a warning! '

She answers, 'It 's bad luck for us to do many things we did before the wedding. I don 't think my feet touching the ground is the thing that 's going to curse us. Are you okay? '

'I 'm fine! '

He stands up and his ankle says

we are not fine

, but he did not dream about this wedding to his sweet little Maomao to let his foot ruin his evening.

He 's just a prince at least for the next few minutes, showing up with a carriage drawn by white horses, to pick up his bride. Surely this must be a moment straight out of a girl 's fairytale dreams. Except the part where he wipes out on the ground right in front of her like some idiot.

Yet, he also knows that Maomao 's childhood dreams included things like ox bezoar, furry antlers, and poisonous mushrooms more than a happily ever after with a handsome prince. He 's sort of like a bonus that came with the ox bezoars.

Medicinal gallstones and a handsome husband? Truly, he 's the whole package.

Maomao ponders this moment, her prince coming for her and then falling out of the carriage. It 's just a really perfect moment, so them. Sometimes, they 're quite serious, but in their best moments, it 's always little laughs and mishaps.

He picks her up, and carries her, limping slightly, towards the carriage. Oh,does his ankle hurt! But he can take it.

'You really seem like you 're in pain. '

'I am not. But also, you are heavier now than you 've ever been. '

Maomao kicks her feet happily as he carries her, limping, and says, 'If I was any other woman, I would take that as an insult. But I 've been eating good so I can have your baby. Chubby babies are the cutest, so maybe you can give me a fat baby with that fat frog. '

'You better calm down or we 're going to show up late to our wedding with messy hair. '

She says, 'I spent too much time getting ready to have you ruin it. '

'But you 're too cute. What am I supposed to do about that? '

'Fall out of a carriage? '

'It 's your fault. My mind forgot how to operate my legs. '

'I 'm not even the pretty one in this relationship. '

'Agree to disagree. '

'That 's a dumb thing to agree about, I want to be right. '

He lifts her up into the carriage and says, 'Already talking like a wife. Look at us, bickering like a married couple. I 'm so happy. Are you happy? '

'I suppose living happily ever after with someone who makes my life wonderful in every way imaginable is better than dying alone. Probably. '

Once they get into the carriage, she asks, 'Let me see that ankle. '

'No, it 's not hurt. '

'I can tell it is. '

'I 'm fine. I 'm so excited, I can barely feel it. '

Maomao is perhaps looking forward to being married than getting married, but Jinshi is just so energized about all of it that he can barely contain himself.

The carriage ride to the shrine is short, and upon arrival, he seems to very carefully get out on the ankle he didn 't twist before reaching up to help her out onto the red rug placed so her feet don 't touch the ground.

'Your ankle doesn 't seem fine, ' she whispers.

'I will cut my foot off before I let it ruin this for me, ' he whispers back.

'Self-amputation rarely improves an uncomfortable social situation. There would be a lot of blood. People would be dismayed and confused. That 's ignoring the fact that it 's actually very hard to cut a part of the body off. Feet and ankles are well-attached to the rest of the body. '

The Royal Guard is neatly lined up on each side of the rug, in full ceremonial armor to pay their respects to the Moon Prince in his last minutes as the Moon Prince. To the members of the guard, it looks like they 're whispering sweet things to each other, but they are actually quietly discussing how difficult it would be for Jinshi to saw his own foot off above the ankle.

While the prince does his best to avoid the appearance of limping, his act isn 't entirely convincing because Gaoshun and Basen have both clearly noticed his injury as they stand close to the doors.

He gives them a brief nod to indicate he 's okay, and they open the giant doors for the soon-to-be-married couple.

As they continue on into the shrine, Jinshi considers that not everyone can say they have fallen out of a carriage because they loved someone so much, but it occurs to him that he 's not even the first man to jump from a carriage for Maomao and get hurt.

Up ahead, there is a table on each side of the altar, one with three members of the imperial family: the empress dowager, emperor, and empress; and one with three members of the La clan: Lakan, Luomen, and Lahan.

Maomao finds this odd, but she assumes Lahan is probably there for the sake of symmetry as having one clan more represented than the other would have been viewed as disrespectful. Lahan as an elder of the La clan is something she wants to tease him about at a later date.

Ah-Duo watches from the small select group of witnesses, mostly heads of clans, a bit of a pout that she 's not part of the ceremony, but they did lie to their son for all these years and sometimes lies have consequences, like not being able to be in the wedding tea ceremony.

Still, watching her son escape from the imperial family is quite something. Yang doesn 't let go of his favorite things easily, something he and his son share in common. All it took was many years, a lost wager, a legendary stupid misunderstanding, group outrage, and threats against his rule.

The shrine is decorated in red and white flowers, so many Maomao wonders where they got so many on such short notice, and sweet incense burns as they begin the ceremony.

Maomao looks up at the celestial altar hanging from the ceiling, and feels a bit nervous, as for some completely unknown reason, she 's concerned it might fall and crush her. Not like nothing like that ever happened here.

Life is going too well, and suddenly being crushed to death at her own wedding would really seem more thematically in line with the rest of her life so far.

They bow to the emperor 's table first, three times, and then over to the La clan.

Gaoshun and Basen watch from just inside the door as Ka Zuigetsu bends a knee and bows his head to the so-called elders of the La clan.

Yang wonders if this this is hard for his son, but Zuigetsu would bow his head to a dead squirrel if it meant getting to be married Maomao. He doesn 't care at all, and it passes from his mind as soon as it 's over.

Jinshi and Maomao serve tea, they eat meat from the same animal, they have their hair cut and knotted together. They drink wine and swap cups, so she finishes off his wine and he, hers.

A ceremonial blessing is spoken over them by the heads of each clan.

Maomao has a moment of crippling fear that Lakan will go off script and start ranting about his 'precious petunia, ' but by some miracle, he just recites exactly what he is supposed to and nothing else, and it 's such a relief.

Luomen looks so gently happy for her as he sips his tea and watches his little girl marry, but Lakan and Lahan both have a 'happy face ' that the attendees will later describe as 'unsettling, ' 'beady eyed, ' and 'unpleasant to look at. '

Gyokuyou couldn 't be happier as she watches her sweet Maomao, once merely a servant girl under her care, marry a man who is just absolutely hopelessly in love with her. She would like to take credit for this wedding as she allowed the idiot plot to happen, and the idiot plot is largely responsible for the wedding happening.

Anshi 's quite happy for her grandson, and this event was already overdue as far as she is concerned.

The emperor is happy for his son, but annoyed he can 't call him his son, and the fact that his firstborn is literally leaving the imperial family before his very eyes is a bit sad. Ah-Duo has reminded him often these past days that it 's not like Zuigetsu is dying or going into exile. He can actually see where their son will live from his office, and obviously the emperor and Prime Minister have to work together often.

Basen is happy for his friend but is slightly bummed out that he will no longer be serving Jinshi. His new assignment involves watching over the little crown prince, which is fine, but it 's not working with his childhood friend.

Then there 's Gaoshun, who is really just happy for the couple and thinks this is going to make Zuigetsu such a happy person, and that this change is well deserved.

Maomao knows this is a very important life event she will look back on warmly, but she is also glad that she 'll probably only have to do it once in her life as its too much attention for her tastes. Besides, Jinshi is just the happiest little peach in the world. He looks like he is actively trying to suppress a boyish grin because this is all very serious, and it makes her want to bite his happy little handsome cheeks.

And then they are married.

When they proceed to the banquet, there 's a table in front of theirs for guests to bring gifts, which is mostly just silver, both in part because that was a popular gift and also because the wedding happened with virtually no notice at all.

Gaoshun brings a gift of silver to the table, and Jinshi says, 'Gaoshun, I think you know my

wife

, Maomao, yes? '

He can 't help but smile. 'We have met, yes. And Maomao, you 're quite a beautiful bride. '

Maomao 's cheeks burn a bit. 'Thank you. '

Gaoshun says, 'Take good care of her, Prime Minister. It 's probably important to be on your best behavior if you marry a woman who has such strong interest in poison. '

'It 's fine. My wife would never poison me, ' he answers.

Maomao teases, 'I don 't remember ever saying that,

Husband

. Poison is a very traditional way that women express their dissatisfaction with their husbands, now that I think of it. '

Jinshi nervously says, 'I 'll be on my best behavior, Wife. '

Gaoshun is so happy these two strange creatures have finally married, and finds their first marital banter to be adorable even though she 's lightly teasing him with discomfort and possibly murder.

Back at their table, Gaoshun 's wife has black honey candies on her mind, and she 's blushing as she sits and considers how she might use them.

Suiren is also making plans to use her special gift.

The piece of black honey candy Maomao tucked into her belt for her wedding night has fallen on the floor, and the emperor finds it when he returns to his seat after greeting a guest.

By the time the emperor finds the candy, most of the food has been eaten, and people are dancing and getting drunk.

The newlyweds have not danced, but everyone has by now noticed that Zuigetsu has a rather sad little hobble he 's trying to hide from everyone.

The mysterious candy was right by the emperor 's table, so it stood to reason that it was dropped by someone who was allowed to be near his food, so maybe the empress. Gyokuyou has such a sweet tooth, after all.

The emperor unwraps it and finds a glistening, shiny, very black candy. It 's like nothing he 's ever seen before.

Should he, the leader of the country, eat strange candy he found on the floor?

The fact that he would never be expected to do such a thing is what makes it safe, at least in his opinion. If it was poison, there 's no way the person who dropped it might expect that he would eat it. It 's so pretty and black, and a little round drop of shiny mysterious sweetness. He 's never eaten a hard candy that was black before, and assumes it is probably a flavor he doesn 't know.

Emperor Yang decides that

yes

, he will eat the Floor Candy. It was well-wrapped, is unlikely to be poison, and it looks quite delicious. The blackness of it is oddly tempting to him, as if it is promising to be different than all the other hard candies he has eaten.

It 's sweet, but also slightly sour. It has quite a full flavor, unique, almost floral, and quite delicious. He thinks he could eat ten if left unattended with a pile of them, and he likes how it makes his tongue tingle.

His mother leans over, and seeing the wrapper, asks, 'Do you have candy? '

'No. '

'Because it looks like you 're eating candy. '

Anshi holds her hand out under the table, and he says, 'I only had one piece. It 's black. Really good. I wonder what kind it is. '

'Where did you get it? Does someone else have candy? Zuigetsu had some with him earlier, but not the kind I like. '

'I found it on the floor. '

' 'and you decided to eat it? '

'Whoever dropped it couldn 't have known that I would pick it up and eat it. That is an unexpected outcome, so it 's safe, ' he explains.

Anshi answers, 'The emperor of Li eats candy off the floor. Lovely. I 'm sure his mother is very proud. '

They are a mother and son at a family function, whispering about eating candy while their guests stuff their faces and get drunk to celebrate the union of the newly married couple. A delightfully normal moment, if one is not aware of what the emperor has in his mouth.

It only takes about five minutes for the emperor to start feeling a bit euphoric. And then, a little

too

euphoric. At his age, he rarely has an inopportune erection, and certainly, at a banquet for his son 's wedding while he sits next to his mother is the worst possible time and place. And it 's so sensitive. And SO hard.

What the hell?

He wonders if he could even stand up to escape without being noticed.

Anshi asks, 'What is wrong? '

'Nothing. '

'I can tell something is wrong. '

'Everything is fine. '

Gyokuyou is out socializing with a group of women he thinks might be courtesans because they 're crowded around Maomao teasing her.

The prince is with Basen and Lishu, getting teased by his friend about being a married man now.

It 's all perfectly cute, a perfect wedding banquet except for the fact the Secret Father has a life-changing erection.

Anshi can see him becoming increasingly uncomfortable, fidgeting in his seat, eyes a bit wide, breathing slightly labored. 'Are you sure you 're all right? '

The emperor is not going to tell his mother he has an erection. That 's just never going to happen. He thinks perhaps it will simply subside if he thinks about things that do not turn him on, although he can 't imagine a bigger turnoff than having an erection while sitting beside one 's mother.

It doesn 't work.

'I 'think the empress and I might retire early. '

His mother says, 'You want to leave Zuigetsu 's wedding banquet before Zuigetsu? That will be perceived as disapproval. Are you unwell? '

'I am just fine. Completely fine. '

The emperor starts wondering about that strange candy he ate; maybe it really was poison? Raging, embarrassing erection seems like an odd symptom of poison, but as luck would have it, his son married into a family with two talented physicians, and one of them the emperor might be able to talk to about his unfortunate condition.

He waits for his mother to leave the table, and she does so after deciding to go join the group of women with Maomao to see what sort of fun they were getting into.

Anshi noted her son seems to be having some sort of pouty attitude problem, which she assumes is because he either feels old that his son is getting married or he 's mad about not being able to call him his son.

There 's no reason to drink fine wine and worry about all the normal stresses in life.

But by the time she leaves, Luomen has disappeared to somewhere or another.

He waves for Gaoshun, because he needs Gaoshun to go find that old man. How far could he have gone? He can barely walk.

Gaoshun is not on duty as his attendant and is instead attending as the head of the Ma clan, but he will never not answer when called, so he approaches the emperor 's table and leans down.

'What can I do? '

'I think I may have poisoned myself. I found a piece of candy on the floor, and I ate it, and now I feel 'I don 't feel bad, but I feel better than I want to feel. If you know what I mean. I need you to find out who has black hard candy. It has to be someone who has been close to this table. And Luomen. I need that old man. '

'Black

candy? '

An idea immediately forms in the attendant 's head, and he wants it to be false. Black is a strange color for candy because there aren 't a lot of ingredients that are black. He is very unfortunately aware of a very black, opaque and sweet substance that recently entered the custody of someone who definitely walked past the emperor 's table.

The idea the emperor just ate random candy he found on the floor is concerning, and the emperor feels judged by Gaoshun, even though the attendant doesn 't audibly question his judgement. He provides his reasoning for deciding it was probably safe to do, and Gaoshun simply nods.

These people just never say no to the volcano. It calls for them, and they answer. Every time.

Gaoshun doesn 't want to talk to Maomao about her erection-inducing black honey.

And yet he approaches her as she stands surrounded by an odd mix of royals and courtesans, who are all giving her advice, telling her what a cute bride she is, and judging from their silly little grins, maybe talking a little dirty.

He interrupts them, and says, 'I apologize, but I need to speak to the bride about an urgent matter. Privately. '

Maomao is red in the cheeks and perhaps a little grateful to escape from the group.

Gaoshun pulls her aside.

Really aside

. So far aside that she 's confused about what he could possibly need to ask about that could be this much of a secret.

'Lady Maomao. '

'We both know I don 't answer to that name. '

'Xiaomao. '

'What can I do for you? '

Gaoshun feels embarrassed even asking, so he looks away. 'Did you turn your black honey into small, hard black candies? '

'Yes, did Lady Taomei already show you? '

'Why would she '

Xiaomao

, what did you do? You didn 't give my wife that substance, did you? '

Maomao has no idea why Gaoshun is asking or how he knew she made candy if he didn 't find out from Taomei, and feels like she accidentally ruined her own surprise. 'I misspoke. Let 's just forget about that. '

'Do you know where all of those candies are right now? '

The bride answers, 'I have given some of them away as gifts. '

Maomao 's level of embarrassment about meddling in other people 's intimate business is nearly nonexistent, although that has been well known since her time in the rear palace. There is a kind of shamelessness about the way she moves through the world that 's actually a bit terrifying to him.

'Is it possible that you lost one here at the banquet? '

Losing precious ingredients doesn 't sound like her at all, but she considers the whereabouts of all her precious little candies and pats her belt for the candy that she tucked away for the wedding night.

It is gone.

Maomao says, 'I had one with me. And now I don 't. I may have dropped it at some point. '

Gaoshun holds the blue paper it was wrapped in.

She sighs. 'Who ate it? '

'The emperor. '

'Where did he find it? '

'On the floor. '

'The emperor found strange, mysterious candy on the floor 'and ate it, ' she repeats.

'Yes. To be fair, it was dropped directly behind his table, and almost no one has been permitted to get that close to him. Only people like you, who decided to disguise a deviant ingredient as candy to ensure a misunderstanding would happen. '

Maomao says, 'That was for my wedding night. '

'Presumably, the emperor is not the one you hope has a vigorous evening on your wedding night. '

'You presume correctly. He was not the intended consumer of the candy. But also, what 's the purpose of having at taster taste all of the emperor 's meals if he 's just going to eat candy off the floor? '

Obviously, Gaoshun is not going to argue with the reasoning that the emperor shouldn 't have eaten the Floor Candy. The imperials had these little unguarded moments where they did rather human things, and it usually didn 't cause any issues. He feels like criticizing the emperor for eating the Floor Candy is Maomao 's way of trying to escape responsibility for causing this chaos all by herself.

Maomao says, 'Relax, I know how to fix this. '

The emperor sees how Gaoshun goes directly to Maomao, and how they talk. If he asked her if she knew about the black candy, and she didn 't, that would be a short conversation. Eating Floor Candy didn 't seem like a risk, but if he knew that Maomao was probably the one who dropped it, he wouldn 't have come within a meter of the thing.

Maomao pulls Empress Gyokuyou aside, and whispers in her ear for almost two minutes, and while the empress giggles quite a lot during those two minutes, once Maomao is finished whispering, she says, 'That sounds like quite a problem for the emperor. Would you like more wine? '

And then, she sighs. 'Fine. But you owe me, Maomao. Next time you drug that man and arouse him in front of his mother, it can be Lady Lihua 's turn. '

'Please ask him not to eat strange food off the floor. Deeply concerned about his survival instincts, ' Maomao answers.

'I will pass the message along. '

Gyokuyou makes her way to the emperor and says, 'I 'm afraid I 'm feeling a bit faint and need to retire for the night. '

'Not feeling well? Please, allow me to accompany you. '

She walks ahead of him to conceal his little issue, toward a carriage, and once they 're far enough away, she says, 'I really was having a good time, eating and drinking and celebrating my sweet Maomao getting married. '

'Do you know what 's going on? '

Gyokuyou explains about the black candy, and he 's really just too turned on to be embarrassed that he actually ate such a thing in public.

The emperor helps her up into the carriage and then sits down beside her, letting out a sigh of relief.

Gaoshun is not the carriage driver for the night, but he is driving the carriage, driving the emperor and empress away so that the emperor is not publicly embarrassed by having a noticeable erection at his own brother 's wedding. With any luck no other people will be forced to learn what has happened.

Gyokuyou looks down at his visibly tented lap and asks, 'Should we drop you off at the rear palace? '

'I thought we were ' '

'I was only asked to help you escape from the wedding banquet. '

'I want to go to bed with you. '

Gyokuyou says, 'It 's not a good time for me. '

'It can 't be your blood. If it is, we 'll just put an extra cloth down. '

'You can 't be

that

wound up. It 's my fertile time. I 'm not having a third child because you ate candy off the floor. That 's just not romantic. You were the one that said you needed to spread your seed out a little more. '

Yang is ready to pounce in the carriage, but he thinks Gaoshun would not appreciate it if the carriage started rocking back and forth on the very short trip back to their palace. Did he say something about something about a third child? He can 't remember. His brain doesn 't have any blood in it.

Gyokuyou is his cat: teasing, playful, beautiful, always elegant.

'Empress ' '

She lets out another little laugh. 'Of course I 'll take care of you, dear emperor. I was just teasing. '

When they arrive at the palace, Gaoshun hardly stops the carriage when the emperor darts inside with the empress slung over his shoulder as she squeals for him to put her down. Considering how curvaceous and tall Gyokuyou is, this is a feat of strength that Gaoshun would argue the emperor might not be capable of, but he displayed a certain youthful vigor due to the effects of the black honey.

There 's a little voice in his head that thinks back to the conversation he had with Maomao, and he 's a bit worried that his wife has come into possession of some of these candies.

There 's really only one thing Taomei might want to do with them.

Gaoshun can 't decide if he is curious or frightened, although one thing he is decided about is that he didn 't ask for interference.

At the banquet, the newly married couple, who had independently been wondering how long they had to stay at the banquet, attempts to quietly exit lest it seem like the emperor insulted them by leaving first.

Jinshi doesn 't know what 's going on, but he 's ready to go because his ankle hurts quite a lot at this point.

Lady Anshi is informed that the newlyweds have gone, and the emperor and empress slipped out as well, and she is deeply suspicious about all of it. The emperor called Gaoshun, who went to Maomao, who went to Gyokuyou, and now both couples have inexplicably vanished.

Gaoshun seems visibly anxious when he reappears, which just makes her more curious about what happened.

She summons him, and says, 'Dear Gaoshun, do you know what happened here? '

'I do. '

'Speak. '

He

really

doesn 't want to, but he does, and she listens. She is slightly amused but also incredibly disgusted that her son was sitting there sweating because he was turned on. There are certain things a woman doesn 't need to know or want to know.

Anshi says, 'Poor Zuigetsu, needing 'help ' at his age. I wonder if posing as a eunuch affected him permanently. '

XXX

When Maomao and Jinshi make it to their marital bedchamber, they are tired, one of them is drunk, and when she pushes him down on the bed, it 's not for sex, but so she can inspect his ankle, which has swollen to a size where it no longer looks like an ankle.

The refreshments laid out for their wedding night include white tea chilling in a bed of ice, a luxury that is quickly seized for medical purposes.

'You really should have stopped walking around on this thing as soon as you got hurt, you know. '

'And ruin my own wedding? I think not. We should have danced. '

'When you 're seventy and this ankle is giving you trouble, I 'm going to have a lot of 'I told you so 's. So be prepared. '

'When I 'm seventy and you 're still with me to make fun of me, it 'll be because we got married. Remember that, Maomao. '

Maomao doesn 't think sex is likely to happen since he needs to stay very still, and even if she was on top, he 's a wiggler.

Once his foot is elevated and being iced, she says, 'Weddings are kind of a pain. I guess I got a husband out of it, even if he 's a little defective. I think I ordered one with fully functioning limbs. On the upside, the Old Fart didn 't make a scene and there weren 't any major issues. '

Except that she accidentally poisoned the emperor and made him get an erection in public. She doesn 't think they need to talk about it, and suspects no one else involved is ever going to discuss it either.

'I am glad that you still decided to accept me despite my shortcomings. '

'A true charity case, but I am a kind woman, ' she teases.

Jinshi says, 'We should do it though, right? It 's our wedding night. It 's tradition. '

'If we hadn 't already been doing it like deranged rabbits, I think this would be a letdown, but I think it 's okay if we just go to sleep tonight. '

They are interrupted by a delivery: crutches, cloth wraps, salts to soak, and medicines needed to treat an ankle sprain over the course of the honeymoon, and a handwritten note from Luomen, wishing for Jinshi to get better soon.

This is why he left the dinner, knowing his son in law had been injured and was trying to hide it.

'What a saint ' ' Jinshi says as Maomao gives him a little pain relief tablet to chew. 'I married into a good family. Mostly. '

'We still have to deal with you-know-who. '

'He didn 't cause any issues tonight. '

'He strikes when you least expect it. '

It isn 't the wedding night either of them expected, but Jinshi does enjoy being pampered a little.

When they 're snuggled into bed in silky sleeping clothes, Maomao falls drifts off, listening to her dear husband 's heartbeat, and he stays awake for awhile, watching her sleep.

Such a peaceful ending to such an important day.

Somewhere else that night, Gyokuyou is face down on the bed, and will not be getting any sleep.

And somewhere else, Gaoshun is conceiving a fourth child that he did not ask for and certainly is not expecting.

But Maomao sleeps well, waking once during the night to snuggle up closer and enjoy the serenity and peace of sleeping with her husband.

As she nestles in, he awakens and drags his fingers through her hair.

'I had a question I wanted to ask, ' he tiredly mumbles.

'What is it? ' she gently asks, her voice soft and cute to him.

'Will you help me grow a beard? '

Maomao tries to imagine him with a beard and harshly answers in a surprisingly loud tone, 'Never ask me that question again. Goodnight. '